A LESSON ON HEALING

It's funny because I have been sore for a week and a half now, getting my body back into shape proves to be more laughable then anything else most of the time. I can't even walk, sit down, or get into my bed without looking like a fool. Anywho.

Ironically, these past few weeks have been the most healing in a long time. Even in the midst of being physically sore non-stop, I have never been so full of peace, positivity, hope, and clarity. I feel mended and healed spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in ways that I never even prayed for (thanks God).

I am learning that healing doesn't always require a prayer. It requires action, a change of heart, a desire. It requires us caring and seeking it, not just sitting back and putting it all on God.

I am learning that

Thankfulness heals.
Relaxation and rest heals.
Exercise heals.
Blessing friends heals.
and blessing strangers heals.
Learning heals.
Encouragement heals.
Optimism heals.
Seeking steadfastness heals.
Trusting God heals.
Repenting heals.
Being in the Word heals.
Change heals.
Embracing the old heals.
Moving on heals.
Laughter heals.
A hard conversation heals.
Spontaneity heals.
Smiling heals.
Jesus heals.

I am thankful for fresh flowers, actually feeling like cleaning, inspiring memoirs, chocolate fountains, a late night of laughter and memorable high school stories, big opportunities, feeling creatively inspired, hair cuts, comfy workout clothes, refusing to have worries, and not having it all figured it out.

JESUS ISN'T LIKE ME

Hm. These past couple days have been a whirlwind. Thinking, processing, resting, and working really really hard to achieve balance in my life. To be where I want to be. To not settle. To not give up. To give more and to see myself everyday more and more as I believe Christ sees me.

It is an interesting process. Not easy, but not as hard as I thought it to be either.

You see, in the time before I came to know the Lord I was in the depths of brokenness, there was no light at the end of the tunnel I was walking into, just more and more darkness. I was stuck in a world where the only way I viewed myself was in the lens of being over-critical and unloving.

Then I met Jesus.

He was nothing like me. His Word thrived off of throwing away a judgmental attitude and embracing loving-kindness and grace. Sure, I had tried to practice those things towards others, even before I was a Believer, but I hadn't tried once to practice those things on myself.

One of the biggest lies I believe we are sometimes fed is that everything we do as Christians is fulfilled by acting a certain way towards others. Being loving to your neighbor, turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, practicing humility, honoring your parents, and giving towards others. While it is true that people should come before ourselves ultimately, if we neglect ourselves we have lost grip of who Jesus was and is.

Jesus practiced loving-kindness, grace, and compassion on himself just as much as He did to others.

I am trying to learn to do the same.

I am trying to rid my life of lies that I have been fed and have fed myself as well, and change my perspective completely. Jesus is teaching me that its okay to give myself grace, and actually, I should give myself an ample amount because I am human and perfection isn't tangible nor beneficial. Jesus is teaching me that in order to love others fully, I have to love myself and know myself. Jesus is teaching me that underneath a girl that is her own worst critic is a girl that is just trying to believe that she is enough. In learning to 'be enough' for myself, I am seeing that I am, whether I see it all the time or not, enough for others and enough for Jesus.

Today I am thankful for creative inspiration, pushing myself hard at the gym, cute (and really cheap) containers at Ikea, really yummy homemade salad dressing, perfect weather, laughing during ab workouts with my roommate, homework that excites me, catching up with friends across the world, new journals, feeling confident, and for today marking two months of choosing to no longer allow stress and anxiety in my life. I am blessed.

THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE PLEASING

I used to say yes to everything.

Maybe, sometimes, somedays, I even still do.

A chronic people-pleaser by birth... aren't we all?

I think its the trap we fall into as humans. We are so consumed with making everybody else happy that we ourselves end up last on the list of people to please. We may have good intentions, maybe even the best of intentions, but at least I know that when my life is done and over with, I don't want to end up with the anthem of my life being "I lived to please every one else."

Eventually, trying to please everybody else felt more and more like pride then it did selflessness. I didn't want my reputation to be tarnished. I wanted people to know that anything they needed I could do, I could be there for them no matter what the cost and no matter what the scenario. I wanted to feel reliable in the highest sense. I thought that saying no to opportunities meant neglecting them. I thought that saying no to a project meant that I didn't want to do it or to help the person out. I thought that saying no to an event meant that I would be thought less of or just miss out altogether. I thought that every 'no' was offensive, I thought that every time I said 'no' was me giving the wrong answer. I fell into this trap, this rut that was hard to get out of. I just knew that I needed to get out of it until it turned into a grave and I no longer had a way to get out at all.

I am realizing even in the midst of an overload of homework and projects to do, people to pour into and a long list of people I should call and catch up with, places I should be, chores that should get done, and cleaning that should have happened a long time ago, I am human. I think and create and dream and can walk and can rejoice and can dance and can sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs. I am alive. I am living and breathing and have life abundantly in Christ. Isn't that alone something to celebrate?

I realized while trying to say yes and please everybody else I forgot to say yes to the desires of my heart. I realized that I am sometimes so focused on praying for Christ to give me the desires deep within my heart that I forget many other little desires lie on the very surface of my heart and I can easily allow myself to have them. Many of them are within reach. I just say no to them because I am consumed with saying yes to everybody else.

I am learning day after day to say yes though.

To say yes to treating myself to frozen yogurt just because I like it. To say yes to painting at 2AM because I am feeling creative. To say yes to going home for the weekend and lighting the mass amounts of candles in my room just because I know if I don't they'll get dusty. To say yes to making a fancy dinner just for myself because I love to cook but don't want to wait for a man to have a reason to cook big, delicious meals. To say yes to staying up late laughing and singing old 90s songs with my roommates, because I want to enjoy a full life even if that means acting like a child sometimes. To say yes to cute underwear not because I have anyone that will see them, but because I don't want to wait until I am married to wear Victoria Secret. To say yes to a spontaneous outing even when I planned on doing homework for the night, because its the spontaneous things I'll remember, not the nights alone with homework and Ben and Jerrys. To say yes to the little things. To squeeze all that I can out of my life.

In saying no to other people, I have also learned to say yes to myself. 'No' is becoming easier to say and saying 'yes' to life and joy and trust is becoming easier as well. I feel as though my life no longer points to stress and an anxious heart, instead, it points to freedom.

If I am given the gift of life, I don't for one second want it to go to waste. I am given this life and I wake up everyday knowing it is a blessing. I want to live this blessing with all that is in me, I don't want to live merely trying to please people.

Life is good. It is abundant.
And it is fuller then full  (especially with adding the word 'no' to my vocabulary).

THIS ONE SEASON (TRUST + APPRECIATING SINGLENESS)

In the midst of my friends engagement today, my best friend getting married, and relationships and marriage surrounding me seemingly everywhere, I have had profound peace and joy and excitement about this season in my life. Like, a peace and excitement that only comes from the Lord, because Lord knows at times I am so antsy for Him to bring me the man of God He has for me.

This season I used to see as being interim.

As being the in-between period between a season of being in a leadership position that rocked my world, blessed me beyond words, and changed my life completely and a season to come of God knows what. I saw this season as purposeless before I entered into it. I was confused as to why God would want me to have purely school for a semester, interning all the time, design jobs like crazy, and homework up the ying-yang. But God is good. And sovereign. And His purpose is there even when I don't see it. There is purpose in this season. There is purpose in the homework, in the long hours, in the eye pain from staring at a computer screen for so long... it all has a purpose.

No matter if it seems like most people are able to see a bigger picture of getting married (and who they are getting married to) and having children- there is purpose in me not seeing that right now.

There is a reason why I am single. There is a reason why I don't have my whole life planned out (actually I have none of it planned out, not even next semester). There is a reason that my summer plans are up in the air. There is a reason that I know no reasons for things that happened and things still to come. Whether its to trust God, whether its to feel freedom that you can't feel when plans consume your life, whatever the reason is, I trust that God has one.

I used to focus so much on all the lives around me that are experiencing things I don't have and instead, I have learned to focus my attention on my own life. All the blessings. All the goodness. All the reasons I am where I am and not where other people are. I realized I can't base this 'timeline' of my life off of other peoples timelines. That's unrealistic and strange, quite frankly.

I can't base my happiness on what other people have that I am lacking.
It sounds obvious, but I sometimes I think maybe its not so obvious.

In the church marriage is thrown around like it's no big deal. Like.... what? I guess I don't understand when I think about it. But somewhere in the midst of it I have begun to believe that getting engaged and married not long after you exit teenage-hood is normal. If I am 30 and single, life will go on and life will still be so good and I will remain so, so thankful. I can't get caught up in what's all around me and forget that I am where I need to be right now.

Singleness has a lot of good things to it. A LOT. I forget it sometimes. I want what other people have. But also, if I had what other people had, in many senses, I think I would want to be where I am at right now. I might be jealous of the life I have right now. Truly. I am seeing all the blessings and throwing away all the junk that shouldn't hold as much power as it sometimes does. And it feels good.

I know that I am right in the palm of God's hands and I am experiencing God in beautiful ways every single day, why would I want someone else's life when my life is so full and so joy-filled?

In this season I never expected to learn and see all I have so far. I have learned what its like to trust in God and trust that freedom is real and possible. I have learned what wholeness and mending feels like, and that it takes time and doesn't mean I lack cracks and imperfections altogether. I have realized that pushing aside my passions and giftings does nothing for me, there is a reason God hands us talents and the reason is to use them. This is maybe just a season of using them and building my confidence as an artist and trusting there is purpose in that. I have learned that I am good enough for Jesus, that lesson seems to be a reoccurring theme and reminded in my life. I have learned more about singleness from being in a crappy relationship then I ever learned from actually being single, and that's a disguised blessing in so many ways. I have learned and grown and been creatively stimulated daily in this season that I once thought was an awkward in-between. What I once thought would lack purpose, is filled with purpose at every angle and to every end. There is power in me being here, while it seems the rest of the world around me is somewhere else. I need to be here. And here feels pretty good.

No matter what everyone else thinks about it or no matter where everyone else is, God's given me some good reminders that there is purpose always.

There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.

MY DADDY GIVES BETTER GIFTS

At this point, I don't expect physical possessions out of Christmas. Before I knew Jesus, that's what mattered, that is what the excitement stemmed from, that's what made it my favorite holiday. Today, and in years past, things are thankfully a lot different.

My parents are paying for me to go to college, first of all. And in all honesty, they have never said 'no' to me buying anything in life. What more could I want... well, nothing. I don't deserve all I have to put it lightly.

That said, a couple weeks ago my dad and I had a conversation about the Kindle. I read a lot of books, I love books, so he thought it would be a good investment. I said I would think about it, but they are expensive so I told him if anything maybe in the future I would get the cheapest one.

In typical fashion of my father, I open up my last gift at Christmas and instead of money (which he said he was just giving us) it was a Kindle. Not the one I wanted though.

It was the top of the line, best Kindle they have.

Like... what?

I had to suck up the tears. I was in shock. I am currently in book heaven. I have all the books I have wanted the past couple months and am super, ecstatic about all the new devotionals I got. What did I spend Christmas doing? Well, mainly just reading.

All day I could not ignore the way that I felt my Dad (who doesn't even know Jesus) exemplified my Father in Heaven. We think we figured out what is best for us, but then God gives us something much better and so much bigger and infinitely more of a blessing then we ever thought possible.

Jesus gives better gifts. He gives better gifts when we seek Him. He gives better gifts when we are patient. He gives better gifts when we wait for His timing. He gives better gifts when we aren't looking for it or expecting them. He gives better gifts when our hands are open to His plan and our plan is long gone. He gives better gifts when we rely on Him more then we rely on ourselves. He gives better gifts even though we don't deserve them.

He gives good and perfect gifts even when we ask for something imperfect, little, and mediocre.

He wants to bless us even when we by no means deserve it.
THATS the God I serve, woah.

Happy Birthday Jesus, I will spend the rest of my life giving you the gift of my heart and my life.

A RESOLUTION + SOME SACRIFICES

The fact of the matter is, the world is not ending tomorrow. At least, I don't believe so and I urge my mom to stop watching crazy doomsday shows and entertaining the idea in the slightest. However, all the hype about it got me thinking... what if my life really did end sometime soon? What if today or tomorrow or the next day was my final day on Earth? What would I be known for, what would I have accomplished, what would my life stand for when it all comes down to it?

It made me question whether or not I am making the most of my life. I know that is a huge loaded question, but really. Seriously. Am I living the life I want to be remembered by? If I were to write down the qualities and characteristics that I wanted people to know about me by the time my life ended on this earth, would they actually be said of me today, right in this moment?

Lets be real. It makes me nervous when I try and search my own heart for what screams like a loudspeaker out of my life. What speaks loud, what sins envelop my life, what passions define me, what drives me, what gives me worth and meaning, what fills up my time? Is my life really about the things that I want them to be about? Woah. Talk about a life that needs some times to be changed, nothing is put into perspective until those questions literally circle my mind.

I used to always hear the statement that the things that define you are the things that you spend your time doing, the things you spend your time thinking about, and the things you spend your money on. In that case, my life is not what I want it to be about on all three accounts. Truth be told, I am not living the life I want to be living and the only thing I can point to blame is my flesh and Satan. I listen to my flesh when it tells me that I need a new dress or need more clothes when I already have more then my closet full and more then enough to clothe me to begin with. I listen to my flesh when it tells me to go on social networking websites instead of spend intentional time with God or with other human beings. I listen to the flesh when I think about what food I am craving and want to go buy for dinner, when I run lines through my mind of things I want to say to people instead of just trust God and leave conversations to come in His hands, I listen to my flesh when I think more about myself then I do about other people and about ultimately, glorifying God above everything. I realize, when I think about all I want to change in my life, how much I truly do not have it all together as much as I think I do sometimes.

The typical Christian cop-out is that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It's true. We all sin, and perfection (thankfully) is not required for us to follow Jesus. But the thing is, I want grace and mercy to cover over my life because of God's goodness not because it's a cover up for living according to my flesh. I don't want his grace to be a cop-out. I want his grace and forgiveness to be an added bonus.

I know that it is a little early to make a New Years Resolution, but I am making one. However, I am praying it doesn't stop there. I am making a Life Resolution. (Cliche I know.) I am cleaning out all the junk in my life. Although my room is currently messy (let's be real, I still have to unpack), my heart feels freedom finally. Freedom because I am vowing to no longer just have these ideas of how my life can depict Christ more, but I am living those ideas. I am doing, not just thinking and praying. I think a big mistake that I often make is that we must always pray and seek God in everything. I agree to that entirely, but sometimes we place the acting upon those prayers and desires last. Instead of just doing something... and then seeking God amidst that and through it all. The biggest mistake we can make is to push aside convictions with the justification that 'I'll just pray about it.' Some things have answers, and they are written right in the book God gifted to us. Some things have clearer answers then we would like to think.

So, I am giving up the excess in my life. With the things that I feel in some way, shape or form define me. I think that if I am striving to represent Christ, I can't represent the world. There is no middle ground I can or should fall upon. It is either all about Him or it isn't about Him at all.

I want people to view me as a person that made her life about other people. A girl that cared more about blessing people with anything they needed then she did about blessing herself with temporary, fleeting things. I want people to view me as loving and selfless not as blinded or selfish. I want people to see Christ's joy inside of me and know that it cannot be found in this world. I want people to view me as clothed with grace and humility more then I want them to view me as clothed with cute outfits. I want people to know me through intentional conversations, coffee dates, and long Skype calls, not through social networking, or even through this blog. I want people to be impacted by Christ's working through me. I want people to come to me when they are at their most broken, I want to be the first person people call. I want to be a life changer that in turn changes the world as people know it. I want to actually believe what the Word says is true... Here me out: I know that the Word is true... but I want to live it in such a way that points to the fact that I believe it with all of my being. I want to live with sacrifices that point to Jesus, I want to live a life that isn't easy but it's good and full because of Jesus. I want to live pouring out blessings on others that in turn, points to Jesus, I want to live in a way that doesn't make sense to this world. Yes, I really just want my life to point to Jesus. And if it is not 100% undoubatably doing that to the people around me, and if I can't be content where I am at in my walk with God. Then things have got to change.

Here's to change, here's to convictions, here's to a new life of freedom. Starting now.
Whatever it takes, Lord. Whatever it takes.

"You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are." 
Joyce Meyer

LESSONS FROM A WAITER

Yesterday my roommate and I went to see The Voice, our favorite show and the only show I have been following on Hulu this past semester. So basically, from the get go it was a great day. We spent all day on our feet, cheering, screaming, losing our voices, and naturally, at the end of it all, all we wanted to do was eat. We went to a nearby restaurant, it was pretty empty, considering it was 9:30 and no one eats dinner that late.

It shouldn't have surprised us, because God had literally given us favor and showered us with surprise blessings all day, but He did it yet again in giving us a wonderful waiter. Like, I'm talking the kind that makes you want to eat slower because he was so down to Earth and caring. He was a middle aged man with huge dreads going all the way down to his knees... rad and one-of-a-kind to say the least. He was the kindest, friendliest stranger I had interacted with in a very long time.

The First Lesson:

At one point in the meal my roommate questioned 'I wonder how long it took him to grow out his hair?' My natural reaction was 'that cannot be all his hair... there is no way, it must be extensions or something.' So she proceeded to ask him about it... he said he has been growing his hair for twenty years. TWENTY YEARS. I have only been alive for twenty years, there is no way I could grow my hair that long without cutting it. It blew my mind. He then told us how he thinks for the new year he is going to chop it all off. I laughed and said that I would never chop off all my hair, and how much hair he had put mine to shame.

He said how his hair had been through a lot (metaphorically speaking)... a lot of junk in his life had been caught up in that hair and at this point, he wanted to just get rid of it all and start fresh. I sat there in awe and my head was running though how brilliant of a metaphor that is for so many things in life. How often does our junk and worry and questions and sins just keep piling up on themselves before we ever think to just let go of it all? How often would we rather bask in the comfort of not getting rid of the things we are so accustomed to, instead of step out of our comfort zone and change things? How often do these things that we don't want in our life, the things that pull us down instead of free us, how often do those things pile up on us without us ever realizing it... with the result of being weighed down with 'twenty years worth of dreads'?

I don't know about you, but in twenty years I don't want to be wishing I let go of things that I just always held on to out of comfort and familiarity. Change and letting go is good when change and letting go means freedom and lifted burdens.

The Second Lesson:

Before we ate our meal, we said a quick prayer. Usually I do it in my head or if we do choose to pray in public, it typically means a quick prayer as to not make others uncomfortable or draw attention. However, when we prayed quickly for our meal, our waiter came up, lightly touched our shoulders and listened to our prayer with respect, as to pray along with us. After, my roommate and I were blown away. Here's the thing, out of the million times I have prayed in public, no waiter has ever done that. I mean, the chances of our waiter being a Christian are possible, but to be honest, if he wasn't a Christian it was all the more powerful. I think the beauty in him meeting us where we were at, respecting our beliefs, and caring enough to in a sense, view things through our lenses, was so incredibly powerful.

I questioned how often myself, and the entire church perhaps, allows ourselves to be in other people's shoes. We allow ourselves to be in other Christians shoes all the time, but how about people of other faiths or that don't have a faith in God at all? We don't allow ourselves to meet those people where they are at. We fight for words, for persuasion, to convince, to make our beliefs known, instead of just put our hands on their shoulders and love them where they are at.

Woah.

The Third Lesson:

We asked for our check and our waiter proceeded to ask if we wanted dessert... and that it would be on him. I mean, whens the last time I had a waiter pay for my best friend and I to have dessert? Um, how about never. So we ate the most bomb brownie and ice cream dessert and felt so blessed by someone else's generosity. My heart after that night felt so blown away and so blessed by that gesture of kindness, I don't think that reaching out and loving others means anything crazy extravagant, this brownie dessert sure did well and it made me question, like, what if I chose to intentionally bless strangers day-to-day in the little things, not always in the crazy big things? A random encouragement on a post-it note or a Starbucks being payed for. How much would the world be blessed and changed if we just began this chain of loving people when we have no idea where they are at in life. Eventually, we will hit loving on people that needed that love every little bit. We will eventually hit the people that didn't just smile, they wept because they realized they are loved and valued in this world.

I think that the quote 'he/she didn't have to do this' is so powerful, and should be what people say about Christians all the time. We don't have to do this or that, or go above and beyond to love people, but as Christians we should.

I saw beauty and power in loving strangers, we are called to love our neighbors and those that are near to us in life, but what about everyone else?

THE BEST THING FOR A HEART

Genuinely embracing life, enjoying it just as it is, and milking life for all its worth.
It's my new favorite thing.

That sounds weird. But really. How often is everyone in college caught up in academics or student leadership or jobs or internships? All the time. We are so consumed in doing what 'makes sense' (even if we love it), but sometimes we forget to appreciate the little things that fill us up and make us really enjoy life. Selflessness is great, but I am realizing the necessary balance in life of doing things for other people and enjoying things that fill us up personally. Sometimes we forget the second half as Christians, or we think God does not call us fill ourselves up.

I am loving putting on bright lipstick just because.
I am loving finding cute nail inspiration on Pinterest then painting my nails to match.
I am loving watching cute old 90's movies because I can.
I am loving wearing things in my closet that seem really 'out there.' Because, well... why not?

Sometimes, we are too preoccupied in 'things' and forget to enjoy the life we have been handed. And one thing is for sure, I would hate to get to the end of my life and realize so much of it I didn't even make the most out of. If there is anything I don't want, it is a wasted life. What a bummer to have our eyes set on all the wrong things throughout life: career, possessions, etc. I feel that the most worthwhile life I am finding is one that is drenched in the presence of God. One that experiences God amidst everything, painting nails and watching old movies included. I think instead of making life about finding time to fit God into our schedule, or one hour devotions every day being 'enough,' instead our whole schedule should consist of experiencing Him. I think that God is a God that delights in us loving the life we are living. I think the quickest way to a wasted life is one that is not fully appreciated, embraced, and loved. The minute I forget to enjoy life is the minute I am wasting it.

PINK LIPSTICK + GREETING CARDS

Today I am thankful for laughter, the kind that makes you forget all your worries in life.
Today I am thankful for spontaneous decisions with good company.
Today I am thankful for rest, the kind that grants you peace you didn't think was possible.
Today I am thankful for roommates that are way more then just people I live with.
Today I am thankful for finding worth and security in Jesus, nothing and no one else.
Today I am thankful for hot pink lipstick, for those nights you feel truly comfortable in your own skin.
Today I am thankful for dance, for loud old hip hop songs and for Taylor Swift.
Today I am thankful for random bonding over shopping trips and bonding over dance performances.
Today I am thankful for hysterical greeting cards and surprise notes of encouragement.
Today I am thankful for paychecks you needed, but forgot you were going to get.
Today I am thankful for online sermons and powerful convictions.
Today I am thankful for late nights of decorating cookies and laughing hard.
Today I am thankful for having so many opportunities that I eventually have to say 'no' to some.
Today I am thankful for fearlessness, somewhere in my heart... that I never even knew I had.
Today I am thankful for God being the healer and mender of all things broken.
Today I am thankful for the beauty of life, even, (and especially) the beauty that comes after pain.
Today I am thankful for the exact hand of cards I have been dealt in life.

I am lucky.

THE END OF A CONSTANT

You see, I came to college knowing nothing about what would hit me. (Do we ever?) I thought it would be a fun four years of change and maturity and fun and learning. I had no idea what I was in for.

I had no idea that my pursuit of education would turn into a pursuit of loving people better then I loved getting good grades. I had no idea that my pursuit of maturity would turn into a pursuit of being a better leader. I had no idea that my desire to study abroad would turn into serving (not studying) during a two month long trip to Tanzania. I had no idea that my desire to learn would result in learning more about myself then I have ever learned from a textbook. I had no clue what was coming.

However, amidst all of this change and growth during these incredible two and a half years, there has been one thing that has changed everything.

Alpha.

I was immediately put into an alpha group the first night I moved in to college. I had no idea what that even meant, nor what impact this group would have on my life... this whole program would have on my life. My alpha leader transformed my freshmen year, she showed me what it looked like to follow Christ, to have true freedom, she believed in me at times far more then I believed in myself, she was intentional and real with me, and whenever I needed someone to brighten my day it was always her that did it. She was so good at it too. It was her belief in me and the community that she created that inspired me to apply to be in her position. So I did.

The best Alpha Leader ever... but really.

And then I got it.

And I had absolutely no idea what was coming for me. I had never felt like a real leader in life before, getting that position was the first step toward my journey. The group of freshmen that I got blessed to lead taught me, as cliche as it sounds, to be a leader. They allowed me to be myself and to lead out of the essence of my character. They went along with my crazy ideas (going to Roscoes for our last meeting, pinatas, crazy games, eating a ridiculous amount of dessert every meeting) and they celebrated the beauty of life with me so well. They showered me with love and encouragement and supported me just as much as I sought to support them.

My Alpha Group. The incredible group of people I got to lead.

My alpha leader got the position where she would be leading alpha leaders, and all the irony in the world landed me in her best friend's group, who likewise got the position. The night I found out who I would be led by in this season, I knew I was going to get the leader I got. I knew that in some way, I needed this girl in my life. I have never been so glad I was right in my entire life.

My beautiful Alpha Coordinator (left) and Alpha Leader (right).

My alpha coordinator transformed my sophomore year, she showed me what a woman of God looks like, she showed me the power of vulnerability in leadership, she was the first person I'd call when I needed someone, the first person I wanted to share exciting news with, she was strength when I was struggling, and she was the incredible wisdom that no one else in my life could give to me. She knew me better then I could ever have fathomed someone could in just months of knowing me. She was quite literally Christ's hands and feet in my life.

The group of leaders that surrounded me under her leadership taught me more about community then I have ever learned, they were the people that I laughed hardest with and the people that I preferred to be with over anyone else in life. They believed in me and they fostered in me a leader that finally, began to believe in herself. It was my alpha coordinator's belief in me and the community that surrounded me that inspired me to apply for my leader's position. So I did.

Reunion of my Alpha Coordinator Group, October 2012.

As luck would have it, and definitely as some miracle would have it, I got it.

The night I got the position was roughly one year ago. I remember the tears, the screams, the shock. I remember the crazy stream of praying because I never expected for the e-mail to congratulate me instead of turn me down. I had more emotions in one night then I could even handle. Then it hit me the fears I had, the challenges I knew I would face, but that people believed in me. I knew in my heart I could do it and I did not doubt God's hand in this all.

This past year of leading leaders has taught me leaps and bounds about life and what I want out of it. I realized the power of leading out of brokenness instead of out of my strength. I realized that being real and vulnerable with the people you are leading pays off, having it all together is more of a lie then it would ever be a blessing to those that you lead. I saw the extent that God wants to use me and the big things that He chooses to do with my life and my words. I realized that I can do nothing in it of my own strength, but God sure can do crazy things through me. I realized that life is meaningless if you are not loving those around you, and loving them well. I have overcome more fears then I can count on my fingers. I have experienced more hurt then I have in a long while. But I have experienced more joy and had more breakthroughs then I could ever list. I have learned the meaning of grace, given it out a lot, and been blow away by God's sovereignty amidst that. I have been broken but I have been mended well and all the more beautifully. I have seen how God changes things, redeems things, and heals things that are only in His power to do.

The group of people that lead alongside me the past year have blown my mind and enriched my heart in a multitude of ways. They have filled me up when I was running on empty, they have taken my burdens as their own, and they have loved me so well. I gained five girls that I know are there for me from here on and a handful of incredibly influential men of God that continue to bless my life, and will much past sharing the same leadership title. They have shown me how twelve incredibly diverse individuals can come together for one common purpose, to pour into people that in turn show the entire freshmen class at this university who Jesus is. They have taught me how no one leadership style is supreme, there is power in leading in different ways. They have shown me Christ and they have encouraged the living daylights out of me.

2012 Staff and Alpha Coordinators

The group that I was blessed to lead taught me and tangibly showed me selfless, sacrificial love. They challenged me to love harder, to enjoy life more, and to listen closer because of the way that they lived it themselves. They allowed me to be their rocks even when they know very well how imperfect and broken I am myself. They also were endlessly willing to be my rock whenever I needed them. They have entrusted me with their prayers and their hearts, and they have prayed for me and been willing to hear my own heart as well. They gave me grace, made me laugh at my worst moments, and gave me tears of joy often. They have believed in me relentlessly and encouraged me with all the encouragement I could ever need. They have inspired me with the way that they are so incredibly intentional with each other and love each other where they are at daily. They have taught me, just as I once said in a devotional to them, that I am enough, in my rawest, realest form. It was their belief in me and the community that they continue to create to this day and to this second, that has inspired me... that has changed my entire life.

So blessed by this group of eleven people.

I sit here on November 30th, 2012 with the new found realization that I am no longer a part of the Alpha Program. I am no longer an alphie, no longer an alpha leader, no longer an alpha coordinator. I am no longer on a student leadership contract and for the first time in two and a half years, I am no longer under a technical leadership position at all.

The weirdest realization.

As much as I feel today marks the technical end of a constant throughout my life since I entered college, I cannot for one second lack any amount of thankfulness for where I am at in my life. I was blessed by a program that gave me some of my best friends, that gave me some of the most influential leaders I will ever have in my life, that allowed me to experience God in beautiful ways, that allowed me to learn to believe in myself in ways I never did before. As much as I can think all day long that this is the end of a peak in my life, I know that God has many more peaks to come, He is using this merely to prepare me all the more. Thank you Jesus for so many blessings, for endless love and for choosing to use me, even in all of my brokenness. You are good and you are so faithful.

A DECLARATION

I am happy.

Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.

I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.

While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.

I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.

I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.

I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.

When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.


"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."

JUST AS THANKFUL TODAY

For all the hype that goes on during Thanksgiving, I woke up today feeling just as thankful. Isn't that how it should be? One day to celebrate thanks is good, but how much more powerful is a life of thanks then just one day where you list what your thankful for then proceed to eat lots of turkey to celebrate it?

Today I desire to be more thankful then I was yesterday.
Then I want that to happen for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for a year of growth and transformation. I am thankful for the goodness God has graciously put in my hands and I am thankful for brokenness He has allowed me to experience, (in that, I have learned to have immense trust in God, beyond what I have ever experienced before.) I am thankful that coming home made me realize how I have the most incredible army of people here that love and support me. I am thankful that when I go back to school I will again, be reminded, of the very same thing there. I am thankful for rest that always comes when I need it most. I am thankful for God showing me beauty and power in singleness. I am thankful for being chosen to be a leader over and over, with nothing of my own doing but everything to do with God's doing. I am thankful that I've stopped crazy planning and opened my hands to God's crazy beautiful ideas. I am thankful for learning grace to the millionth degree, my life will never be same after God's lesson in that. I am thankful for God carrying all of my anxieties and burdens freely, I am allowed a freedom and hope that is beyond what I could ever have without Him. I am thankful for the Word, that is always powerful and relevant, always there when I need it and has all the right words when people often don't. I am thankful for every single experience I have ever been through, cause in the most non-cliche way, it has gotten me right where I am at. I am thankful for belief in myself, something that I lacked entirely years ago. I am thankful for the potential of so many beautiful things in my future, however I am more thankful that often God gives me even more then I planned on. I am thankful for the truth-speakers in my life, those that have been my rock when I have been weak and my laughter amidst tears. I am thankful for people, at the end of the day. They are, after all, the only thing I can take with me to Heaven. I am thankful for being allowed to have so many opportunities to create and design and be an artist, it is in creating that I can experience my Creator in extraordinary ways. I am thankful for this year, for these seasons of experiencing Him. I am thankful that saying "yes" to Jesus was the best decision I ever made in my life.

STATE OF BEING THANKFUL

I am working on this thing called thankfulness.

It seems easy, but then again, it seems difficult. It seems hard to see the glass as not only full for right now, but for ever. It seems hard to see a bigger picture, a bigger plan, when it's invisible. I like the concrete, the fathomable, the obvious, the strategic, the logical. Trust maybe isn't one of those things, and neither is the future.

This weekend I grasped thankfulness though. I am realizing that joy is not something that is ever handed to you, and even when you seek joy and pursue it alone, you can't always even remotely get a grip on it. However, thankfulness, I am realizing, leads to joy in really beautiful ways. It is in the moments, days, weeks, that we live out of constant awe and thankfulness to God that we experience true joy. Thankfulness cannot exist apart from joy. Joy cannot exist without constant, unceasing thankfulness.

To be thankful is to have joy seeping out of the pores of your body. That kind of joy is the kind that brings others to ask questions about what you have that they don't. To live, breathe, move, and exist with continual thankfulness is to show the Gospel without knowing it.

Thankfulness is a task and a feat to live out daily. But I am realizing the worth and value in it. Seeing God in the little things, in the day to day thankfulness- the thanking of food and friendship and laughter and things falling together without stress and music and intentional conversations and the beauty of the body of Christ- choosing to see God in those little things means choosing to acknowledge that God works in and through everything. Thankfulness is, as clique as it is, an act of worship. An act of reverence to God. That we don't have it all figured out, but He does. And we choose to acknowledge and thank God in that. And if we trust Him effortless, continually, in the little things, we will eventually grow to trust Him in the huge things. We will begin to let go of all that strikes fear, bitterness, negativity, and doubt into our life. We will replace it all with thankfulness.

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin. I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies. John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat. The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience."— Shauna Niequist

Thank Him today.

THE BETTER PLAN + PATH

God gives and gives and gives and gives, and then allows for some things to be taken away in the midst of all of it. But I am realizing He truly NEVER stops giving. And often, maybe even in the midst of you being refined, transformed, and even in the midst of losing things, you are probably actually gaining something as well. We just are too blinded to see it in the moment.

I am realizing how finite my brain truly is. I cannot comprehend God's plan, so why do I try to? I think one of the most beautiful aspects of life is looking back on the past and seeing God's hand work seamlessly throughout it all. You see things you never saw when you were going through them.

Everything makes sense in the end.

The will of God is never exactly what I expect it to be. It sometimes seems to be much worse but I am realizing daily that in the end it always is a whole lot better and a whole lot bigger.

"And nothing is hidden from Your sight, Wherever I go, you find me. And you know every detail of my life, and you are God and you don't miss a thing"

AM I DESERVING

I often find myself looking at what I don't have instead of what I do have. Especially recently. You get given something, then it is taken away and you are left with the lie that you somehow 'deserved' that blessing and don't deserve for it to be taken away. Once things are given to us in life, things we really want, we cling onto them and don't allow our hands to let go.

Deserving things is a far fetched lie. A lie I often buy into. Whoever said we deserve squat is severely deceived. Every single thing on Earth is a thing we never deserved in the first place.

The second my mind swaps its natural way of thinking and starts viewing blessings just as they are, undeserved blessings. That is the second my whole perspective on my life changes.

Loss and pain and hurt lead way to us falling into ruts of uncertainty, doubt, confusion, and bitterness. But those emotions fall fast when we realize the fullness and goodness that often eventually comes from hardships and trials. We don't deserve a life that is easy and lacking loss and heartbreak and let downs. Actually, I think often the life we get is a whole lot more full and filled then we ever earned.

If we want to compare ourself against the deserving, Jesus was deserving. And He did not receive even a small ounce of what He should have.

Jesus gives us inherently more then we could ever deserve, ask for, need, or earn.