A WRECK, A LOG, + A REVELATION

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

This past summer, much to my surprise, I ended up doing a ropes course.

Anyone that knows anything about me, knows that heights are a crippling fear of mine. As in, you don't want to see me when I am faced with that fear and you better hope I'm not wearing makeup because it'll be ruined. My body turns into an anxious mess and my flesh overrides any optimism or confidence and simply destroys any positivity or joy I have.

I did not plan on doing anything on the ropes course in the beginning. But I also didn't want to look like a fool. I wanted to get something out of the day and I knew I wouldn't unless I put myself out there and faced my biggest fear. While all my friends did the huge, crazy ropes courses, my goal of the day was to finish just one portion of the course... but that thought alone tormented me. It took me probably over an hour to get up the nerve to even begin the course. But the second I got a couple feet off the air and began the course I was a mess. Like, I'm talking... a mess. You would have thought someone died. I could not stop the tears and my heart was going a hundred miles an hour.

I never willingly succumb myself to anything to do with heights. I was confused in that moment on why I chose to do something that scared the bajeebees out of me.

Once I climbed to the point I needed to, I got on the log and faced the challenge. The goal was to walk across the log without anything to hold onto except the rope you were connected to for safety. As my friends were below me cheering me on, I still could not control my emotions. I was embarrassed, clearly, but in that moment I truly didn't think I could do it. There was no way. My body was compulsively shaking, my mind was telling me to get down, and that left zero room for the Holy Spirit to give me any sort of confidence at all. Fear surrounded me, engulfed me, filled my thoughts, and controlled me.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

If I ever need a reminder of how crappy fear feels and how much it can control us, I go back to that moment.

It took me a while. Who knows how long I was up there. But eventually, I closed my eyes and just prayed. Then I wiped my tears, calmed myself down as much as I could, and walked across. Slow and steady, reminding myself of the truths in the Gospel. It was like I flipped a switch, and everything had changed. It was miraculous. I silenced the fear, silenced Satan, and tuned my ears only to hear the Holy Spirit. The only thing I remember telling myself was 'Jesus believes in you.' I told myself Jesus believed in me so many times as I was walking I began to actually believe in myself as well.

Once I got down my friends said how astonishing it was the second my mindset changed from listening to lies to listening to truth. My whole demeanor changed entirely.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

In the end, I did the course again. Crazy I know. The second time was much quicker and the second time I actually felt brave. Instead of telling myself of how Jesus believed in me though I replaced it with me whispering confident proclamations about myself. 'You got this', 'you're brave', 'I believe in you.' It was one of the best full-circle moments I've had in my life. I may not have succeeded in the worlds standards the first time, but I think (I hope, I pray) I made God smile.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

Today, I was listening to the song Pursuit by Jesus Culture when this lyric just clicked. I've heard this song a million times, I play it on repeat almost daily, but never have I had it blow my mind like it did. If any line can encompass this past year of my life, it's this one. I have faced fears that clearly engulfed me, desires of my heart I didn't realize were so strong, and faults and failures that Jesus has refined and changed in incredible ways. I see this year as a year of complete transformation, in more ways then I think I even realize right now.

I let go of things that defined me in ways I didn't want to be defined. I allowed myself vulnerability, I allowed myself to mess up and to even, to a certain extent, regret things. I allowed myself space to learn and grow and love and lose and surrender. I listened and put myself in others shoes. I forgave when it didn't make sense and moved forward when that seemed to be the only option. I let go of my own plans and I embraced the plans God has for me, even though much of it (if not all of it) remains a mystery to me still. I led and I allowed others to lead me. I pursued my dreams and I let go of some of them. I listened to the hardest life stories and testimonies I've ever heard and I reflected a lot on who I am and who I want to be. I served until I was run dry and then I relied on God to keep serving even more. I did a lot of things I never planned to and I was humbled daily to be used by God despite all my imperfections.

This year I became less and less, Jesus became more and more, and in that, I am becoming more and more of who I was created to be.

This year I am proud of who I am. I am thankful that at the end of the day I have Christ always to fall back on and I am thankful that at the end of the day, I have myself too. I believe that Christ is refining me and molding me and for that, I have confidence. I know that His work in me is not yet completed and it will be perfected in the end. I am the most joyful girl to know that this next year I will be better and stronger (and yet weaker) because of how God will work in my life.

I remember being on that log high up in the air, facing my biggest fear and realizing that in the end, it wasn't even that scary. No matter what this next year throws at me, I am assured and confident that it won't even be that scary in the end. No matter what I face, Jesus faces it next to me, He was on that log up in the air whispering truths into my ear after all. In the Holy Spirit I indeed have confidence.

Here's to 2013.

A GUY NAMED ANGEL

I am aware that we often make stress something that it doesn't need to be at all. We stress about the most unnecessary things. However, as much as that can be head knowledge, yesterday that didn't stop me from stressing out over the internship interview I was going to have and the one biggest dread I had:

Parking.

Sounds dumb right. But first of all, I hate the hassle of finding parking most places but more then anything, places like Hollywood. Which just so happened to be where I was going. I also hate being late, much more then finding parking. My fear was running late because I couldn't find the right parking structure they were talking about or there was no parking in it or something weird. Anyhow, I could not sleep the night before with the fear of something going wrong. I had never been to this exact place before so I did not want to do screw it up by messing up something simple.

Too hard on myself? Probably. Trusted God? Not nearly enough.

However, God must have been up there giggling at me or something because too many things happened that pointed straight to Him.

Like this guy named Angel. The name seemed to be no coincidence to me. He worked at the parking garage as the attendant and blessed my day to an extent that I really needed in that moment. He had the most angelic smile and encouraged me for a solid five minutes, not knowing me at all, about the interview I was about to have. He affirmed me like crazy. The kind of heart that came across in five minutes of conversation gave me the exact amount of peace I needed. Then he gave me more specific directions on what building and door to enter in through and told me to just take a breather and head to Starbucks (since I was an hour early, ha). To the world, it may have just been an encounter with a friendly person, but to me, he was literally an angel of peace that calmed all of my nerves.

My day was encouraged by nailing the interview, loving the outfit I wore and feeling classy and professional all day, going to the Museum of Tolerance and hearing a Holocaust speaker with so much joy and perspective which encouraged the living daylights out of me, getting the kindest text from my momma, getting loads of snapchats from my beautiful alpha leaders (friends now), and enjoying homemade hot apple cider with friends before finishing one of the last papers of this semester.

Yesterday was perfect. God giggled again at how I stressed and lost sleep over a day that turned out to be so, so good.

YOU OF LITTLE FAITH

"I will take care of you.
I will give you everything you need.
And more.

I desire to give you your daily bread.

I will clothe you.
I will feed you.
I will provide for you.

I will take care of every worry that shouldn't have to fill your mind.

I will take care of you
So long as you seek me.

Stop worrying.
Stop planning.
Stop being anxious.

Show me that I am worthy of your unceasing trust.
I will show you moment after moment why I will never fail you.
Oh, you of little faith."


[Paraphrased from Matthew 7:25-34]

THE ART OF BEING WHERE YOU ARE AT

Today I went to class all day, made my own (really tasty) lunch and stopped at Target in between classes, came home and took a two hour long (really great) nap because I was on the verge of extreme unhappy mode, got dinner with a friend and vented about frustrations (really needed for both of us- being real and vulnerable rules), did homework for a few hours and just finished taking a little quick run (11pm runs rule as well).

The thing is... the to-do list of things I have this week is long, to say the least. And the stresses of life seem to be toppling in on me. There are a lot of things I could have done other then what I ended up doing. In my mind, as busy as I was today, I still have a lot to do and I could have used my time better. As normal of a phrase as that seems, I realized tonight how often that is my conclusion of the day.

I could have done more.
I could have used my time wiser.
I could have been more efficient.
I could have served and poured into more people.
I could have this, I could have that.

The problem in all of this became clear to me tonight: in the list of people that are hard on me, I am number one. I am my own worst critic. I am often closer to being my own worst enemy then I am a fan of who I am in Christ. I am often a perfectionist. I am often hard on myself to the point of being highly unrealistic. I am never content with where I am, always striving to be more and to do more. I often don't allow myself to really feel emotions, I bottle them up, or I vent and then disclose them permanently in fear of people seeing my weaknesses as I see them. I am in some weird parallel of being an emotional person and yet fearing emotions as well. But at the end of the day, the reality is I can never just be where I am at. And the sad part is, in that, I gyp myself of enjoying life exactly how it is, where I am at. I gyp myself of rest and peace and satisfaction and joy. I am too busy trying to beat myself, to be better, that it seems I am chasing after a shadow that will never disappear.

Life is not a game of being better in the world's standards. I will fail. We will fail.
We will never succeed.

The conclusion of the unsuccessful nature of my day also oddly enough, led me to the conclusion that I actually allowed myself to be where I was at today. On one hand, my extremely self-critical nature was telling myself I did not do enough. On the other hand and inside my convictions tonight, I realized I did do enough today. Today was the kind of days the people like me need more often.

Today I needed to have a real talk about life with someone, so I did that to the glory of God. I needed to rest, so I slept to the glory of God (shoot, that's fun!) I needed to get homework done, so I did what I could without heaping bounds of stress on my shoulders. Then I allowed myself to stop and not be hard on myself. I enjoyed the quick trip to Target and making a delicious lunch for myself while going on Pinterest. I also enjoyed the run to end my day and the worship music that spoke to my soul during it. Today I did what I needed to do to be full of the emotions I have very much so missed. The good emotions. Today, God beautifully met me where I was at, and I met myself where I was at also. Often, I forget that second part.

Even though today I was not in the greatest mood of my lifetime, nor was I the happiest nor was I at the joy-level I am usually accustomed to. The beauty of what today was, was that I allowed myself to be right where I was at.

I too often don't allow myself that out of life.