At the end of last week I returned from a ten-day backpacking trip
that was required as part of the training to be a Resident Advisor at my
university (the position that I have stepped into for this year.) To
say that this trip was transformational and eye-opening, ridiculously
stretching and hard, extremely joy-filled and fun, and just straight-up incredible,
would be the understatement of the century. Ten days was all it took to
completely change mindsets, challenges and struggles, and perceptions I
held for far too long.
There is, frankly, a million
different directions that I could go off into about things that I was
shown, answers God gave me, encouragement God spoke to me, and
truth-bombs that others spoke into my life that will surely never fade.
But there was one truth that I was faced with on Day 1 that rocked my
experience and broke me down to the core so that all I could face was
who I was, who God is to me, and the place God's people have in my life.
The
morning we left I woke up at 3AM to take my final shower, go pre-trip
the huge commercial van I was going to drive up there, and be ready to
leave by 4AM. Once we left a few thoughts crossed my mind, the main one
being 'Why did I volunteer to drive the van? Why didn't I know I was going to leave so early?' After six or so hours of driving, my teammates got hours of solid nap-time and there I was.... drained. I was already
exhausted and we hadn't even started yet. To make matters 10x better, I
was now I was given the knowledge that the first day we got there was
going to be our longest and hardest day of backpacking. We got to the
wilderness, put on our packs that were literally as heavy as a toddler
and nearly as large as me, and began our 6-mile hike to get to our first
day's destination by nightfall. Throw in the worst stomach ache,
nausea, and dizziness imaginable half-way through the hike... and that
was me on day one. I was mentally beat, physically struggling
beyond what I can even express in words, and I had no clue how I was
going to live through this trip. I questioned a lot, doubted myself a
ton, and called myself weak more then I ever had viewed myself as weak
in my lifetime.
On day one I was forced to rely on others.
And that's hard for a girl that thrives on independence and loves to do
it all on her own. I was forced to cling to girls that I had just met because I couldn't do
that day on my own. I had no choice but to cry on the first day, even
though I swore I would do all it took to never cry on this trip. Day one
I faced lies that were spoken into my life of not being good enough, or
strong enough... of being weak, of being too this or too that. Day one I
had to lean on people and lean on God even more so.
Day one said both a lot and very little about what the rest of the trip had in store for me.
About
five days or so into the trip I was stuck back again in the position of
being forced to rely on others and incapable of doing it all on my own.
I screwed up my right ankle and was in a lot of physical pain as I
tried to navigate huge rocks and tall inclines. I am not the
person that ever sprains or hurts herself physically in ways like this,
so it was almost laughable that the time I am in the wilderness for ten
days I mess up my ankle. The rest of the trip the hikes consisted of me
being consistently in the back because of my ankle. It took longer for
me because I didn't want to risk going fast and hurting myself worse. I had to go slow. I had to ask others to help me down when the hill was steep or the rocks were too far apart. I had to grab out for hands that offered to help.
It
started out as frustrating but by the end of the trip it was
liberating. I felt like I defeated the part of my prideful heart that
cares about being first or best or fastest or most recognized. I was last and I was injured and I was slow
and during the infamous run at the end of the trip, I was physically
unable to run the 9 miles that most of my team ran, I had to run the
smallest increment... 3 miles. In my heart, I felt like 'unrecognized' was stamped on my forehead.
And it was freaking beautiful.
It
was beautiful to realize firsthand that there is so much more power and
hope and grace and love in reaching out to the person that's last then
there ever is in pridefully trying to be first or best just to pat
yourself on the back. I got yet another clear picture of the beauty of
people being put far before your own desires or expectations. I realized
that yes, God does indeed use pain to bring about strength. I saw how
strength is made most beautiful when its evened out by a healthy dose of
weakness and vulnerability.
So I'll be that girl that now allows herself to be inconvenienced for the sake of others. Because it changes things.
It changes a lot. Putting yourself aside for the sake of someone else
doesn't just bless others, it directly points to Jesus Christ, who did
that in the most perfect, unimaginable way.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
ONE HANDWRITTEN PAGE
This afternoon, as I was going through all the stuff I have in boxes from my apartment, I stumbled upon a journal of prayers and ramblings from this past school year. It didn't take long before I was blown away by the prayers God has answered in a years time. Sentence after sentence of my heart spilling I shook my head in disbelief. God heard it all. The innermost prayers of my heart, my closest and deepest desires for others, He answered. He answered them through circumstances, people, through programs and jobs and through miracles and divine appointments. Jesus was there. He was there through this year, when I felt Him so near and when I didn't feel Him at all.
Sometimes it takes something like that. A journal, an old note to myself, an old blog post or prayer list, for me to realize that, indeed, things have changed. God has changed things. God has done things, moved things around, shifted things up a bit. God is not static, and sometimes it takes a reminder like those to realize that.
However, the story shifts here.
Then I got to this one page.
The page of affirmations. Ironically, it brought both the biggest smiles and it brought out some deeply hidden hurts. Views and thoughts and beliefs I really did think were true about people, that were eventually just shattered to pieces. All lies. A page filled with lies I held as truths. I wanted to rip it out because I know it will somehow burn me every time I go back in that book. A book of goodness, that had but one page of lies. I wanted to scream. But ironically, the only person I really wanted to scream at was myself.
This page was rough.
I struggled reading it because more then anything else, I know that I used to set myself up to get hurt by others. In many ways, I set myself up to get hurt by 'me' too. In months since that realization, things have changed in my heart and in my life leaps and bounds. But then, I was filled with lies. Satan's playground was my head and my perspective on myself. I wasn't enough. The best version of me wasn't good enough, and reading that page was a reminder that while somebody else viewed me that way, I viewed myself that way too. I don't know which felt worse.
I didn't guard and protect my heart or my feelings, at all. Not in this friendship. Not in past friendships or relationships. Not really, ever. I didn't know how to. My mindset was so skewed and so confused that I didn't even see it as 'off' or wrong, at all. To me, my heart and my feelings weren't worthy of much at all.
You see, I used to put myself in a box. A box that kept me hidden from who I could be. I was this girl that never believed I was 'good' at much of anything. The box disguised my inner-most thoughts and perceptions about myself. It was a box filled with lots of clothes and makeup and hair dye and nail polish, but the box still kept me in. Unable to change, unable to grow, unable to realize how truly wrong I was. In my head, I wasn't good enough, and no ones affirmations could change that. My thoughts stuck in my head like superglue, others thoughts faded quickly. I didn't view myself as deserving of strong friendships, as worthy of a relationship in which I was actually good enough for someone. To put it simply, no matter who I pinned myself up against to compare the best version of me to, they always won. No matter who they were, I was inferior. Always.
Who knew that a note that was so short, a hearts ramblings that were so easy to write and speak, could have a backlash this great and depth this far down.
While I wanted to rip this page out from my journal and forget it ever existed, it makes even more sense for me to leave it.
I am good enough.
My perception of myself changed
once my heart found comfort
in my lack of ability and power
and God's overabundance of it.
I may not be worthy
of the gracious gifts God grants me,
but I am worthy of good things.
I am a daughter of the King.
Sometimes it takes something like that. A journal, an old note to myself, an old blog post or prayer list, for me to realize that, indeed, things have changed. God has changed things. God has done things, moved things around, shifted things up a bit. God is not static, and sometimes it takes a reminder like those to realize that.
However, the story shifts here.
Then I got to this one page.
The page of affirmations. Ironically, it brought both the biggest smiles and it brought out some deeply hidden hurts. Views and thoughts and beliefs I really did think were true about people, that were eventually just shattered to pieces. All lies. A page filled with lies I held as truths. I wanted to rip it out because I know it will somehow burn me every time I go back in that book. A book of goodness, that had but one page of lies. I wanted to scream. But ironically, the only person I really wanted to scream at was myself.
This page was rough.
I struggled reading it because more then anything else, I know that I used to set myself up to get hurt by others. In many ways, I set myself up to get hurt by 'me' too. In months since that realization, things have changed in my heart and in my life leaps and bounds. But then, I was filled with lies. Satan's playground was my head and my perspective on myself. I wasn't enough. The best version of me wasn't good enough, and reading that page was a reminder that while somebody else viewed me that way, I viewed myself that way too. I don't know which felt worse.
I didn't guard and protect my heart or my feelings, at all. Not in this friendship. Not in past friendships or relationships. Not really, ever. I didn't know how to. My mindset was so skewed and so confused that I didn't even see it as 'off' or wrong, at all. To me, my heart and my feelings weren't worthy of much at all.
You see, I used to put myself in a box. A box that kept me hidden from who I could be. I was this girl that never believed I was 'good' at much of anything. The box disguised my inner-most thoughts and perceptions about myself. It was a box filled with lots of clothes and makeup and hair dye and nail polish, but the box still kept me in. Unable to change, unable to grow, unable to realize how truly wrong I was. In my head, I wasn't good enough, and no ones affirmations could change that. My thoughts stuck in my head like superglue, others thoughts faded quickly. I didn't view myself as deserving of strong friendships, as worthy of a relationship in which I was actually good enough for someone. To put it simply, no matter who I pinned myself up against to compare the best version of me to, they always won. No matter who they were, I was inferior. Always.
Who knew that a note that was so short, a hearts ramblings that were so easy to write and speak, could have a backlash this great and depth this far down.
While I wanted to rip this page out from my journal and forget it ever existed, it makes even more sense for me to leave it.
I am good enough.
My perception of myself changed
once my heart found comfort
in my lack of ability and power
and God's overabundance of it.
I may not be worthy
of the gracious gifts God grants me,
but I am worthy of good things.
I am a daughter of the King.
Take that, you page in my journal.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
THIS JESUS WE FORGET ABOUT
"I want to be like Jesus."
Sounds familiar. As in, everyone is saying it. And in all honesty, everyone may be having good intentions and 'meaning it' when they say it.
But what does that even mean? Probably not what we are intending when we say it. How often does "I want to be like Jesus" translate in the average Christian's mind to "I want to be loving and compassionate, I want to be sacrificial and selfless, I want to care for the poor and weak and needy, I want to live fearlessly, I want to make a difference in others' lives and in the world, I want to make my life stand for something that will remain constant even past when my life ends"? All the time.
We look at the ministry of Jesus and point to those few years when we say that line. We look at the Jesus that others loved and point to that when we say that line. We forget a lot about Jesus though, we leave a lot out when are desiring for our lives to be Christ-like.
It sounds good, right? And it will get a lot of Christians to nod their heads in agreement, for sure. It makes sense... until you think about it.
We leave out the Jesus that was chased to a cliff by a mob of people that wanted to kill Him because what He said was unheard of. We leave out the Jesus that was persecuted, beaten, ridiculed, hated, and suffered the death of sinners. We leave out the Jesus that others didn't understand. We leave out the Jesus that left all comfort. We leave out that Jesus was homeless. We leave out the fact that some of the lives He impacted and made a difference in were the same lives that spit in His face and turned their backs on Him. We leave out the Jesus that spend thirty years doing mundane things that although made up 90% of his life, were barely even documented in the book we get to know Him through. We leave out the Jesus that sought the heart of God relentlessly, prayed without ceasing and demanded God's Will for His life, no matter how bad it sucked.
We want the good parts of Jesus' life, and we just want to forget the hard stuff ever happened. Or at least, we want to just leave the hard stuff for Him to handle and keep the goods stuff for ourselves.
The question is, if we were alive when Jesus came to Earth, would we have wanted the life He lived? We say we want to be like Jesus. But do we? We want Heaven but not the hardship. We want a good reputation but forget that Jesus didn't have one. We want to be on the winning team but aren't willing to train and get to know the captain before we are picked for it.
Sounds familiar. As in, everyone is saying it. And in all honesty, everyone may be having good intentions and 'meaning it' when they say it.
But what does that even mean? Probably not what we are intending when we say it. How often does "I want to be like Jesus" translate in the average Christian's mind to "I want to be loving and compassionate, I want to be sacrificial and selfless, I want to care for the poor and weak and needy, I want to live fearlessly, I want to make a difference in others' lives and in the world, I want to make my life stand for something that will remain constant even past when my life ends"? All the time.
We look at the ministry of Jesus and point to those few years when we say that line. We look at the Jesus that others loved and point to that when we say that line. We forget a lot about Jesus though, we leave a lot out when are desiring for our lives to be Christ-like.
It sounds good, right? And it will get a lot of Christians to nod their heads in agreement, for sure. It makes sense... until you think about it.
We leave out the Jesus that was chased to a cliff by a mob of people that wanted to kill Him because what He said was unheard of. We leave out the Jesus that was persecuted, beaten, ridiculed, hated, and suffered the death of sinners. We leave out the Jesus that others didn't understand. We leave out the Jesus that left all comfort. We leave out that Jesus was homeless. We leave out the fact that some of the lives He impacted and made a difference in were the same lives that spit in His face and turned their backs on Him. We leave out the Jesus that spend thirty years doing mundane things that although made up 90% of his life, were barely even documented in the book we get to know Him through. We leave out the Jesus that sought the heart of God relentlessly, prayed without ceasing and demanded God's Will for His life, no matter how bad it sucked.
We want the good parts of Jesus' life, and we just want to forget the hard stuff ever happened. Or at least, we want to just leave the hard stuff for Him to handle and keep the goods stuff for ourselves.
The question is, if we were alive when Jesus came to Earth, would we have wanted the life He lived? We say we want to be like Jesus. But do we? We want Heaven but not the hardship. We want a good reputation but forget that Jesus didn't have one. We want to be on the winning team but aren't willing to train and get to know the captain before we are picked for it.
Monday, November 26, 2012
THE INCLINE + THE DESERT
An affirmation to say every day:
The healing power of God is working in my right now.
Every day I get better and better in every way.
-Joyce Meyer
Five days of rest at home is the best thing for my soul that could have ever been given to me. I know that in every way possible it was from the Lord. He knew I needed it. I literally came back to school a new person, actually an old person, the 'me' I used to be a few months ago after I got back from an incredible summer of ministry at a summer camp. I was as close and intimate with the Lord as I have ever been because I relied on Him daily, for all of my strength and encouragement and substance. He was it for me. He was all I needed and He came through every single day. After the first week of summer camp being some of the roughest moments of my life, Jesus plucked me out of the desert and put me on the quickest incline... I was back to being close with Jesus again in no time.
I should have known God would do it again. Over and over again. The desert season will end and thankfully, there will be beauty in the desert that will indeed be revealed in time.
After summer camp, I came home and fell into the routine of life, had a few close encounters with the Lord, but feeling God's presence wasn't constant like I know it can and should be. For around four months it was a trying period, it felt like I was walking in a desert and couldn't find the water. I couldn't have what I needed, and that was all of Jesus not just a sampler plate of what He 'offers' us.
Jesus should be my portion, He is exactly what I need to sustain me. But the problem was, I was so distracted and consumed with trying to fulfill a to-do list, with trying to give grace to people without getting anything in return, with trying to be Jesus without allowing Jesus to work through me. I wasn't allowing Jesus to be my portion, but instead I was filling my life with a bunch of junk instead of filling myself with the real, sustaining, pure thing. I realized how essential it is that we allow Jesus to work through us, if we try and do it on our own it is the most draining, tiring thing on the planet.
Today, the reality is, I should have been stressed. I should have. But by the grace of Jesus, not even the slightest amount of stress filled my body or my soul. Today I was at peace, things rolled off my shoulders and didn't phase me, life was beautiful, the world made me smile, and Jesus was my constant companion. Jesus didn't feel like daddy today though, He didn't feel like some 'husband' or friend or homeboy. Jesus was KING, He was GOD. I feel blessed and undeserving to merely live out His Word on this Earth. I am a servant to the greatest servant that ever lived.
Life was handed to me as a gift, I am starting to actually, really and truly view it as one. Gifts don't stress you out, they bless you and fill you up and are the very thing you want and hopefully, need.
The good news is, I am out of the rut I was stuck in. I am on a beautiful incline, filled with hope and truth and a lot of Scripture to remind me that where I am at is good, but also temporary. I am relying on Jesus to bring me back to the place I know. The place of downright pure joy and fervor for life. I'm getting there. I feel it. (But when I get back to the desert, at least I'll know that is temporary too.)
The desert is a necessity, it is only through the struggles that you can know how good joy is and how good it is when you finally have it in your hands again.
The more obstacles you have, the more opportunities there are for God to do something.
-Clarence W. Jones
The healing power of God is working in my right now.
Every day I get better and better in every way.
-Joyce Meyer
Five days of rest at home is the best thing for my soul that could have ever been given to me. I know that in every way possible it was from the Lord. He knew I needed it. I literally came back to school a new person, actually an old person, the 'me' I used to be a few months ago after I got back from an incredible summer of ministry at a summer camp. I was as close and intimate with the Lord as I have ever been because I relied on Him daily, for all of my strength and encouragement and substance. He was it for me. He was all I needed and He came through every single day. After the first week of summer camp being some of the roughest moments of my life, Jesus plucked me out of the desert and put me on the quickest incline... I was back to being close with Jesus again in no time.
I should have known God would do it again. Over and over again. The desert season will end and thankfully, there will be beauty in the desert that will indeed be revealed in time.
After summer camp, I came home and fell into the routine of life, had a few close encounters with the Lord, but feeling God's presence wasn't constant like I know it can and should be. For around four months it was a trying period, it felt like I was walking in a desert and couldn't find the water. I couldn't have what I needed, and that was all of Jesus not just a sampler plate of what He 'offers' us.
Jesus should be my portion, He is exactly what I need to sustain me. But the problem was, I was so distracted and consumed with trying to fulfill a to-do list, with trying to give grace to people without getting anything in return, with trying to be Jesus without allowing Jesus to work through me. I wasn't allowing Jesus to be my portion, but instead I was filling my life with a bunch of junk instead of filling myself with the real, sustaining, pure thing. I realized how essential it is that we allow Jesus to work through us, if we try and do it on our own it is the most draining, tiring thing on the planet.
Today, the reality is, I should have been stressed. I should have. But by the grace of Jesus, not even the slightest amount of stress filled my body or my soul. Today I was at peace, things rolled off my shoulders and didn't phase me, life was beautiful, the world made me smile, and Jesus was my constant companion. Jesus didn't feel like daddy today though, He didn't feel like some 'husband' or friend or homeboy. Jesus was KING, He was GOD. I feel blessed and undeserving to merely live out His Word on this Earth. I am a servant to the greatest servant that ever lived.
Life was handed to me as a gift, I am starting to actually, really and truly view it as one. Gifts don't stress you out, they bless you and fill you up and are the very thing you want and hopefully, need.
The good news is, I am out of the rut I was stuck in. I am on a beautiful incline, filled with hope and truth and a lot of Scripture to remind me that where I am at is good, but also temporary. I am relying on Jesus to bring me back to the place I know. The place of downright pure joy and fervor for life. I'm getting there. I feel it. (But when I get back to the desert, at least I'll know that is temporary too.)
The desert is a necessity, it is only through the struggles that you can know how good joy is and how good it is when you finally have it in your hands again.
The more obstacles you have, the more opportunities there are for God to do something.
-Clarence W. Jones
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A DECLARATION
I am happy.
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
Saturday, November 17, 2012
BLAH + BLAND
Interim
[noun] the intervening time
[adjective] in or for the intervening period; provisional or temporary
synonym- continual, permanent
Before I became a Christian, the only reason I would hear someone use the term "season" would be referring to winter, summer, fall, or spring. The Christian church expands on its other meaning perhaps infinitely more then the average non-churchgoer. A "season" being a period of time marked by some event or person or feeling or substantial change or occurrence in life.
The problem with this is sometimes there are really great seasons, sometimes there are extremely rough ones, but then lastly, the worst kind I usually see as being the ones right in between. The transitional seasons, the ones bridging the gap between two huge life experiences. The ones that occur when life is blah and bland and there isn't a whole ton of things to be crazy passionate about. The ones that your passion maybe even seems to be ripped from right out of your hands in. The ones where the days you feel "eh" outweigh the days you feel phenomenal. The ones where you know you have a whole slew of people you could go to, but at the end of the day you weirdly feel like you have a lot less then you thought. The ones where you are waiting for something crazy exciting to happen to make all the "blah" fade and pass away.
However, I think this philosophy I had constructed for so long kind of fell out from under itself lately as I realized how I had it all wrong. I had this view of life being SO up and down (and truth be told it feels like that) but trying to look at it beyond just my own self, God is constantly preparing us for something bigger and better. It is not just up and down of bad season after good season after a bland "eh" season. It is not unintentionally planned out and handed to you by God. He's too good for that.
I see it now (as cliche as it is) as a constant uphill walk. It feels harder, but you get stronger and you get rewarded more and more the harder and longer you push yourself. And how often does God graciously sprinkle goodness and blessings along the way? All the time. Sometimes you want to give up, but in some seasons it is so good you know you can truly push through anything. The power in each period of your life is it maybe doesn't always make sense when you are living it, but it makes sense after you've lived it. You are being prepped for something magnificent, you just have to endure a few stumbling blocks in the road to get you there. The interim periods of feeling "blah" and feeling "eh" are powerful because it is in the moments you feel not entirely yourself, the moments where you feel you've lost your zest and your fervor for life, it is in the moments that nothing bad is happening but nothing crazy great is happening either, that you can truly rely on God in a way that those other seasons (however horrible or however great) you just don't experience Him the same in. When things are great you praise Him and thank Him and live out of gratitude and grace. When life is hard you beg Him and seek Him harder and live out of humbleness and security in Him. But when life is feeling rather blah, mundane, purposeless, and you wake up feeling not yourself... you do all of that. You praise Him because He is still good and still on His throne, you thank Him because you know hardships and this surely isn't the worst of them, you live out of gratitude and grace because you know it surely could be a lot worse then it is, you beg Him because you just want life to be insanely beautiful and full of purpose again, you seek Him harder because you are feeling the distance and you know it's not His fault, and you live out of humbleness and security in Him because you know that He has it all figured out, even when you don't.
"Everything is interim. Every season that I thought was stable and would be just how it was for a long time ended up being a preparation or a path to the next thing. When you decide to be on this journey with God, everything is interim" -Shauna Niequist
How beautiful is it that she views everything as being interim? As everything needing us to seek Christ with all of our being and our desire. She views life as a constant 'temporary'. What is permanent is above, so we have to choose as believers in Jesus to be okay with the temporary seasons for now.
Nothing is guaranteed, and that's okay.
[noun] the intervening time
[adjective] in or for the intervening period; provisional or temporary
synonym- continual, permanent
Before I became a Christian, the only reason I would hear someone use the term "season" would be referring to winter, summer, fall, or spring. The Christian church expands on its other meaning perhaps infinitely more then the average non-churchgoer. A "season" being a period of time marked by some event or person or feeling or substantial change or occurrence in life.
The problem with this is sometimes there are really great seasons, sometimes there are extremely rough ones, but then lastly, the worst kind I usually see as being the ones right in between. The transitional seasons, the ones bridging the gap between two huge life experiences. The ones that occur when life is blah and bland and there isn't a whole ton of things to be crazy passionate about. The ones that your passion maybe even seems to be ripped from right out of your hands in. The ones where the days you feel "eh" outweigh the days you feel phenomenal. The ones where you know you have a whole slew of people you could go to, but at the end of the day you weirdly feel like you have a lot less then you thought. The ones where you are waiting for something crazy exciting to happen to make all the "blah" fade and pass away.
However, I think this philosophy I had constructed for so long kind of fell out from under itself lately as I realized how I had it all wrong. I had this view of life being SO up and down (and truth be told it feels like that) but trying to look at it beyond just my own self, God is constantly preparing us for something bigger and better. It is not just up and down of bad season after good season after a bland "eh" season. It is not unintentionally planned out and handed to you by God. He's too good for that.
I see it now (as cliche as it is) as a constant uphill walk. It feels harder, but you get stronger and you get rewarded more and more the harder and longer you push yourself. And how often does God graciously sprinkle goodness and blessings along the way? All the time. Sometimes you want to give up, but in some seasons it is so good you know you can truly push through anything. The power in each period of your life is it maybe doesn't always make sense when you are living it, but it makes sense after you've lived it. You are being prepped for something magnificent, you just have to endure a few stumbling blocks in the road to get you there. The interim periods of feeling "blah" and feeling "eh" are powerful because it is in the moments you feel not entirely yourself, the moments where you feel you've lost your zest and your fervor for life, it is in the moments that nothing bad is happening but nothing crazy great is happening either, that you can truly rely on God in a way that those other seasons (however horrible or however great) you just don't experience Him the same in. When things are great you praise Him and thank Him and live out of gratitude and grace. When life is hard you beg Him and seek Him harder and live out of humbleness and security in Him. But when life is feeling rather blah, mundane, purposeless, and you wake up feeling not yourself... you do all of that. You praise Him because He is still good and still on His throne, you thank Him because you know hardships and this surely isn't the worst of them, you live out of gratitude and grace because you know it surely could be a lot worse then it is, you beg Him because you just want life to be insanely beautiful and full of purpose again, you seek Him harder because you are feeling the distance and you know it's not His fault, and you live out of humbleness and security in Him because you know that He has it all figured out, even when you don't.
"Everything is interim. Every season that I thought was stable and would be just how it was for a long time ended up being a preparation or a path to the next thing. When you decide to be on this journey with God, everything is interim" -Shauna Niequist
How beautiful is it that she views everything as being interim? As everything needing us to seek Christ with all of our being and our desire. She views life as a constant 'temporary'. What is permanent is above, so we have to choose as believers in Jesus to be okay with the temporary seasons for now.
Nothing is guaranteed, and that's okay.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
CHOOSING, LEAVING + LACKING
I am choosing forgiveness and grace even when I feel like I have no more of that left to give.
I am choosing to let Christ carry the burden I have tried to carry for so long.
I am choosing to believe the Word when it says that it is a bigger blessing to be single, then it is to be in a relationship. What a blessing that I get to seek and pursue Christ and Christ alone. He is the one whom my heart desires to make happy.
I am choosing to be okay with things not making sense, with lacking answers, clarity, and understanding.
I am choosing to spend ample time with Jesus and to actually spend time doing things that make me happy; foreign concept huh? We so often view the Christian walk as doing things for other people all day long. While it is great in theory, Jesus often spent time in solitude with His father, He spent time doing what He knew He needed to fill Himself up again when the world drained Him.
I am choosing to push myself to do bigger things that I once never thought I could do.
I am choosing to believe in myself and believe that I am worth something.
I am choosing to believe that I was put on this Earth to bring into existence a plan and purpose that no one except myself could do. (Woah). I am believing that my life was not a coincidence or mistake and that I am enough. Even if I am not enough for people at times, I am enough for my Heavenly Father.
I am choosing to move forward (even when I don't want to) and press on (even when I don't feel like I can).
I am choosing to believe in God's big, perfect plan, and pursue joy and peace even when it does not seem obtainable.
I am choosing, in short, to trust God.
I am also choosing to be exactly where I am at.
I am choosing to be weak when I need to be weak and to praise God for weakness (if I had it all together, I wouldn't have to wake up every morning and trust God to get me through the day).
Also, I am choosing to praise God the days I feel truly strong and full of the fruits of the Spirit (it is those days I really see God's power at work, I am only strong through Him. I can do nothing in it of my own strength).
I am choosing to not pretend or fake it. I am choosing to be who I am because at the end of the day, God's opinion is what matters. As clique as that is. It is true.
This is where I'm at.
This is not a declaration that I have it all together or am currently succeeding at these things.
This is a declaration that I am simply trying.
Friday, October 26, 2012
AM I DESERVING
I often find myself looking at what I don't have instead of what I do have. Especially recently. You get given something, then it is taken away and you are left with the lie that you somehow 'deserved' that blessing and don't deserve for it to be taken away. Once things are given to us in life, things we really want, we cling onto them and don't allow our hands to let go.
Deserving things is a far fetched lie. A lie I often buy into. Whoever said we deserve squat is severely deceived. Every single thing on Earth is a thing we never deserved in the first place.
The second my mind swaps its natural way of thinking and starts viewing blessings just as they are, undeserved blessings. That is the second my whole perspective on my life changes.
Loss and pain and hurt lead way to us falling into ruts of uncertainty, doubt, confusion, and bitterness. But those emotions fall fast when we realize the fullness and goodness that often eventually comes from hardships and trials. We don't deserve a life that is easy and lacking loss and heartbreak and let downs. Actually, I think often the life we get is a whole lot more full and filled then we ever earned.
If we want to compare ourself against the deserving, Jesus was deserving. And He did not receive even a small ounce of what He should have.
Jesus gives us inherently more then we could ever deserve, ask for, need, or earn.
Deserving things is a far fetched lie. A lie I often buy into. Whoever said we deserve squat is severely deceived. Every single thing on Earth is a thing we never deserved in the first place.
The second my mind swaps its natural way of thinking and starts viewing blessings just as they are, undeserved blessings. That is the second my whole perspective on my life changes.
Loss and pain and hurt lead way to us falling into ruts of uncertainty, doubt, confusion, and bitterness. But those emotions fall fast when we realize the fullness and goodness that often eventually comes from hardships and trials. We don't deserve a life that is easy and lacking loss and heartbreak and let downs. Actually, I think often the life we get is a whole lot more full and filled then we ever earned.
If we want to compare ourself against the deserving, Jesus was deserving. And He did not receive even a small ounce of what He should have.
Jesus gives us inherently more then we could ever deserve, ask for, need, or earn.
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