FOOLISHNESS + FREEDOM

The other day as I was reading I stumbled on something that sparked my interest. A Hebrew word for praise, "halal." While in some cases it means to shine or to celebrate, it also often means "clamorously foolish."

Hm.

Clamorously foolish?
Worship?

Of course, clamorously at first just sounded like a cool word and meant nothing to me, so I looked up that word for more context. I came across the definition of "insistently demanding attention" or "marked by loud outcry."

In other words: a Hebrew word for 'praise' and 'worship,' halal, means a kind of foolishness that demands attention, that is very apparently loud and seemingly intensely passionate. If that word were to be put in human form I could bet that person would not be hiding in the background, they would not be steering clear from making decisions that others would mark as crazy, it would not mean a fearful life that attempts to always avoid opposition, it would not mean holding back, living in comfort and safety, or living in some self-constructed bubble.

Clamorously foolish means praising God. It means worshiping our creator.

Clamorously foolish means doing things for His Kingdom that don't make sense to some people, doing things that may mark you as crazy in some people's eyes but brilliantly obedient and healthily crazy in God's. It means being fearless, being free from restraint and self-doubt. It means singing louder, worshiping freer, risking more, trusting more, living more. It means being one of those rare people that doesn't revolve their life around pleasing everybody else. It means revolving your life around praising God and pleasing Him.

I could take a lesson in living out halal.

A TIGHT GRIP + UNOBTAINABLE FREEDOM

Holding too tightly.

The common theme between every single person woven into the story of the Bible is that no one did that. They may have had ordinary jobs, they may have dropped everything in a second to follow Jesus or it may have taken a while, but the only thing that holds to be true is that, in the Bible, following Jesus was not synonymous with clinging to your life. Actually, those two roads should never diverge at all. No one clung, we are told not to cling, no one held on, we are told to trust, no one was fearful of letting go, we fear like it's going out of style.

Whether that be of jobs or your ideal plan in life, whether that be of the future or of the present, whether that be in relationships or friendships... they didn't cling to any of that.

Why do I find that I so often cling on? And when I ask questions around, seek others hearts, pursue answers and perspective from others, I find that everyone around me is just clinging on too.

Relationships that last longer then they should, that may even lead to the alter, because someone is fearful of letting go of something because it screws up their life plan, it may hurt someone, it may make them look bad. Friendships that people try and sustain forever, even when it is producing no fruit, dragging down life instead of building them up. Even when something should end, people try and make it work just because they are fearful. Jobs that people stay in because it had a good wage, it's comfortable and pleases those around them, even though it's not where their heart is at, those people stick around because they just can't let go of their tight grip. People cling onto their list of qualities in a spouse so tightly that even when a guy that's perfect for them comes along, they are too busy thinking of some unobtainable list instead of whats real.

We are too busy clinging on, trying to make a life for ourselves, instead of letting God make a life for us. We are too busy filling our hands with stuff, gripping our hands to fleeting, invisible things, that we never have them available to what God has.

Our hands are clung to something else. Our hearts are fearful, discontent, lacking trust in every way.  And we wonder why often, freedom is the hardest thing to grasp.

Freedom is resting in the peace of mind that when you need to follow God and let go, you can do it. When you need to follow God and drop a job, you can do it. When God says no, you can trust that He is really just saying yes to something far greater (sounds cliche, but it's true, I promise.) When a friendship ends, you are given room to invest in others that you mutually need in that season.

The minute my life is enveloped in fear of change and letting go, fear of displeasing someone because I am following God, fear of this or that... is the minute I lose the ability to have freedom in Christ.

Christ set an example for us that we can be content not having worldly things, we can be content in following God's yes' and no's. We can be content with HIM. Knowing that He's got us.

Freedom is right on the other side of clinging on with the tightest grip to anything and everything we fear losing or changing or giving up. Freedom is right around that corner.

MY HEART + FEARS SPILLED OUT

I fear heights and the top of tall buildings and the end of my comfort zone.
I fear disappointing other people but I fear disappointing myself unequivocally more.
I fear an 'unlived' life, an unfulfilled life, a normal life, a boring life.
I fear in ten years being well off on my own, but sitting at home wanting something more.
I fear that my life will turn into the American Dream but not my own dream.
I fear that my biggest problems will be first world problems.
I fear that my biggest, fullest dreams will eventually turn into 'unrealistic' dreams.
I fear that I will get all the desires I could ever want in things, but I won't ever get my hearts desires.
I fear that I will lead my own life, instead of be led by God.
I fear that my choices will be defined by my comforts.
I fear that my decisions will be marked by what the people around me what me to do.
I fear that the Holy Spirit will be neglected because of the big (and scary) things it tells me.
I fear that Jesus' plan for me isn't what my parents would approve of.
I fear that following Jesus will make me look like a crazy person.
I fear that I won't want to look crazy so I will settle for a whole lot less then a radical life for Jesus.
I fear that money will hold more value in my life then I want it to.
I fear that possessions will define me more then my faith.
I fear that singleness will cause me to be impatient instead of trust God more fully.
I fear that at the end of my life I will wish I did things differently.
I fear that the experiences I turned down or were afraid of will turn into regrets.
I fear that I will do the 'logical' thing more then the thing that I feel led to do.
I fear that I will stand in front of Jesus and wish I had something more to show for my life.

More then anything though, I fear that fear will consume my life, be the basis for my decisions, and envelop my heart until I end up living a life that I have never desired to live... and have never been called by God to live either.

A WRECK, A LOG, + A REVELATION

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

This past summer, much to my surprise, I ended up doing a ropes course.

Anyone that knows anything about me, knows that heights are a crippling fear of mine. As in, you don't want to see me when I am faced with that fear and you better hope I'm not wearing makeup because it'll be ruined. My body turns into an anxious mess and my flesh overrides any optimism or confidence and simply destroys any positivity or joy I have.

I did not plan on doing anything on the ropes course in the beginning. But I also didn't want to look like a fool. I wanted to get something out of the day and I knew I wouldn't unless I put myself out there and faced my biggest fear. While all my friends did the huge, crazy ropes courses, my goal of the day was to finish just one portion of the course... but that thought alone tormented me. It took me probably over an hour to get up the nerve to even begin the course. But the second I got a couple feet off the air and began the course I was a mess. Like, I'm talking... a mess. You would have thought someone died. I could not stop the tears and my heart was going a hundred miles an hour.

I never willingly succumb myself to anything to do with heights. I was confused in that moment on why I chose to do something that scared the bajeebees out of me.

Once I climbed to the point I needed to, I got on the log and faced the challenge. The goal was to walk across the log without anything to hold onto except the rope you were connected to for safety. As my friends were below me cheering me on, I still could not control my emotions. I was embarrassed, clearly, but in that moment I truly didn't think I could do it. There was no way. My body was compulsively shaking, my mind was telling me to get down, and that left zero room for the Holy Spirit to give me any sort of confidence at all. Fear surrounded me, engulfed me, filled my thoughts, and controlled me.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

If I ever need a reminder of how crappy fear feels and how much it can control us, I go back to that moment.

It took me a while. Who knows how long I was up there. But eventually, I closed my eyes and just prayed. Then I wiped my tears, calmed myself down as much as I could, and walked across. Slow and steady, reminding myself of the truths in the Gospel. It was like I flipped a switch, and everything had changed. It was miraculous. I silenced the fear, silenced Satan, and tuned my ears only to hear the Holy Spirit. The only thing I remember telling myself was 'Jesus believes in you.' I told myself Jesus believed in me so many times as I was walking I began to actually believe in myself as well.

Once I got down my friends said how astonishing it was the second my mindset changed from listening to lies to listening to truth. My whole demeanor changed entirely.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

In the end, I did the course again. Crazy I know. The second time was much quicker and the second time I actually felt brave. Instead of telling myself of how Jesus believed in me though I replaced it with me whispering confident proclamations about myself. 'You got this', 'you're brave', 'I believe in you.' It was one of the best full-circle moments I've had in my life. I may not have succeeded in the worlds standards the first time, but I think (I hope, I pray) I made God smile.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

Today, I was listening to the song Pursuit by Jesus Culture when this lyric just clicked. I've heard this song a million times, I play it on repeat almost daily, but never have I had it blow my mind like it did. If any line can encompass this past year of my life, it's this one. I have faced fears that clearly engulfed me, desires of my heart I didn't realize were so strong, and faults and failures that Jesus has refined and changed in incredible ways. I see this year as a year of complete transformation, in more ways then I think I even realize right now.

I let go of things that defined me in ways I didn't want to be defined. I allowed myself vulnerability, I allowed myself to mess up and to even, to a certain extent, regret things. I allowed myself space to learn and grow and love and lose and surrender. I listened and put myself in others shoes. I forgave when it didn't make sense and moved forward when that seemed to be the only option. I let go of my own plans and I embraced the plans God has for me, even though much of it (if not all of it) remains a mystery to me still. I led and I allowed others to lead me. I pursued my dreams and I let go of some of them. I listened to the hardest life stories and testimonies I've ever heard and I reflected a lot on who I am and who I want to be. I served until I was run dry and then I relied on God to keep serving even more. I did a lot of things I never planned to and I was humbled daily to be used by God despite all my imperfections.

This year I became less and less, Jesus became more and more, and in that, I am becoming more and more of who I was created to be.

This year I am proud of who I am. I am thankful that at the end of the day I have Christ always to fall back on and I am thankful that at the end of the day, I have myself too. I believe that Christ is refining me and molding me and for that, I have confidence. I know that His work in me is not yet completed and it will be perfected in the end. I am the most joyful girl to know that this next year I will be better and stronger (and yet weaker) because of how God will work in my life.

I remember being on that log high up in the air, facing my biggest fear and realizing that in the end, it wasn't even that scary. No matter what this next year throws at me, I am assured and confident that it won't even be that scary in the end. No matter what I face, Jesus faces it next to me, He was on that log up in the air whispering truths into my ear after all. In the Holy Spirit I indeed have confidence.

Here's to 2013.