'PEACE' MEANING COMFORT

Sometimes I buy into the lie that every decision I make has to be enveloped in peace.

The lie that I have to be out of my comfort zone as a Believer, but not TOO far out of my comfort zone. If fear has any place in a decision, I bounce. Because that's what you are supposed to do right? You are always supposed to have peace in decision making, and you never are supposed to have fears? Peace means it's of the Lord, fear means it's not, and that seems to usually be our method of decision making as a Believer. At some point in my faith I was told that, and at some point I believed it and marked it as truth. This is the point I realize it's not.

Peace seems to be misconstrue and interpreted as comfort.
We pick the more comfortable option.  

So we base our decisions on comfort?

 

I'm beginning to question whether that whole thing even makes sense at all. How is that truth? How is that legitimate basis for decisions? What does that even look like? How does that even feel? Being conned into this mediocre life of thinking we are out of our comfort zones but yet never being too far out of it to have doubts, fears, nerves, or questions. Is that even being out of our comfort zones at all?

First of all, I have yet to read Jesus mention 'comfort zones' at all. I get the feeling that peace from comfort is a very different kind of peace then Jesus mentioned He will give to us. We can have total peace knowing we are following God's calling while having plenty of questions and nerves and fears about what we are actually doing. I've seen how God uses us in that weird tension to rely on Him and know Him deeper.

So today and from this point forward I will choose to trust God for comfort instead of relying on "safe" decisions for comfort. I will choose to lean on God instead of fix my mind on fears.

JESUS AND PAJAMAS

There is one moment of everyday that I look forward to. 

The moment I get home from a long day, desperate for comfort and security and familiarity, longing for peace admist a hectic life and for something that will bring me a little extra joy: the moment I put on my pajamas. If there is any reason I can point to that I am grateful for being a women, it's the thing we all share in common: we look forward to the moment we get home and can take off our makeup and our bra, put our hair up, and put on clothes that speak to comfort more then they speak of trends.

However, there is another moment that I yearn for like no other, that I look forward to and am filled by, in ways that I can't even express in words. The moments of complete surrender, complete worship, complete devotion to Jesus.

The two are more related then you may think.


Tonight I spent quality time with Jesus. You know how coffee dates with a wise person you admire end up making you feel so loved, full of joy, hope, peace, and wisdom? That's how quality time with Jesus makes me feel. I felt like Jesus was as close as the person next to me, close enough to touch, close enough that my singing loudly turned to quiet whispers because He was so near and I knew He heard me loud and clear, even at my quietest. I not only felt Jesus near, I know that He was near. This was my pajama moment before the actual 'pajama moment' even happened.

Quality time worshiping Jesus made me feel uninhibited, unrestricted, that I didn't have to contain or belittle who I am, my joy, my fervor, my enthusiasm, I could sing loudly or whisper softly and dance, I could jump or I could kneel, I could cry tears of joy or tears of longing for more and more of Him. I was free. I felt home. I felt comfort. I felt less concerned with me and more concerned with Him.

The week before finals means the most crazy busy schedule possible. It means non-stop, less rest, less sleep, more work, and a longer to-do list for even after the crazy schedule ends. But this moment with Jesus took all that away, no burdens, no worries, just freedom.

Today was the day that everything kept going wrong and I wondered why the heck bad days are so bad and can't be spread out over good days at all. Like really. There was more things that went wrong then I can count on my fingers, there was changed plans, ruined plans, and frustrations that drove me crazy. However it didn't steal my joy, miraculously enough. And at the end of it all was pajamas and Jesus the entire way through.

Comfort. Familiarity. Vulnerability. Freedom. Open arms.

Even in the worst of moments, I am reminded that I always have Jesus.
And I also have a couple good pairs of pajamas to choose from.

I CAN NEVER BE READY

I braced myself for the waiting period.
I braced myself for my fears overriding my end goal, my pursuit, my dream.
I braced myself for the period of time in which I prepare for 'bigger things.'
I braced myself for settling, for the mundane, for the ordinary.

Because for a little bit, all my overanalyzing pointed toward that.
I was thinking about settling for a future of comfort and cubicles because I was fearful that I needed to wait and be equipped. I needed to wait and have everyones approval. I needed to wait until it was comfortable, until I would no longer let anyone down. I needed to wait until the weddings stopped so I never had to tell a friend I couldn't be in theirs. I needed to wait until all the opportunities stopped so I never had to say no. I needed to wait until I got the go ahead.

But what if that day never came.

The past month(ish), I would read the Gospel and instead of focusing on what Jesus did with the years of his life it mentioned, I thought about the thirty years it didn't mention.

I wrote a blog post about it. I even bought a book about it. A book that was literally about the years in Jesus' life that they didn't talk about. I thought as I read this thing I was being shown how maybe I need to wait a while to be used by God in huge, massive ways. I felt unworthy to be used right away, so I thought this was a fair concept. I didn't even stop to think about how much that makes absolutely zero sense. None. None at all.

I was decieved to think that the point was not mentioned in the book. Although, funny thing is, I've never read a novel where the climax wasn't mentioned, the plot was left out, and the important event was never in there.

The point of the Gospel is what's in there. If Jesus cared about me knowing about those thirty years of His life He woulda told me about them. But He didn't.

The point of the Gospel is Jesus. What He did and How He did it. How He loved people, why He loved people, what happened when He loved people. The point is to do the same. Maybe not in the same manner, but with the same end goal.

I had the same end goal, and I pushed it away because I felt I wasn't good enough to be used. I had to be ready. I had to be good enough. Familiar story right? If only Moses, Paul, Peter, and every single person in the Bible could be here so we could sit and share our common bond.

I don't need a waiting period.
You don't either.
We don't need to sit on out butts and stare at a TV screen every night after our 9-5 job waiting for the moment we are equipped enough to be used.
We don't need to wait until we are 'ready...' (what does that even look like?)
We will never be equipped.
It doesn't take being equipped, it takes being willing.

If we stopped thinking it was about being ready and equipped and prepared and adequate then we would never get anything done at all. The point is that we are not ready, but we are willing. We are not equipped, but the Holy Spirit in us is. We are not prepared but Jesus had our destiny in the palm of His hands and being prepared would ruin all the fun of it. We are never going to be adequate, but God never uses those that see themselves as adequate anyways.

I'm sick of making the Gospel so complicated. It's really a lot more simple then I make things sometimes. Love God. Know God. And just do the thing your heart tells you to do and don't let the world hold you back. Who wants to be at the end of their life wishing they did the thing they wanted to do most all those years. Not me. I also don't want to be in Heaven for eternity wishing I did that thing either. I don't want fears to define me. I don't want misconceptions to rule my life. I want Jesus to define me, and His Word to lead my life.

I just never want to have to ask "what if."
I want to live that "what if."

JESUS ISN'T LIKE ME

Hm. These past couple days have been a whirlwind. Thinking, processing, resting, and working really really hard to achieve balance in my life. To be where I want to be. To not settle. To not give up. To give more and to see myself everyday more and more as I believe Christ sees me.

It is an interesting process. Not easy, but not as hard as I thought it to be either.

You see, in the time before I came to know the Lord I was in the depths of brokenness, there was no light at the end of the tunnel I was walking into, just more and more darkness. I was stuck in a world where the only way I viewed myself was in the lens of being over-critical and unloving.

Then I met Jesus.

He was nothing like me. His Word thrived off of throwing away a judgmental attitude and embracing loving-kindness and grace. Sure, I had tried to practice those things towards others, even before I was a Believer, but I hadn't tried once to practice those things on myself.

One of the biggest lies I believe we are sometimes fed is that everything we do as Christians is fulfilled by acting a certain way towards others. Being loving to your neighbor, turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, practicing humility, honoring your parents, and giving towards others. While it is true that people should come before ourselves ultimately, if we neglect ourselves we have lost grip of who Jesus was and is.

Jesus practiced loving-kindness, grace, and compassion on himself just as much as He did to others.

I am trying to learn to do the same.

I am trying to rid my life of lies that I have been fed and have fed myself as well, and change my perspective completely. Jesus is teaching me that its okay to give myself grace, and actually, I should give myself an ample amount because I am human and perfection isn't tangible nor beneficial. Jesus is teaching me that in order to love others fully, I have to love myself and know myself. Jesus is teaching me that underneath a girl that is her own worst critic is a girl that is just trying to believe that she is enough. In learning to 'be enough' for myself, I am seeing that I am, whether I see it all the time or not, enough for others and enough for Jesus.

Today I am thankful for creative inspiration, pushing myself hard at the gym, cute (and really cheap) containers at Ikea, really yummy homemade salad dressing, perfect weather, laughing during ab workouts with my roommate, homework that excites me, catching up with friends across the world, new journals, feeling confident, and for today marking two months of choosing to no longer allow stress and anxiety in my life. I am blessed.

THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE PLEASING

I used to say yes to everything.

Maybe, sometimes, somedays, I even still do.

A chronic people-pleaser by birth... aren't we all?

I think its the trap we fall into as humans. We are so consumed with making everybody else happy that we ourselves end up last on the list of people to please. We may have good intentions, maybe even the best of intentions, but at least I know that when my life is done and over with, I don't want to end up with the anthem of my life being "I lived to please every one else."

Eventually, trying to please everybody else felt more and more like pride then it did selflessness. I didn't want my reputation to be tarnished. I wanted people to know that anything they needed I could do, I could be there for them no matter what the cost and no matter what the scenario. I wanted to feel reliable in the highest sense. I thought that saying no to opportunities meant neglecting them. I thought that saying no to a project meant that I didn't want to do it or to help the person out. I thought that saying no to an event meant that I would be thought less of or just miss out altogether. I thought that every 'no' was offensive, I thought that every time I said 'no' was me giving the wrong answer. I fell into this trap, this rut that was hard to get out of. I just knew that I needed to get out of it until it turned into a grave and I no longer had a way to get out at all.

I am realizing even in the midst of an overload of homework and projects to do, people to pour into and a long list of people I should call and catch up with, places I should be, chores that should get done, and cleaning that should have happened a long time ago, I am human. I think and create and dream and can walk and can rejoice and can dance and can sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs. I am alive. I am living and breathing and have life abundantly in Christ. Isn't that alone something to celebrate?

I realized while trying to say yes and please everybody else I forgot to say yes to the desires of my heart. I realized that I am sometimes so focused on praying for Christ to give me the desires deep within my heart that I forget many other little desires lie on the very surface of my heart and I can easily allow myself to have them. Many of them are within reach. I just say no to them because I am consumed with saying yes to everybody else.

I am learning day after day to say yes though.

To say yes to treating myself to frozen yogurt just because I like it. To say yes to painting at 2AM because I am feeling creative. To say yes to going home for the weekend and lighting the mass amounts of candles in my room just because I know if I don't they'll get dusty. To say yes to making a fancy dinner just for myself because I love to cook but don't want to wait for a man to have a reason to cook big, delicious meals. To say yes to staying up late laughing and singing old 90s songs with my roommates, because I want to enjoy a full life even if that means acting like a child sometimes. To say yes to cute underwear not because I have anyone that will see them, but because I don't want to wait until I am married to wear Victoria Secret. To say yes to a spontaneous outing even when I planned on doing homework for the night, because its the spontaneous things I'll remember, not the nights alone with homework and Ben and Jerrys. To say yes to the little things. To squeeze all that I can out of my life.

In saying no to other people, I have also learned to say yes to myself. 'No' is becoming easier to say and saying 'yes' to life and joy and trust is becoming easier as well. I feel as though my life no longer points to stress and an anxious heart, instead, it points to freedom.

If I am given the gift of life, I don't for one second want it to go to waste. I am given this life and I wake up everyday knowing it is a blessing. I want to live this blessing with all that is in me, I don't want to live merely trying to please people.

Life is good. It is abundant.
And it is fuller then full  (especially with adding the word 'no' to my vocabulary).

THIS ONE SEASON (TRUST + APPRECIATING SINGLENESS)

In the midst of my friends engagement today, my best friend getting married, and relationships and marriage surrounding me seemingly everywhere, I have had profound peace and joy and excitement about this season in my life. Like, a peace and excitement that only comes from the Lord, because Lord knows at times I am so antsy for Him to bring me the man of God He has for me.

This season I used to see as being interim.

As being the in-between period between a season of being in a leadership position that rocked my world, blessed me beyond words, and changed my life completely and a season to come of God knows what. I saw this season as purposeless before I entered into it. I was confused as to why God would want me to have purely school for a semester, interning all the time, design jobs like crazy, and homework up the ying-yang. But God is good. And sovereign. And His purpose is there even when I don't see it. There is purpose in this season. There is purpose in the homework, in the long hours, in the eye pain from staring at a computer screen for so long... it all has a purpose.

No matter if it seems like most people are able to see a bigger picture of getting married (and who they are getting married to) and having children- there is purpose in me not seeing that right now.

There is a reason why I am single. There is a reason why I don't have my whole life planned out (actually I have none of it planned out, not even next semester). There is a reason that my summer plans are up in the air. There is a reason that I know no reasons for things that happened and things still to come. Whether its to trust God, whether its to feel freedom that you can't feel when plans consume your life, whatever the reason is, I trust that God has one.

I used to focus so much on all the lives around me that are experiencing things I don't have and instead, I have learned to focus my attention on my own life. All the blessings. All the goodness. All the reasons I am where I am and not where other people are. I realized I can't base this 'timeline' of my life off of other peoples timelines. That's unrealistic and strange, quite frankly.

I can't base my happiness on what other people have that I am lacking.
It sounds obvious, but I sometimes I think maybe its not so obvious.

In the church marriage is thrown around like it's no big deal. Like.... what? I guess I don't understand when I think about it. But somewhere in the midst of it I have begun to believe that getting engaged and married not long after you exit teenage-hood is normal. If I am 30 and single, life will go on and life will still be so good and I will remain so, so thankful. I can't get caught up in what's all around me and forget that I am where I need to be right now.

Singleness has a lot of good things to it. A LOT. I forget it sometimes. I want what other people have. But also, if I had what other people had, in many senses, I think I would want to be where I am at right now. I might be jealous of the life I have right now. Truly. I am seeing all the blessings and throwing away all the junk that shouldn't hold as much power as it sometimes does. And it feels good.

I know that I am right in the palm of God's hands and I am experiencing God in beautiful ways every single day, why would I want someone else's life when my life is so full and so joy-filled?

In this season I never expected to learn and see all I have so far. I have learned what its like to trust in God and trust that freedom is real and possible. I have learned what wholeness and mending feels like, and that it takes time and doesn't mean I lack cracks and imperfections altogether. I have realized that pushing aside my passions and giftings does nothing for me, there is a reason God hands us talents and the reason is to use them. This is maybe just a season of using them and building my confidence as an artist and trusting there is purpose in that. I have learned that I am good enough for Jesus, that lesson seems to be a reoccurring theme and reminded in my life. I have learned more about singleness from being in a crappy relationship then I ever learned from actually being single, and that's a disguised blessing in so many ways. I have learned and grown and been creatively stimulated daily in this season that I once thought was an awkward in-between. What I once thought would lack purpose, is filled with purpose at every angle and to every end. There is power in me being here, while it seems the rest of the world around me is somewhere else. I need to be here. And here feels pretty good.

No matter what everyone else thinks about it or no matter where everyone else is, God's given me some good reminders that there is purpose always.

There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.

THIRTY YEARS

Today I got coffee with a friend and had perhaps the most needed and eye-opening conversation possible. It was actually astonishing how relevant and powerful talking with her was. I went home and took notes (for real). It was like hearing direct words from Jesus, her voice was simply the vessel. Wow, thank you LORD.

We talked about the constant struggle to be present and live in the now (the now surely seems mundane and repetitive sometimes). We discussed how confusing it is and frustrating it is to keep waiting and seeking a big moment, when you are living in the midst of little moments that end up being missed as a result. We talked about how we have this skewed perception that God's Will and His Plans are at Point B and we are still at Point A waiting to get through the in-between to finally get there. We miss (or forget or don't realize) that God's Will is in us, and among us, and around us and it doesn't take getting to another season or point in life to reach that. God has that for me now. Woah.

She then mentioned the fact that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30.

Then it all clicked. I truly feel like in that moment, everything in my life made sense. A burden had been lifted and I felt like the sea lacking clarity and purpose in my life had been parted (or even vanished for that matter).

Jesus spent the years of His life that aren't mentioned in the Bible doing the same mundane, repetitive things that we do sometimes. He spent those years honoring his parents, probably having play dates as a kid, sleeping, eating, getting educated, pursuing a job, working, building relationships, traveling, and going to church.

Jesus spent thirty years getting to live out life and endure hardships (ex: His dad's passing) in order to know where humans are coming from. He walked the walk before He began to talk the talk I suppose.

He may have seen some crazy miracles, but He also may not have. He may have changed a million lives, but at that point maybe He hadn't gotten even close to yet. It took thirty freaking years though. Thirty years of Jesus being patient. Thirty years of Jesus learning. Thirty years of Jesus loving those around Him. Thirty years of Him becoming even more intimate with God the Father perhaps. Thirty years of Him learning the problems humans face.

Every single one of those years had a purpose that brought Him to where He needed to be.

Jesus then, kinda looks like me right now. Going through the repetitive, mundane, enduring the small things and waiting for God to hand you the big thing you are yearning for. Jesus waited though. He lived in the now, was blessed by the now and needed all those years to prepare Him for where God was going to bring Him.

Every single day and seasons and year has incredible purpose. Even if we don't see it.

If you don't feel like you are being used as much as you think you should be, rest assure, Jesus maybe didn't feel like that either in those years. But know one thing, God's got you. He's got you. And instead of viewing it as useless seasons of waiting or preparing, view it as purposeful seasons of serving in the ordinary things and making the Kingdom known in the day-to-day. Who says that isn't just as powerful as loving orphans in Africa? Make the Kingdom known in the lives of people who have lost a grip on that because of life's many distractions and love without ceasing in this world where love like that is hard to come by.

"It was because Jesus faithfully performed the smallest duties that the greatest task in all the world was given him."

CABLE, A GOOD MATTRESS + HOME

I realized that after this weekend I spent at home, that "home" is a lot more then just the physical location of me being where I was raised my entire life. Home is the place of rest. Home is the place where I don't have to fake it. Home is the place that I can drop the past and be present, here and now. Home is more then good food and a better shower nozzle and cable television and an even better mattress. Home is comfort. Home is a place of appreciation for life and the people around you.

If I ever need a renewed sense of joy and passion in life, I go to the place where it all first started.