BEEN TALKIN' ABOUT THE WAY THINGS CHANGE

This morning, when the clock struck midnight, I held two of my dearest friends hands in the most cliché (yet totally necessary way) in a restaurant that we ran into right before it hit the New Year. We didn't want to be driving aimlessly on the freeway when one of the biggest years of our lives began, duh.

So here we were, making friends with our fun waitress, counting down the seconds until 2014.

If our lives were a movie, Rivers and Roads by the Head and the Heart would start playing silently in the background and our seventeen years of formal education would flash before our eyes. But our lives are clearly not some cheesy chick-flick with hunky male counterparts. So here we were ringing in the New Year in an average restaurant with far more than average friends, accepting that New Years is always a weird anticlimactic-sort-of new day.

We also accepted the strange reality that in a year from now, we could, quite literally, be anywhere in the world. Doing anything in the world, alongside anyone. We could spend New Years Eve with friends we know now, with each other, or with people we have yet to even introduce ourselves to. We could be in California, we could be in another country or another continent. We could have our dream job and be in love with our new post-grad adultish life, or we could be struggling, realizing that post-grad life is hard and strange and new all at once.

Our lives are so up in the air, it's weird.

As I sat with my girls ringing in the New Year, we talked about something I never really fully processed yet: we have always known the next step. And this year, that next "obvious" step, well, it vanishes. And it'll never really come back.

There are no obvious steps anymore. Traveling or Grad school or a job, no obvious step. A firm job, a non-profit job, a retail job, no obvious step. Move away, stay local, nothing set in stone, nothing clear.

These are our lives now. With the knowledge that we have to go make a living for ourselves, we can do whatever we choose. Other than the fact that money is stressful (ha), it's liberating to have that weird next step disappear once and for all.

I used to find comfort in being able to say what my plan for the next semester was, or the next school year. It was always revolved around school, a safe ground to fall upon, a step that had to be taken to finish my education. I knew what commitments I had in store for me, I knew who my roommates would be, where I might travel, what ways I felt on my heart to serve. There was little room for anything to really shock me when it came to where my life was headed personally and academically, I had it all mapped out.

In that moment, 12:10AM or whatever time it was, it really hit me: the map ends here.
Like this weird make-believe map we've relied on for so long... it no longer exists.

As much as we hope that wherever we end up after graduation turns into a home so that we no longer long for the bedroom we grew up in and the hometown we've always known, we can't really make any guarentees.

That seems to be the state of my life right now: no guarantees. I have nothing set in stone, other then the fact that I want to follow Jesus and end up right where He wants me to live and serve and love. I mean I have puny plans, plans that could translate into a lot of different jobs (all of which I cannot predict right now.) But for the most part, my future is as unsure as it ever could be, and as it ever has been.

While I may have no idea where I'll be... I know, I JUST KNOW, it's going to be good.

And it's going to be fun, daingett.

FOOLISHNESS + FREEDOM

The other day as I was reading I stumbled on something that sparked my interest. A Hebrew word for praise, "halal." While in some cases it means to shine or to celebrate, it also often means "clamorously foolish."

Hm.

Clamorously foolish?
Worship?

Of course, clamorously at first just sounded like a cool word and meant nothing to me, so I looked up that word for more context. I came across the definition of "insistently demanding attention" or "marked by loud outcry."

In other words: a Hebrew word for 'praise' and 'worship,' halal, means a kind of foolishness that demands attention, that is very apparently loud and seemingly intensely passionate. If that word were to be put in human form I could bet that person would not be hiding in the background, they would not be steering clear from making decisions that others would mark as crazy, it would not mean a fearful life that attempts to always avoid opposition, it would not mean holding back, living in comfort and safety, or living in some self-constructed bubble.

Clamorously foolish means praising God. It means worshiping our creator.

Clamorously foolish means doing things for His Kingdom that don't make sense to some people, doing things that may mark you as crazy in some people's eyes but brilliantly obedient and healthily crazy in God's. It means being fearless, being free from restraint and self-doubt. It means singing louder, worshiping freer, risking more, trusting more, living more. It means being one of those rare people that doesn't revolve their life around pleasing everybody else. It means revolving your life around praising God and pleasing Him.

I could take a lesson in living out halal.

WHAT THE HECK IS RELINQUISHMENT

I like to know.
I like preparation.
I like to have a plan.
I like to-do lists.
I like responsibility.
I like consistence.
I like schedules.
I like reliability.

I have realized the past few days, the past few weeks, how much liking those things tends to backfire on me. How liking to have it all together, have things my way, have things happen the quickest and have things happen in the manner that makes the most sense to me is more of a pain then it is worth anything at all. 

Ironically, those two little paragraphs were drafted on my blog as I shut down my computer last night not knowing how to complete the post I began. And God, in his typical ways, knew that these thoughts had to stick around. So, He made sure to not let them leave me. I opened up my Kindle for my nightly dose of reading and began reading the chapter I left off at in the book I'm reading. In the past, it had nothing to do with this thought I had last night. But since God is funny, from the start I could tell it was going to have a direct relation to these thoughts.

It was entitled 'guaranteed uncertainty.'

Oh, how that thought alone makes me cringe.

The chapter in the book went on to explain that uncertainty forces us to depend on God, not on ourselves, not on other people, not on circumstances. It explained how faith does not reduce uncertainty but embraces it. That being spiritually mature means less about having the future all figured out and more about a consistent reliance and sensitivity to the Spirit of God. It mentioned that following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

Um, say whattttttt?

Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

If I wasn't laying down in bed, I would have fallen to my knees. This sentence just shook me. It shook my whole world, if that's possible.

Following Jesus means the way I like to handle things, control things, and know things, just won't work. Point blank. And it's funny how I can read the Gospels and find so many direct correlations to my life in there, things that I want to apply and live out, things I need to work on, things I feel convictions about, but this exact application never has stood out to me. Frankly, I never thought God would have an issue with me liking to be what I would often consider 'responsible, reliable, consistent, and dependable.' I thought it was all good, but while these are indeed qualities I like and admire about myself, sometimes they do close in on my walk with the Lord and on my life. At some point, I have to let things go. Don't we all? I have to just let things be wrong, go wrong, let people screw up, give myself room to screw up. Let things not go my way. Let group projects end up crappy or let someone else in group projects take the reigns and end up doing something brilliant, just not necessarily fitting what I would have imagined. At some point I have to let people plan things a way I am not fond of. Let other people drive. Let my to-do list go. Let preparation hold a back seat to living in the moment and embracing the things that are thrown at me that I can't allot for.

My life needs to stop being a constant pursuit of me trying to look like I have it all together, like I have it all figured out... and it needs to start pointing to the fact that I follow the one that DOES. That does have all this mumbo-jumbo figured out way before I could ever even attempt to.

When I put the Gospels (and the Bible in general, for that matter) in context of this conviction, it becomes pretty clear to me that NONE of the people God used cared about being in control. None. And if they did in the beginning, they didn't once God stirred in their hearts. They didn't have a timeline of when they wanted certain things to happen in life, they didn't have all their years of schooling mapped out and their plan after that to be all set in stone, they didn't even attempt to make their life predictable in the form of lists and maps and spreadsheets (or whatever the Jesus-time equivalent would be). They just let it be. They let God plan and do all the work, and they just listened. They just followed Him day by day. Sure, our life in this time and place is naturally more complex, but don't we often just make it far more complex then it even needs to be?

If Jesus came up to me tomorrow and asked me to follow Him and leave everything behind, including my desire to plan things and know things and control things (because that inherently would be a part of it)... would I? I am beginning to see that even if He doesn't knock on my door tomorrow and ask that question, that question is still necessary every single day to follow Him. I can't do things 'my way', be my own god in some ways, figuring it all out on my own. I can't try and do all this while I am trying to follow the God that wants to be all of that FOR us... and deserves to be... and not to mention, is a whole freaking lot better at it then I am, that's for sure.

Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

It is voluntarily ceasing to keep our grips on what we think our life should look like, feel like, be like. It is letting our grip go on our expectations, our wishes, our hopes, our lists, our plans, even our dreams for ourselves at times. It is replacing all of that with what God has for us. It is letting go of control in exchange for letting God have all of it. It is open hands and open hearts. It is doing things HIS way because we want to, not because we are forced to. It is trust in the trials and more satisfaction and happiness and peace in the little joys that life brings to us. It is freedom.

A TIGHT GRIP + UNOBTAINABLE FREEDOM

Holding too tightly.

The common theme between every single person woven into the story of the Bible is that no one did that. They may have had ordinary jobs, they may have dropped everything in a second to follow Jesus or it may have taken a while, but the only thing that holds to be true is that, in the Bible, following Jesus was not synonymous with clinging to your life. Actually, those two roads should never diverge at all. No one clung, we are told not to cling, no one held on, we are told to trust, no one was fearful of letting go, we fear like it's going out of style.

Whether that be of jobs or your ideal plan in life, whether that be of the future or of the present, whether that be in relationships or friendships... they didn't cling to any of that.

Why do I find that I so often cling on? And when I ask questions around, seek others hearts, pursue answers and perspective from others, I find that everyone around me is just clinging on too.

Relationships that last longer then they should, that may even lead to the alter, because someone is fearful of letting go of something because it screws up their life plan, it may hurt someone, it may make them look bad. Friendships that people try and sustain forever, even when it is producing no fruit, dragging down life instead of building them up. Even when something should end, people try and make it work just because they are fearful. Jobs that people stay in because it had a good wage, it's comfortable and pleases those around them, even though it's not where their heart is at, those people stick around because they just can't let go of their tight grip. People cling onto their list of qualities in a spouse so tightly that even when a guy that's perfect for them comes along, they are too busy thinking of some unobtainable list instead of whats real.

We are too busy clinging on, trying to make a life for ourselves, instead of letting God make a life for us. We are too busy filling our hands with stuff, gripping our hands to fleeting, invisible things, that we never have them available to what God has.

Our hands are clung to something else. Our hearts are fearful, discontent, lacking trust in every way.  And we wonder why often, freedom is the hardest thing to grasp.

Freedom is resting in the peace of mind that when you need to follow God and let go, you can do it. When you need to follow God and drop a job, you can do it. When God says no, you can trust that He is really just saying yes to something far greater (sounds cliche, but it's true, I promise.) When a friendship ends, you are given room to invest in others that you mutually need in that season.

The minute my life is enveloped in fear of change and letting go, fear of displeasing someone because I am following God, fear of this or that... is the minute I lose the ability to have freedom in Christ.

Christ set an example for us that we can be content not having worldly things, we can be content in following God's yes' and no's. We can be content with HIM. Knowing that He's got us.

Freedom is right on the other side of clinging on with the tightest grip to anything and everything we fear losing or changing or giving up. Freedom is right around that corner.

I NEVER PLANNED ON THIS

The truth is: most of the time, I think that I honestly know what's best for me. I pray and pray and pray but often in the back of my head are these thoughts and ideas that most of the time I think come from God and not from me.

The problem is: some of the time, they do come from me. Some of the time, those thoughts are not what's best for me, even if I think with all my heart and mind that they are. Some of the time, I am sadly mistaken. Some of the time, it is not God that breaks my heart but it's me breaking my own heart, thinking that I know what's best for me.

Over a year ago I got an email saying that I was chosen as one of twelve... one of six girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. I applied because I was pushed to by leaders that I trusted and looked up to, but most of the time I didn't really want the position at all. So this little voice in the back of my head began to whisper 'you're not gonna get this position. you aren't meant for this. you aren't going to be good at this. you aren't equipped. you aren't enough. you're meant to do something else." So I believed it. Even the moment before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or 'no,' I prayed with my roommate trying to convince her all of the reasons that this position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation soon there after that pushing myself to do something that I felt not good enough for might just be the best thing for me. I met the group of 11 that would be leading alongside me about a week later or so, and peace flooded my mind.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I surely didn't.

Looking back, I laugh. I shake my head and will proudly claim I didn't know what was best for me. The voices were wrong, my prayers were headed in the wrong direction because of it, but in the end, I leapt out in faith and just as much as God caught me, the 11 people I lead and the 11 people that were leaders alongside me caught me too.

Some of the time I don't know what's best for me.

Yesterday I opened an email saying that I was chosen as one of six... one of three girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. (Sound familiar?) I applied because I felt the little voice in the back of my head saying that I need to be a freshmen RA. Most of the time I claimed if I didn't get that exact position, I didn't want it at all. The little voice told me that I wouldn't be good at any other position, that no other position would fill me, no other position would give me such an ability to change lives. I believed it. Even the moment right before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or a 'no,' I prayed for the only thing I was used to praying for. Freshmen. I felt that if I didn't get them, the position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation after an hour long conversation with my mentor, that pushing myself to do something that I felt not passionate enough about, might just be the best thing for me.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I am sure, ask me in six months from now, I'll laugh and shake my head.

The problem with holding tightly to something, is that once we have to let go of it, we are so used to clinging on so tightly with all of our might, that we don't know what hit us. Our hands tremble from releasing our own plans. Letting go hurts. Embracing a plan we didn't think would be put in front of us hurts equally. But if life is about us, if life is about never feeling hurt or pain, then we have a thing or two to learn about living.

Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we have to walk in the fact that we were wrong. And sometimes, plans that change end up being the only plan we could have imagined living.

As we plan and analyze and map out our lives, God probably laughs and shakes His head.

If Jesus was right there in front of me I'd give Him a couple extra high fives and a huge smile for giving me what I didn't want... and then taking seemingly no time to make it really clear that He is right and I am wrong. Wrong yet again.

Here's to laying down my plan at the feet of Jesus, Him lifting the burden off of me of trying to figure out what's best, and letting Him do all the ridiculously brillant behind-the-scenes work.

"There may be things going on inside of us that we do not understand. But when we finally arrive at the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along."

UNLIKELY INSPIRATION

Today I bought a gym membership.
Or, tonight rather.
More specifically, fifteen minutes ago.

I may have gone off the deep end, or I may have finally picked up my mat and started walking.

Often I see glimpses of how I stare freedom or peace or joy right in the eyes and yet still refuse to get up and walk in it. I get so close and then I shrug it off and leave it to figure out on another day.

Some days when a choice is given to me of choosing what's expected and comfortable and easy, and choosing something that shows faith and trust and freedom, I usually just choose what's expected of me. Sometimes I don't even realize it.

I choose the easy road often because I've been on the hard one before. The thing is though, I know that the hard one produces much more then the easy road ever will. But I forget that when I'm given the option.

But today I refused to bow down to easy living and comfortable decisions.

More then I wish for most things, I wish to look at myself straight in the eyes and know that I am happy with who I am, the decisions I have made, and the way I look. Today was one step in that direction, even in the smallest of ways.

Ironically, after I spent the longest day in classes, I came home and watched the latest episode of the Biggest Loser. As cliche as it sounds, I looked at the lives of people who refused to keep pushing things off another day. Who refused in life in fear. Who finally grabbed ahold of what they wanted and were dead on determined to not let go, for once in their lives. I decided, even if its in the most little of ways, I want to the same.

So whether its getting fit, giving up the things that hold you back (whether thats social networking, coffee, soda, cute clothes, etc), or doing something you want but are afraid of- I encourage you to just do it. You will never look back on times you stepped out in faith and regret them.

Truly, in the most non-cliche and encouraging way, you only have one life. Make Jesus proud. And daingett, make yourself proud.

Today I am thankful for inspiring artists, classes that end extra early, seeing my design work branding a new company, a healthy dinner, new mismatched towels because I loved two colors and didn't want to have to choose one, finding a wall art piece online that I've been looking for forever, and sitting in my apartment missing my two roommates with the realization that life is as good as its ever been. I am blessed.

THIS ONE SEASON (TRUST + APPRECIATING SINGLENESS)

In the midst of my friends engagement today, my best friend getting married, and relationships and marriage surrounding me seemingly everywhere, I have had profound peace and joy and excitement about this season in my life. Like, a peace and excitement that only comes from the Lord, because Lord knows at times I am so antsy for Him to bring me the man of God He has for me.

This season I used to see as being interim.

As being the in-between period between a season of being in a leadership position that rocked my world, blessed me beyond words, and changed my life completely and a season to come of God knows what. I saw this season as purposeless before I entered into it. I was confused as to why God would want me to have purely school for a semester, interning all the time, design jobs like crazy, and homework up the ying-yang. But God is good. And sovereign. And His purpose is there even when I don't see it. There is purpose in this season. There is purpose in the homework, in the long hours, in the eye pain from staring at a computer screen for so long... it all has a purpose.

No matter if it seems like most people are able to see a bigger picture of getting married (and who they are getting married to) and having children- there is purpose in me not seeing that right now.

There is a reason why I am single. There is a reason why I don't have my whole life planned out (actually I have none of it planned out, not even next semester). There is a reason that my summer plans are up in the air. There is a reason that I know no reasons for things that happened and things still to come. Whether its to trust God, whether its to feel freedom that you can't feel when plans consume your life, whatever the reason is, I trust that God has one.

I used to focus so much on all the lives around me that are experiencing things I don't have and instead, I have learned to focus my attention on my own life. All the blessings. All the goodness. All the reasons I am where I am and not where other people are. I realized I can't base this 'timeline' of my life off of other peoples timelines. That's unrealistic and strange, quite frankly.

I can't base my happiness on what other people have that I am lacking.
It sounds obvious, but I sometimes I think maybe its not so obvious.

In the church marriage is thrown around like it's no big deal. Like.... what? I guess I don't understand when I think about it. But somewhere in the midst of it I have begun to believe that getting engaged and married not long after you exit teenage-hood is normal. If I am 30 and single, life will go on and life will still be so good and I will remain so, so thankful. I can't get caught up in what's all around me and forget that I am where I need to be right now.

Singleness has a lot of good things to it. A LOT. I forget it sometimes. I want what other people have. But also, if I had what other people had, in many senses, I think I would want to be where I am at right now. I might be jealous of the life I have right now. Truly. I am seeing all the blessings and throwing away all the junk that shouldn't hold as much power as it sometimes does. And it feels good.

I know that I am right in the palm of God's hands and I am experiencing God in beautiful ways every single day, why would I want someone else's life when my life is so full and so joy-filled?

In this season I never expected to learn and see all I have so far. I have learned what its like to trust in God and trust that freedom is real and possible. I have learned what wholeness and mending feels like, and that it takes time and doesn't mean I lack cracks and imperfections altogether. I have realized that pushing aside my passions and giftings does nothing for me, there is a reason God hands us talents and the reason is to use them. This is maybe just a season of using them and building my confidence as an artist and trusting there is purpose in that. I have learned that I am good enough for Jesus, that lesson seems to be a reoccurring theme and reminded in my life. I have learned more about singleness from being in a crappy relationship then I ever learned from actually being single, and that's a disguised blessing in so many ways. I have learned and grown and been creatively stimulated daily in this season that I once thought was an awkward in-between. What I once thought would lack purpose, is filled with purpose at every angle and to every end. There is power in me being here, while it seems the rest of the world around me is somewhere else. I need to be here. And here feels pretty good.

No matter what everyone else thinks about it or no matter where everyone else is, God's given me some good reminders that there is purpose always.

There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.

BELIEVING IN THE UNBELIEVABLE

What if I really, truly, 100% accepted God's grace?

I think that belief is essential for accepting God's grace. If we can't ever trust and believe in the grace of God, how are we to accept it?

And honestly, I think a Christian life of accepting God's grace is extraordinarily different from one that lacks the belief and acceptance of the grace of God. If we believe and accept God's grace, that means we believe and accept the fact that God loves us. We believe that our sins are forgiven, that God has looked past all the wrong we have done and He sees our heart. If we believe God's grace covers us, that means we believe that God loves us without bounds and with a love that is unquestionable and unfathomable.

If we believe in God's grace and if we believe that God loves us (like if we deeply, wholeheartedly believed it) our whole lives would be different. Better. Fuller. Happier.

There would be
freedom
compassion
humility
selflessness
joy
+ peace
abounding in our lives.

Try believing today that God loves you.
Really think about it.
And really give thanks for it, and walk in that truth.

It'll change everything.

MY HEART + FEARS SPILLED OUT

I fear heights and the top of tall buildings and the end of my comfort zone.
I fear disappointing other people but I fear disappointing myself unequivocally more.
I fear an 'unlived' life, an unfulfilled life, a normal life, a boring life.
I fear in ten years being well off on my own, but sitting at home wanting something more.
I fear that my life will turn into the American Dream but not my own dream.
I fear that my biggest problems will be first world problems.
I fear that my biggest, fullest dreams will eventually turn into 'unrealistic' dreams.
I fear that I will get all the desires I could ever want in things, but I won't ever get my hearts desires.
I fear that I will lead my own life, instead of be led by God.
I fear that my choices will be defined by my comforts.
I fear that my decisions will be marked by what the people around me what me to do.
I fear that the Holy Spirit will be neglected because of the big (and scary) things it tells me.
I fear that Jesus' plan for me isn't what my parents would approve of.
I fear that following Jesus will make me look like a crazy person.
I fear that I won't want to look crazy so I will settle for a whole lot less then a radical life for Jesus.
I fear that money will hold more value in my life then I want it to.
I fear that possessions will define me more then my faith.
I fear that singleness will cause me to be impatient instead of trust God more fully.
I fear that at the end of my life I will wish I did things differently.
I fear that the experiences I turned down or were afraid of will turn into regrets.
I fear that I will do the 'logical' thing more then the thing that I feel led to do.
I fear that I will stand in front of Jesus and wish I had something more to show for my life.

More then anything though, I fear that fear will consume my life, be the basis for my decisions, and envelop my heart until I end up living a life that I have never desired to live... and have never been called by God to live either.

A WRECK, A LOG, + A REVELATION

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

This past summer, much to my surprise, I ended up doing a ropes course.

Anyone that knows anything about me, knows that heights are a crippling fear of mine. As in, you don't want to see me when I am faced with that fear and you better hope I'm not wearing makeup because it'll be ruined. My body turns into an anxious mess and my flesh overrides any optimism or confidence and simply destroys any positivity or joy I have.

I did not plan on doing anything on the ropes course in the beginning. But I also didn't want to look like a fool. I wanted to get something out of the day and I knew I wouldn't unless I put myself out there and faced my biggest fear. While all my friends did the huge, crazy ropes courses, my goal of the day was to finish just one portion of the course... but that thought alone tormented me. It took me probably over an hour to get up the nerve to even begin the course. But the second I got a couple feet off the air and began the course I was a mess. Like, I'm talking... a mess. You would have thought someone died. I could not stop the tears and my heart was going a hundred miles an hour.

I never willingly succumb myself to anything to do with heights. I was confused in that moment on why I chose to do something that scared the bajeebees out of me.

Once I climbed to the point I needed to, I got on the log and faced the challenge. The goal was to walk across the log without anything to hold onto except the rope you were connected to for safety. As my friends were below me cheering me on, I still could not control my emotions. I was embarrassed, clearly, but in that moment I truly didn't think I could do it. There was no way. My body was compulsively shaking, my mind was telling me to get down, and that left zero room for the Holy Spirit to give me any sort of confidence at all. Fear surrounded me, engulfed me, filled my thoughts, and controlled me.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

If I ever need a reminder of how crappy fear feels and how much it can control us, I go back to that moment.

It took me a while. Who knows how long I was up there. But eventually, I closed my eyes and just prayed. Then I wiped my tears, calmed myself down as much as I could, and walked across. Slow and steady, reminding myself of the truths in the Gospel. It was like I flipped a switch, and everything had changed. It was miraculous. I silenced the fear, silenced Satan, and tuned my ears only to hear the Holy Spirit. The only thing I remember telling myself was 'Jesus believes in you.' I told myself Jesus believed in me so many times as I was walking I began to actually believe in myself as well.

Once I got down my friends said how astonishing it was the second my mindset changed from listening to lies to listening to truth. My whole demeanor changed entirely.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

In the end, I did the course again. Crazy I know. The second time was much quicker and the second time I actually felt brave. Instead of telling myself of how Jesus believed in me though I replaced it with me whispering confident proclamations about myself. 'You got this', 'you're brave', 'I believe in you.' It was one of the best full-circle moments I've had in my life. I may not have succeeded in the worlds standards the first time, but I think (I hope, I pray) I made God smile.

"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."

Today, I was listening to the song Pursuit by Jesus Culture when this lyric just clicked. I've heard this song a million times, I play it on repeat almost daily, but never have I had it blow my mind like it did. If any line can encompass this past year of my life, it's this one. I have faced fears that clearly engulfed me, desires of my heart I didn't realize were so strong, and faults and failures that Jesus has refined and changed in incredible ways. I see this year as a year of complete transformation, in more ways then I think I even realize right now.

I let go of things that defined me in ways I didn't want to be defined. I allowed myself vulnerability, I allowed myself to mess up and to even, to a certain extent, regret things. I allowed myself space to learn and grow and love and lose and surrender. I listened and put myself in others shoes. I forgave when it didn't make sense and moved forward when that seemed to be the only option. I let go of my own plans and I embraced the plans God has for me, even though much of it (if not all of it) remains a mystery to me still. I led and I allowed others to lead me. I pursued my dreams and I let go of some of them. I listened to the hardest life stories and testimonies I've ever heard and I reflected a lot on who I am and who I want to be. I served until I was run dry and then I relied on God to keep serving even more. I did a lot of things I never planned to and I was humbled daily to be used by God despite all my imperfections.

This year I became less and less, Jesus became more and more, and in that, I am becoming more and more of who I was created to be.

This year I am proud of who I am. I am thankful that at the end of the day I have Christ always to fall back on and I am thankful that at the end of the day, I have myself too. I believe that Christ is refining me and molding me and for that, I have confidence. I know that His work in me is not yet completed and it will be perfected in the end. I am the most joyful girl to know that this next year I will be better and stronger (and yet weaker) because of how God will work in my life.

I remember being on that log high up in the air, facing my biggest fear and realizing that in the end, it wasn't even that scary. No matter what this next year throws at me, I am assured and confident that it won't even be that scary in the end. No matter what I face, Jesus faces it next to me, He was on that log up in the air whispering truths into my ear after all. In the Holy Spirit I indeed have confidence.

Here's to 2013.

THE ONE WHO TRUSTED

Imagine: A good looking seventeen-year-old boy, clearly loved (and maybe even the favorite) of his parents... everything in this boys life is a dream and he has all he could need. Then one day everything goes wrong, the tables are turned on him and his brothers who were jealous and filled with hatred of him sold him into slavery. He had ten brothers, and not one of them stood up and pleaded on his behalf.

What I see in the person of Joseph in the Old Testament is a boy, a man, that defied all odds when it came to trusting God. Most people opt out when life throws them that many curve balls, that many tough scenarios, but Joseph just clung onto God even tighter.

He probably said "I trust you God" when most people would think "I give up on you God."

Every single thing that was comfortable was taken out of his life.
He was basically spit in the face by his own brothers, his own blood.
He had it all. Then he had nothing. In the blink of an eye all he knew was taken from him.

Two things from his story make my jaw drop:
1. That he said this: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"
2. And that he forgave his brothers.

Joseph's trust in God was unfathomable. He trusted God even when he had nothing to show for God's faithfulness in his life... eventually however, he had a lot to show for it. Mainly, his life.

God is able to take the mess of our lives, our brokenness, our hardships, our sins, our failures, and make it beautiful. He is also mind-blowingly able to give people hearts of forgiveness when it doesn't even make sense. God does the unthinkable. And it's pretty rad.

A RESOLUTION + SOME SACRIFICES

The fact of the matter is, the world is not ending tomorrow. At least, I don't believe so and I urge my mom to stop watching crazy doomsday shows and entertaining the idea in the slightest. However, all the hype about it got me thinking... what if my life really did end sometime soon? What if today or tomorrow or the next day was my final day on Earth? What would I be known for, what would I have accomplished, what would my life stand for when it all comes down to it?

It made me question whether or not I am making the most of my life. I know that is a huge loaded question, but really. Seriously. Am I living the life I want to be remembered by? If I were to write down the qualities and characteristics that I wanted people to know about me by the time my life ended on this earth, would they actually be said of me today, right in this moment?

Lets be real. It makes me nervous when I try and search my own heart for what screams like a loudspeaker out of my life. What speaks loud, what sins envelop my life, what passions define me, what drives me, what gives me worth and meaning, what fills up my time? Is my life really about the things that I want them to be about? Woah. Talk about a life that needs some times to be changed, nothing is put into perspective until those questions literally circle my mind.

I used to always hear the statement that the things that define you are the things that you spend your time doing, the things you spend your time thinking about, and the things you spend your money on. In that case, my life is not what I want it to be about on all three accounts. Truth be told, I am not living the life I want to be living and the only thing I can point to blame is my flesh and Satan. I listen to my flesh when it tells me that I need a new dress or need more clothes when I already have more then my closet full and more then enough to clothe me to begin with. I listen to my flesh when it tells me to go on social networking websites instead of spend intentional time with God or with other human beings. I listen to the flesh when I think about what food I am craving and want to go buy for dinner, when I run lines through my mind of things I want to say to people instead of just trust God and leave conversations to come in His hands, I listen to my flesh when I think more about myself then I do about other people and about ultimately, glorifying God above everything. I realize, when I think about all I want to change in my life, how much I truly do not have it all together as much as I think I do sometimes.

The typical Christian cop-out is that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It's true. We all sin, and perfection (thankfully) is not required for us to follow Jesus. But the thing is, I want grace and mercy to cover over my life because of God's goodness not because it's a cover up for living according to my flesh. I don't want his grace to be a cop-out. I want his grace and forgiveness to be an added bonus.

I know that it is a little early to make a New Years Resolution, but I am making one. However, I am praying it doesn't stop there. I am making a Life Resolution. (Cliche I know.) I am cleaning out all the junk in my life. Although my room is currently messy (let's be real, I still have to unpack), my heart feels freedom finally. Freedom because I am vowing to no longer just have these ideas of how my life can depict Christ more, but I am living those ideas. I am doing, not just thinking and praying. I think a big mistake that I often make is that we must always pray and seek God in everything. I agree to that entirely, but sometimes we place the acting upon those prayers and desires last. Instead of just doing something... and then seeking God amidst that and through it all. The biggest mistake we can make is to push aside convictions with the justification that 'I'll just pray about it.' Some things have answers, and they are written right in the book God gifted to us. Some things have clearer answers then we would like to think.

So, I am giving up the excess in my life. With the things that I feel in some way, shape or form define me. I think that if I am striving to represent Christ, I can't represent the world. There is no middle ground I can or should fall upon. It is either all about Him or it isn't about Him at all.

I want people to view me as a person that made her life about other people. A girl that cared more about blessing people with anything they needed then she did about blessing herself with temporary, fleeting things. I want people to view me as loving and selfless not as blinded or selfish. I want people to see Christ's joy inside of me and know that it cannot be found in this world. I want people to view me as clothed with grace and humility more then I want them to view me as clothed with cute outfits. I want people to know me through intentional conversations, coffee dates, and long Skype calls, not through social networking, or even through this blog. I want people to be impacted by Christ's working through me. I want people to come to me when they are at their most broken, I want to be the first person people call. I want to be a life changer that in turn changes the world as people know it. I want to actually believe what the Word says is true... Here me out: I know that the Word is true... but I want to live it in such a way that points to the fact that I believe it with all of my being. I want to live with sacrifices that point to Jesus, I want to live a life that isn't easy but it's good and full because of Jesus. I want to live pouring out blessings on others that in turn, points to Jesus, I want to live in a way that doesn't make sense to this world. Yes, I really just want my life to point to Jesus. And if it is not 100% undoubatably doing that to the people around me, and if I can't be content where I am at in my walk with God. Then things have got to change.

Here's to change, here's to convictions, here's to a new life of freedom. Starting now.
Whatever it takes, Lord. Whatever it takes.

"You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are." 
Joyce Meyer

A FORGOTTEN WORD // PART TWO

[click to read part one]

Sometimes I just have to shake my head in life and think "only you God, only you." Truly. God has a way of doing things that I am either puzzled at, amazed with, shiver because of, or just have a dropped jaw in the end. God is God. And He sure is a God of great humor.

After a semester of being at school and watching podcasts of my home church, I could not wait until today to finally get to go to my own church. It's been a while. With no alarm clock and my phone charging downstairs, I just prayed to wake up on time. (Some people need alarm clocks all the time, as for me sometimes I just use God to wake me up. He's pretty good at it.) Just in the nick of time I woke up, had 15 minutes to get ready, hopped in my car, and just smiled because I made it just in time for church. I knew that God had something for me today.

So I sit down in church after we finished worship, I opened up the little pamphlet they hand out before the service, and just shook my head and laughed. Literally; I laughed.

The pamphlet read:
"Jesus is the Vine" John 15:1-11

"REALLY God? You've only pounded this into my head this past YEAR." It was a pretty daing monstrous coincidence if you want to call it that. I just know it was very intentional on God's part, no coincidence in my mind. Also perhaps no coincidence that I just posted a blog on this the other day.

At the end of the sermon, my pastor gave a little run-down on the word abide. I could not stop thinking about how crazy it was that the ONE word that was laid on my heart for over the past year, was being preached on. No other word would have had the same effect as this one. It was crazy. It was like God was stringing together everything that had gone on in the past year of my life and connected it all back to Him in the most beautiful way.

Honestly though, one part of the sermon gripped me and convicted me more then anything else... but yet gave me so much unfathomable peace, beyond what I could even say on a blog post. It was the part when my pastor talked about the ways in which God helps us to produce fruit in our lives. The first way was to remove unfruitful branches, and the second part was to prune so that we bear more fruit. The second part boggled my mind.

God knows our imperfections, yet he promises to complete us. He promises to take the parts of our lives and our walks with Him that are not bearing fruit and to change them so that they do. Through it all I think that God wants us to maintain an attitude of "CONSIDER IT ALL PURE JOY" because the pain of pruning could be immense. But to look past the pain and to be able to see the fruit that will come out of it, that is what will get us through it. Focusing on the pain does not allow us to see how God is going to use it for His glory. Focusing on the pain makes your hurt or your trials unbearable... focusing on producing fruit makes your pain worth it.

The most clarifying things that my pastor said was that once God has you, He has you. The Father always knows what He's doing. All we have to do is to trust in that. All that abiding means is to surrender, to make our home within God, to wake up every morning and know that we can do nothing apart from God. To abide is to give up our own life, to cease doing 'our own thing' and to stop living for ourselves.

To say that this year has been easy would be the biggest far off lie that has ever been told. This year has stretched me and broke me down in ways that I would have never fathomed twelve months ago. Heartache covers more then just a boy hurting my heart, it covers more hurts then I could count on my fingers, hurts of all kinds. Trials and droughts that I never saw coming indeed did stretch my faith and my trust in God. But the central theme of it all is that throughout everything, I learned what abiding looks like and feels like. Sometimes it is full of peace and clarity, at other times clarity is lacking as God prunes you when sometimes you have trouble seeing why that area needs pruning to begin with. God's knowledge always trumps our own though.

Abiding doesn't feel easy and it doesn't lack pain, it just has a bigger picture in mind the whole way through. The bigger picture is God's plan, the one we always get trapped inside is our own.

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit" 
John 15:1-2

A GUY NAMED ANGEL

I am aware that we often make stress something that it doesn't need to be at all. We stress about the most unnecessary things. However, as much as that can be head knowledge, yesterday that didn't stop me from stressing out over the internship interview I was going to have and the one biggest dread I had:

Parking.

Sounds dumb right. But first of all, I hate the hassle of finding parking most places but more then anything, places like Hollywood. Which just so happened to be where I was going. I also hate being late, much more then finding parking. My fear was running late because I couldn't find the right parking structure they were talking about or there was no parking in it or something weird. Anyhow, I could not sleep the night before with the fear of something going wrong. I had never been to this exact place before so I did not want to do screw it up by messing up something simple.

Too hard on myself? Probably. Trusted God? Not nearly enough.

However, God must have been up there giggling at me or something because too many things happened that pointed straight to Him.

Like this guy named Angel. The name seemed to be no coincidence to me. He worked at the parking garage as the attendant and blessed my day to an extent that I really needed in that moment. He had the most angelic smile and encouraged me for a solid five minutes, not knowing me at all, about the interview I was about to have. He affirmed me like crazy. The kind of heart that came across in five minutes of conversation gave me the exact amount of peace I needed. Then he gave me more specific directions on what building and door to enter in through and told me to just take a breather and head to Starbucks (since I was an hour early, ha). To the world, it may have just been an encounter with a friendly person, but to me, he was literally an angel of peace that calmed all of my nerves.

My day was encouraged by nailing the interview, loving the outfit I wore and feeling classy and professional all day, going to the Museum of Tolerance and hearing a Holocaust speaker with so much joy and perspective which encouraged the living daylights out of me, getting the kindest text from my momma, getting loads of snapchats from my beautiful alpha leaders (friends now), and enjoying homemade hot apple cider with friends before finishing one of the last papers of this semester.

Yesterday was perfect. God giggled again at how I stressed and lost sleep over a day that turned out to be so, so good.

NEGLECTING YOUR HEARTS WORDS

I think that the hardest battle I have ever faced is the one that has never left me. The battle of my heart speaking things that my mind doesn't want to absorb or agree with. My heart is intimate with Jesus. My mind is often distracted by what makes sense to the world; more specifically, mostly, what makes sense to my parents.

You see, I can dream big all day long, I can wish that I had the guts to live out what's on my heart, but often I push those thoughts aside beside truthfully, perhaps I live my life for my parents a lot more then I'd like to believe. I do what makes sense to the world a lot more then I wish I did. I neglect what the Holy Spirit and my heart tell me, because in my head I got here from my parents, I owe them something. I forget, I am here ultimately because of God. I forget sometimes that my only goal in life is to love God, to know God, and to love people so that they would see Him in me and be driven to do the same. I forget, I forget, I forget... how sad.

Today I am trying to speak truth into the lies I believe. The lie that it's wrong of me to have a crazy life that doesn't make sense to nonbelievers. I think, the humanity in me is scared to have a life that the world scoffs at, I know that our lives as Christians shouldn't make sense to the world, but sometimes the thought of that is bizarre.

Today I am thankful that God has some crazy plan that I shouldn't even attempt to comprehend. God is God. I'll let Him do His job and I'll work on mine: obedience.

Lord, I trust you, where you call me I will go. I am yours.

THE INCLINE + THE DESERT

An affirmation to say every day:
The healing power of God is working in my right now.
Every day I get better and better in every way.
-Joyce Meyer

Five days of rest at home is the best thing for my soul that could have ever been given to me. I know that in every way possible it was from the Lord. He knew I needed it. I literally came back to school a new person, actually an old person, the 'me' I used to be a few months ago after I got back from an incredible summer of ministry at a summer camp. I was as close and intimate with the Lord as I have ever been because I relied on Him daily, for all of my strength and encouragement and substance. He was it for me. He was all I needed and He came through every single day. After the first week of summer camp being some of the roughest moments of my life, Jesus plucked me out of the desert and put me on the quickest incline... I was back to being close with Jesus again in no time.

I should have known God would do it again. Over and over again. The desert season will end and thankfully, there will be beauty in the desert that will indeed be revealed in time.

After summer camp, I came home and fell into the routine of life, had a few close encounters with the Lord, but feeling God's presence wasn't constant like I know it can and should be. For around four months it was a trying period, it felt like I was walking in a desert and couldn't find the water. I couldn't have what I needed, and that was all of Jesus not just a sampler plate of what He 'offers' us.

Jesus should be my portion, He is exactly what I need to sustain me. But the problem was, I was so distracted and consumed with trying to fulfill a to-do list, with trying to give grace to people without getting anything in return, with trying to be Jesus without allowing Jesus to work through me. I wasn't allowing Jesus to be my portion, but instead I was filling my life with a bunch of junk instead of filling myself with the real, sustaining, pure thing. I realized how essential it is that we allow Jesus to work through us, if we try and do it on our own it is the most draining, tiring thing on the planet.

Today, the reality is, I should have been stressed. I should have. But by the grace of Jesus, not even the slightest amount of stress filled my body or my soul. Today I was at peace, things rolled off my shoulders and didn't phase me, life was beautiful, the world made me smile, and Jesus was my constant companion. Jesus didn't feel like daddy today though, He didn't feel like some 'husband' or friend or homeboy. Jesus was KING, He was GOD. I feel blessed and undeserving to merely live out His Word on this Earth. I am a servant to the greatest servant that ever lived.

Life was handed to me as a gift, I am starting to actually, really and truly view it as one. Gifts don't stress you out, they bless you and fill you up and are the very thing you want and hopefully, need.

The good news is, I am out of the rut I was stuck in. I am on a beautiful incline, filled with hope and truth and a lot of Scripture to remind me that where I am at is good, but also temporary. I am relying on Jesus to bring me back to the place I know. The place of downright pure joy and fervor for life. I'm getting there. I feel it. (But when I get back to the desert, at least I'll know that is temporary too.)

The desert is a necessity, it is only through the struggles that you can know how good joy is and how good it is when you finally have it in your hands again.

The more obstacles you have, the more opportunities there are for God to do something.
-Clarence W. Jones

YOU OF LITTLE FAITH

"I will take care of you.
I will give you everything you need.
And more.

I desire to give you your daily bread.

I will clothe you.
I will feed you.
I will provide for you.

I will take care of every worry that shouldn't have to fill your mind.

I will take care of you
So long as you seek me.

Stop worrying.
Stop planning.
Stop being anxious.

Show me that I am worthy of your unceasing trust.
I will show you moment after moment why I will never fail you.
Oh, you of little faith."


[Paraphrased from Matthew 7:25-34]

COMFORT, POWER + OTHER LIES

We like to wish that we had a choice. We like to wish that the universe is at our dispense, in the palm of our hands instead of our creators. We like to plan and schedule and build up this calendar and eventually, this life that revolves around a to-do list and plans that typically change. We like to know what is going to happen next. We like to be in control and shiver when we lack it. In short, we like to play God. Even if we aren't admitting it, we are surely doing it.

We do everything in our power to not admit this though. Especially as Christians. We proclaim "God is in control" and "everything happens for a reason" but I look around and rarely think people truly believe that... at least no one's living it.

I am realizing day by day in a school consisting of people proclaiming to be Christians that we live in a box of comfort and are often engulfed in walls we ourselves create. We don't let people in, we want what we want, and usually that is an easy, comfortable life. We don't like to trust, we don't like to put things in other people's hands.

The thing about Jesus though that boggles my mind and still stuns me, is He never did that. He put His trust in those that He knew would break it. He loved those that did not love Him back. And as much as that is said a million times, I think the second that sets into our little human minds, it would astonish us and draw us to our knees. He LOVED sacrificially and endlessly those that did not love him either of those ways. He gave what He knew He would not receive. He put himself out there, when He knew He would gain nothing in return. He did it because if He didn't, what view would we have of how God loves us? The worst, skewed perspective.

The thing is though: He did not do this without reason or purpose. He did this so we could do the same.

We are called to put our choices aside to some extent, to put the things we clench in the hands of God who created them in the first place, to rip up our lives plans and let God mold and shape them, and to let go of the constant fear of letting someone be in control other then ourselves.

The longer we are trying to be in control, the more we will be controlled by this world and not the goodness and truth of the Gospel.


And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28