Well, I haven't managed to update this blog for a while. Which usually means one of two things: either I am uninspired and run dry (or) my life is outpouring with goodness and grace, convictions and stirrings, to the point where I can't even jot them down fast enough. Luckily, its the latter. My journal is being filled at a ridiculous pace and my time with the Lord is so, so good.
Next week I move back to school early for a position I will be stepping into for this next school year. It is crazy to me how fast this summer has flown by. It has been the weirdest summer yet, that's for sure, definitely not at all what I expected or would have planned out for myself. Yet, in every way it has been perfect. It was what I needed, and I guess what you need isn't always what you originally want, right?
+ I have realized that my life is always overflowing with blessings and grace, it's just a matter of keeping my eyes fixed on the Lord so I am constantly reminded of that. I am thankful for where I am at with the Lord, where my heart stands firm in the goodness of this life, instead of fixating itself on hurts or trials or lies or fears. God is constantly renewing and refreshing my mind and praise the Lord for constant growth and intimacy with Him. Daily I am pressing on to receive and give out this joy that isn't dependent on anything except the Lord. Joy that doesn't fade and doesn't waver. It's a beautiful thing.
+ I have attempted to further grasp the fact that Jesus is KING and that He is enough for me. And I am His daughter, His creation. My existence was formed by the very hands that created the world and the masterpiece of the universe that surrounds me. While I often sit marveled at the beauty of the world, God sits marveled at his children. And I am one of them. Woah. This realization comes often, some times stronger then others, but it doesn't fail to leave me on my knees in awe of my Jesus.
+ I have learned that love is a choice, not a feeling. I always hear that saying, but this summer God really showed me that. Also, grace doesn't make sense. That's why it's grace. If it was earned or deserved it would have another name. To give grace is to give something someone doesn't deserve, and it's HARD, but I am seeing how every time we give grace out our heart becomes more like Jesus, who gives endless grace to us. Those two lessons God has taught me a lot on.
+ I have seen the power of prayer. Point blank. I have never been so tied to Jesus through prayer as I have been the past few months, and it has been beautiful. Hearing from the Lord, not just talking to Him, has been transformational. And the only thing that has separated this summer from my normal life was that I had a plethora of time on my hands and my life wasn't swamped with busyness. This taught me that having a full schedule can be a curse indeed, if we forget the time that we need to spend with Jesus daily. Prayer, worship, time in the Word, and serving cannot transform us if we don't devote ourselves to it.
+ I have consistently longed for and solely been satisfied in the Word. God has reminded me that He is enough. The Word has been nourishment and guidance, in the most needed of ways. I can't even explain in words how many times the Word says the very thing I need to hear. I am so thankful for a God that gives me the gift of the Holy Spirit, His presence and the ability to communicate with Him, a God who gifts me with His ears and His smile, and a God who gifts me with Jesus and the Word of God. I hope I never forget that God gives better gifts then I could ever dream up.
God is just so good to me. Always. I am blown away at this never ending list that continues to expand of what God has taught me just merely being His vessel in my hometown for a few months. At one point I prayed through going back to the place I left my heart in, a whole continent away, and God told me 'not yet.' At one point I prayed through going to work at a summer camp I had always wanted to work at, God said no. It made no sense to deny both those opportunities, but if there is anything I know in life is that God's ways are not mans, and following God is worth it. All of these cool places and unique experiences I could have had this summer, but I someone ended up at home. And it was worth it. Did it make sense to the world? No. Did it make sense to those around me? Not always. But God has purpose beyond my understanding and my grasp, and listening to Him is always worth it.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
THIS MOMENT + THE MOMENT I HAVEN'T GOTTEN YET
I am good at dreaming big. I am good at coming up with extravagant ideas to execute later in life or when God gives me the go-ahead. I am good at planning for down the road. I am good at dreams of changing the world. Those dreams come often and easily. I am good at imagining up my family coming to know Christ. I feel confident in my visions and bigger pictures, bigger hopes. I tend to have BIG, big dreams that the world sometimes laughs at and doesn't 'get.'
I can do all of that.
What I can't seem to do most of the time is the little things in the moments I'm given right now. And the reality is, a person's life is a culmination of their days, not their days that have yet to come.
I don't always know how to make the most of one day, in Simi Valley, in America, when it seems there is so little that can be accomplished and transformed in suburbia. I am not good at dreaming dreams that transform the moments right now.
This seems to mark a frustrating tension. There is so much beauty in impacting and magnifying these moments right now. I forget that the day to day, average life can be just as powerful and God-glorifying then my going out and trying my attempt at changing the nations. And who says that sharing the love of Jesus to someone who has forgotten it or hasn't been reminded of it in a rich city like my hometown, isn't as God-honoring as showing the love of Jesus to a little child in Africa that is sick with HIV? Both point to Jesus. Both point to being used by God where we find ourselves in that moment.
What a privilege that we have grace from God, and that Jesus understands that some days scream KINGDOM COME and some days scream JOY IN THE MUNDANE, and both of those point to Him.
I am laying down the burden that every single day of my life has to be filled with miraculous transformation and visible answered prayers and crazy visions and me trying to be the most perfect version of myself.
Following Jesus day by day, dreaming those big dreams but realizing the power in this moment, right here- I am beginning to see and know that that is enough for Him.
I can do all of that.
What I can't seem to do most of the time is the little things in the moments I'm given right now. And the reality is, a person's life is a culmination of their days, not their days that have yet to come.
I don't always know how to make the most of one day, in Simi Valley, in America, when it seems there is so little that can be accomplished and transformed in suburbia. I am not good at dreaming dreams that transform the moments right now.
This seems to mark a frustrating tension. There is so much beauty in impacting and magnifying these moments right now. I forget that the day to day, average life can be just as powerful and God-glorifying then my going out and trying my attempt at changing the nations. And who says that sharing the love of Jesus to someone who has forgotten it or hasn't been reminded of it in a rich city like my hometown, isn't as God-honoring as showing the love of Jesus to a little child in Africa that is sick with HIV? Both point to Jesus. Both point to being used by God where we find ourselves in that moment.
What a privilege that we have grace from God, and that Jesus understands that some days scream KINGDOM COME and some days scream JOY IN THE MUNDANE, and both of those point to Him.
I am laying down the burden that every single day of my life has to be filled with miraculous transformation and visible answered prayers and crazy visions and me trying to be the most perfect version of myself.
Following Jesus day by day, dreaming those big dreams but realizing the power in this moment, right here- I am beginning to see and know that that is enough for Him.
Monday, June 17, 2013
THE OLD + THE NEW
My summer thus far has been filled with late night Bible studies, solo worship seshes, and diy projects when my creative brain is being stirred at 1am. It has consisted of Illustrator, InDesign and Photoshop constantly being opened on my computer because the design opportunities are being thrown at me (and I am able to say yes to them all). It has been filled with my friends becoming fiance's and my best friend becoming a bride, it has been enriched by nights with my parents eating popcorn and ice cream and watching old movies in the living room of the only childhood home I've ever had. I have made the garage into my favorite spot, spray painting thrifted items and staining things until my hearts content. My room has been a mess consistently because I have favored spontaneous outings with my friends and art over cleanliness (and its a beautiful thing).
My room and many other rooms in my house are invaded by boxes ready for August to hit so they can be opened and moved back into my normal life and routine and home an hour away, at school. But for now, my life here seems purposeful, restful, and beautiful.
This summer has marked the first time, excluding school breaks, that I have been at home long-term since high school. (And we all know how much change goes on during three years of college... a whole freaking truck load of it.) Going into my senior year of college, it seems intentional that this would be the last time I get to truly embrace home before I graduate and begin life physically apart from all that represents my childhood. It has been a soul-searching few weeks. Full of figuring out my callings in life, enjoying my giftings in life, and appreciating all that I have in this home, in this town, and with the people who have known me forever.
As much as there is beauty in the new; there is beauty in new friendships, in change, in new homes and new experiences. I think often, I find myself favoring it over the old. And I am beginning to realize that makes no sense.
There is immense purpose and beauty in the old. In friendships that have endured for more years then you can count on your fingers at once, in the little bedroom that has always been yours as long as you have lived, there is beauty in the neighbors that have seen you go from a child to an adult, there is beauty in spending time on the street you learned to ride a bike on, there is beauty in Sunday mornings at church in the place you were baptized at over five years ago. There is beauty in reuniting with mentors that you haven't seen for ages that dramatically influenced your walk with God, there is beauty in running errands with old friends that can equally embrace silence as they can embrace words.
Sometimes, in some ways, it is easier to throw off your past and embrace all that is good and new that comes into your life. I know that attempt and pursuit well. Strategically avoiding people I used to know at the gym and hiding from old classmates in Target, I know it well, trust me. I like my life, as it is, a new clean-slate without the baggage of rebellious years.
But if we throw off our past and forget the purpose that God wove into it so intentionally, then we leave out a big chunk of the puzzle that God intended for.
Sure, old friendships come with more junk, with more hurt and more struggles but they also come with endurance, they come with a deep understanding of each other that only time can bring you, they come with a solid foundation, they come with a sisterhood and mutual understanding that can't be formed overnight.
Sure, old stomping grounds come with painful memories, they come with old emotions that may come back to haunt you, they come with junk. But they also come with an extraordinary amount of overcoming, they come with joy and happy memories, they come with purpose because you had to go through stuff to get you to where you are at today.
The new will eventually be old, and you can't just throw off everything vintage and rusty and antique in your life because you don't want to deal with it. You can't forget the beauty that comes with the old. Hold onto it. Remember how God used it all for His purpose.
My room and many other rooms in my house are invaded by boxes ready for August to hit so they can be opened and moved back into my normal life and routine and home an hour away, at school. But for now, my life here seems purposeful, restful, and beautiful.
This summer has marked the first time, excluding school breaks, that I have been at home long-term since high school. (And we all know how much change goes on during three years of college... a whole freaking truck load of it.) Going into my senior year of college, it seems intentional that this would be the last time I get to truly embrace home before I graduate and begin life physically apart from all that represents my childhood. It has been a soul-searching few weeks. Full of figuring out my callings in life, enjoying my giftings in life, and appreciating all that I have in this home, in this town, and with the people who have known me forever.
As much as there is beauty in the new; there is beauty in new friendships, in change, in new homes and new experiences. I think often, I find myself favoring it over the old. And I am beginning to realize that makes no sense.
There is immense purpose and beauty in the old. In friendships that have endured for more years then you can count on your fingers at once, in the little bedroom that has always been yours as long as you have lived, there is beauty in the neighbors that have seen you go from a child to an adult, there is beauty in spending time on the street you learned to ride a bike on, there is beauty in Sunday mornings at church in the place you were baptized at over five years ago. There is beauty in reuniting with mentors that you haven't seen for ages that dramatically influenced your walk with God, there is beauty in running errands with old friends that can equally embrace silence as they can embrace words.
Sometimes, in some ways, it is easier to throw off your past and embrace all that is good and new that comes into your life. I know that attempt and pursuit well. Strategically avoiding people I used to know at the gym and hiding from old classmates in Target, I know it well, trust me. I like my life, as it is, a new clean-slate without the baggage of rebellious years.
But if we throw off our past and forget the purpose that God wove into it so intentionally, then we leave out a big chunk of the puzzle that God intended for.
Sure, old friendships come with more junk, with more hurt and more struggles but they also come with endurance, they come with a deep understanding of each other that only time can bring you, they come with a solid foundation, they come with a sisterhood and mutual understanding that can't be formed overnight.
Sure, old stomping grounds come with painful memories, they come with old emotions that may come back to haunt you, they come with junk. But they also come with an extraordinary amount of overcoming, they come with joy and happy memories, they come with purpose because you had to go through stuff to get you to where you are at today.
The new will eventually be old, and you can't just throw off everything vintage and rusty and antique in your life because you don't want to deal with it. You can't forget the beauty that comes with the old. Hold onto it. Remember how God used it all for His purpose.
Remember how you needed that to get you to this.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A DECLARATION
I am happy.
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
Friday, November 23, 2012
JUST AS THANKFUL TODAY
For all the hype that goes on during Thanksgiving, I woke up today feeling just as thankful. Isn't that how it should be? One day to celebrate thanks is good, but how much more powerful is a life of thanks then just one day where you list what your thankful for then proceed to eat lots of turkey to celebrate it?
Today I desire to be more thankful then I was yesterday.
Then I want that to happen for the rest of my life.
I am thankful for a year of growth and transformation. I am thankful for the goodness God has graciously put in my hands and I am thankful for brokenness He has allowed me to experience, (in that, I have learned to have immense trust in God, beyond what I have ever experienced before.) I am thankful that coming home made me realize how I have the most incredible army of people here that love and support me. I am thankful that when I go back to school I will again, be reminded, of the very same thing there. I am thankful for rest that always comes when I need it most. I am thankful for God showing me beauty and power in singleness. I am thankful for being chosen to be a leader over and over, with nothing of my own doing but everything to do with God's doing. I am thankful that I've stopped crazy planning and opened my hands to God's crazy beautiful ideas. I am thankful for learning grace to the millionth degree, my life will never be same after God's lesson in that. I am thankful for God carrying all of my anxieties and burdens freely, I am allowed a freedom and hope that is beyond what I could ever have without Him. I am thankful for the Word, that is always powerful and relevant, always there when I need it and has all the right words when people often don't. I am thankful for every single experience I have ever been through, cause in the most non-cliche way, it has gotten me right where I am at. I am thankful for belief in myself, something that I lacked entirely years ago. I am thankful for the potential of so many beautiful things in my future, however I am more thankful that often God gives me even more then I planned on. I am thankful for the truth-speakers in my life, those that have been my rock when I have been weak and my laughter amidst tears. I am thankful for people, at the end of the day. They are, after all, the only thing I can take with me to Heaven. I am thankful for being allowed to have so many opportunities to create and design and be an artist, it is in creating that I can experience my Creator in extraordinary ways. I am thankful for this year, for these seasons of experiencing Him. I am thankful that saying "yes" to Jesus was the best decision I ever made in my life.
Today I desire to be more thankful then I was yesterday.
Then I want that to happen for the rest of my life.
I am thankful for a year of growth and transformation. I am thankful for the goodness God has graciously put in my hands and I am thankful for brokenness He has allowed me to experience, (in that, I have learned to have immense trust in God, beyond what I have ever experienced before.) I am thankful that coming home made me realize how I have the most incredible army of people here that love and support me. I am thankful that when I go back to school I will again, be reminded, of the very same thing there. I am thankful for rest that always comes when I need it most. I am thankful for God showing me beauty and power in singleness. I am thankful for being chosen to be a leader over and over, with nothing of my own doing but everything to do with God's doing. I am thankful that I've stopped crazy planning and opened my hands to God's crazy beautiful ideas. I am thankful for learning grace to the millionth degree, my life will never be same after God's lesson in that. I am thankful for God carrying all of my anxieties and burdens freely, I am allowed a freedom and hope that is beyond what I could ever have without Him. I am thankful for the Word, that is always powerful and relevant, always there when I need it and has all the right words when people often don't. I am thankful for every single experience I have ever been through, cause in the most non-cliche way, it has gotten me right where I am at. I am thankful for belief in myself, something that I lacked entirely years ago. I am thankful for the potential of so many beautiful things in my future, however I am more thankful that often God gives me even more then I planned on. I am thankful for the truth-speakers in my life, those that have been my rock when I have been weak and my laughter amidst tears. I am thankful for people, at the end of the day. They are, after all, the only thing I can take with me to Heaven. I am thankful for being allowed to have so many opportunities to create and design and be an artist, it is in creating that I can experience my Creator in extraordinary ways. I am thankful for this year, for these seasons of experiencing Him. I am thankful that saying "yes" to Jesus was the best decision I ever made in my life.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
CABLE, A GOOD MATTRESS + HOME
I realized that after this weekend I spent at home, that "home" is a lot more then just the physical location of me being where I was raised my entire life. Home is the place of rest. Home is the place where I don't have to fake it. Home is the place that I can drop the past and be present, here and now. Home is more then good food and a better shower nozzle and cable television and an even better mattress. Home is comfort. Home is a place of appreciation for life and the people around you.
If I ever need a renewed sense of joy and passion in life, I go to the place where it all first started.
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