PLAN A

To say that I have learned a lot in my twenty-one years of life, would be half truth and unfortunately half fiction. I haven't learned what it looks like to give up the things I cling closest to and rely fully on Jesus long-term. I haven't learned what it looks like to love a man without fear or to completely and totally trust my creator. I haven't learned how to cook raw seafood or make french toast. I haven't learned how to say 'no' without regret and burdens piling up on me. I haven't learned how to stop covering up my insecurities with cute clothing and I haven't even learned how to curl my own hair.

But I have learned one thing.

It is the simple truth I grasp onto when I feel like my words aren't doing justice, the Scripture verses I throw out there just aren't helping someone, my gifts aren't well enough received, my hugs don't comfort enough and my laugh doesn't result in their laughter too. When the constant stream of me trying to fix someone else's issues or me trying to bless another persons life is failing, or I am confused or unsure of what to do next. I resort to what always stands as PLAN A in my life:

Just show up.

The best truth that no one has ever told me, but has rather, somehow, beautifully and miraculously, been engraved into my life from the get-go. It just always made sense to me. It is my life motto of sorts.

Words will always fall short. Actions don't always fall as short. Neither does consistency. To be reliable and present in another person's life speaks louder in the end then a million encouragement notes and Starbucks gift cards... at least I believe so.

So today, friend, I encourage you to stop trying to be a certain person that you think some friend or relative or person you are influencing in life needs. You don't need to do a million things in order to change a life. The most prominent and influential people that have ever been a part of my life are the ones that consistently just show up. They may not have answers, they may not even ask the best questions, they may not make me laugh the hardest when I'm at my weakest, but they show up.

The main advice I can give to someone, that I can cling to and honestly know without a shadow of a doubt that I seek and stand firm in doing in my own life is to

BE YOURSELF.... and just show up.

I NEVER PLANNED ON THIS

The truth is: most of the time, I think that I honestly know what's best for me. I pray and pray and pray but often in the back of my head are these thoughts and ideas that most of the time I think come from God and not from me.

The problem is: some of the time, they do come from me. Some of the time, those thoughts are not what's best for me, even if I think with all my heart and mind that they are. Some of the time, I am sadly mistaken. Some of the time, it is not God that breaks my heart but it's me breaking my own heart, thinking that I know what's best for me.

Over a year ago I got an email saying that I was chosen as one of twelve... one of six girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. I applied because I was pushed to by leaders that I trusted and looked up to, but most of the time I didn't really want the position at all. So this little voice in the back of my head began to whisper 'you're not gonna get this position. you aren't meant for this. you aren't going to be good at this. you aren't equipped. you aren't enough. you're meant to do something else." So I believed it. Even the moment before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or 'no,' I prayed with my roommate trying to convince her all of the reasons that this position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation soon there after that pushing myself to do something that I felt not good enough for might just be the best thing for me. I met the group of 11 that would be leading alongside me about a week later or so, and peace flooded my mind.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I surely didn't.

Looking back, I laugh. I shake my head and will proudly claim I didn't know what was best for me. The voices were wrong, my prayers were headed in the wrong direction because of it, but in the end, I leapt out in faith and just as much as God caught me, the 11 people I lead and the 11 people that were leaders alongside me caught me too.

Some of the time I don't know what's best for me.

Yesterday I opened an email saying that I was chosen as one of six... one of three girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. (Sound familiar?) I applied because I felt the little voice in the back of my head saying that I need to be a freshmen RA. Most of the time I claimed if I didn't get that exact position, I didn't want it at all. The little voice told me that I wouldn't be good at any other position, that no other position would fill me, no other position would give me such an ability to change lives. I believed it. Even the moment right before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or a 'no,' I prayed for the only thing I was used to praying for. Freshmen. I felt that if I didn't get them, the position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation after an hour long conversation with my mentor, that pushing myself to do something that I felt not passionate enough about, might just be the best thing for me.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I am sure, ask me in six months from now, I'll laugh and shake my head.

The problem with holding tightly to something, is that once we have to let go of it, we are so used to clinging on so tightly with all of our might, that we don't know what hit us. Our hands tremble from releasing our own plans. Letting go hurts. Embracing a plan we didn't think would be put in front of us hurts equally. But if life is about us, if life is about never feeling hurt or pain, then we have a thing or two to learn about living.

Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we have to walk in the fact that we were wrong. And sometimes, plans that change end up being the only plan we could have imagined living.

As we plan and analyze and map out our lives, God probably laughs and shakes His head.

If Jesus was right there in front of me I'd give Him a couple extra high fives and a huge smile for giving me what I didn't want... and then taking seemingly no time to make it really clear that He is right and I am wrong. Wrong yet again.

Here's to laying down my plan at the feet of Jesus, Him lifting the burden off of me of trying to figure out what's best, and letting Him do all the ridiculously brillant behind-the-scenes work.

"There may be things going on inside of us that we do not understand. But when we finally arrive at the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along."

THE END OF A CONSTANT

You see, I came to college knowing nothing about what would hit me. (Do we ever?) I thought it would be a fun four years of change and maturity and fun and learning. I had no idea what I was in for.

I had no idea that my pursuit of education would turn into a pursuit of loving people better then I loved getting good grades. I had no idea that my pursuit of maturity would turn into a pursuit of being a better leader. I had no idea that my desire to study abroad would turn into serving (not studying) during a two month long trip to Tanzania. I had no idea that my desire to learn would result in learning more about myself then I have ever learned from a textbook. I had no clue what was coming.

However, amidst all of this change and growth during these incredible two and a half years, there has been one thing that has changed everything.

Alpha.

I was immediately put into an alpha group the first night I moved in to college. I had no idea what that even meant, nor what impact this group would have on my life... this whole program would have on my life. My alpha leader transformed my freshmen year, she showed me what it looked like to follow Christ, to have true freedom, she believed in me at times far more then I believed in myself, she was intentional and real with me, and whenever I needed someone to brighten my day it was always her that did it. She was so good at it too. It was her belief in me and the community that she created that inspired me to apply to be in her position. So I did.

The best Alpha Leader ever... but really.

And then I got it.

And I had absolutely no idea what was coming for me. I had never felt like a real leader in life before, getting that position was the first step toward my journey. The group of freshmen that I got blessed to lead taught me, as cliche as it sounds, to be a leader. They allowed me to be myself and to lead out of the essence of my character. They went along with my crazy ideas (going to Roscoes for our last meeting, pinatas, crazy games, eating a ridiculous amount of dessert every meeting) and they celebrated the beauty of life with me so well. They showered me with love and encouragement and supported me just as much as I sought to support them.

My Alpha Group. The incredible group of people I got to lead.

My alpha leader got the position where she would be leading alpha leaders, and all the irony in the world landed me in her best friend's group, who likewise got the position. The night I found out who I would be led by in this season, I knew I was going to get the leader I got. I knew that in some way, I needed this girl in my life. I have never been so glad I was right in my entire life.

My beautiful Alpha Coordinator (left) and Alpha Leader (right).

My alpha coordinator transformed my sophomore year, she showed me what a woman of God looks like, she showed me the power of vulnerability in leadership, she was the first person I'd call when I needed someone, the first person I wanted to share exciting news with, she was strength when I was struggling, and she was the incredible wisdom that no one else in my life could give to me. She knew me better then I could ever have fathomed someone could in just months of knowing me. She was quite literally Christ's hands and feet in my life.

The group of leaders that surrounded me under her leadership taught me more about community then I have ever learned, they were the people that I laughed hardest with and the people that I preferred to be with over anyone else in life. They believed in me and they fostered in me a leader that finally, began to believe in herself. It was my alpha coordinator's belief in me and the community that surrounded me that inspired me to apply for my leader's position. So I did.

Reunion of my Alpha Coordinator Group, October 2012.

As luck would have it, and definitely as some miracle would have it, I got it.

The night I got the position was roughly one year ago. I remember the tears, the screams, the shock. I remember the crazy stream of praying because I never expected for the e-mail to congratulate me instead of turn me down. I had more emotions in one night then I could even handle. Then it hit me the fears I had, the challenges I knew I would face, but that people believed in me. I knew in my heart I could do it and I did not doubt God's hand in this all.

This past year of leading leaders has taught me leaps and bounds about life and what I want out of it. I realized the power of leading out of brokenness instead of out of my strength. I realized that being real and vulnerable with the people you are leading pays off, having it all together is more of a lie then it would ever be a blessing to those that you lead. I saw the extent that God wants to use me and the big things that He chooses to do with my life and my words. I realized that I can do nothing in it of my own strength, but God sure can do crazy things through me. I realized that life is meaningless if you are not loving those around you, and loving them well. I have overcome more fears then I can count on my fingers. I have experienced more hurt then I have in a long while. But I have experienced more joy and had more breakthroughs then I could ever list. I have learned the meaning of grace, given it out a lot, and been blow away by God's sovereignty amidst that. I have been broken but I have been mended well and all the more beautifully. I have seen how God changes things, redeems things, and heals things that are only in His power to do.

The group of people that lead alongside me the past year have blown my mind and enriched my heart in a multitude of ways. They have filled me up when I was running on empty, they have taken my burdens as their own, and they have loved me so well. I gained five girls that I know are there for me from here on and a handful of incredibly influential men of God that continue to bless my life, and will much past sharing the same leadership title. They have shown me how twelve incredibly diverse individuals can come together for one common purpose, to pour into people that in turn show the entire freshmen class at this university who Jesus is. They have taught me how no one leadership style is supreme, there is power in leading in different ways. They have shown me Christ and they have encouraged the living daylights out of me.

2012 Staff and Alpha Coordinators

The group that I was blessed to lead taught me and tangibly showed me selfless, sacrificial love. They challenged me to love harder, to enjoy life more, and to listen closer because of the way that they lived it themselves. They allowed me to be their rocks even when they know very well how imperfect and broken I am myself. They also were endlessly willing to be my rock whenever I needed them. They have entrusted me with their prayers and their hearts, and they have prayed for me and been willing to hear my own heart as well. They gave me grace, made me laugh at my worst moments, and gave me tears of joy often. They have believed in me relentlessly and encouraged me with all the encouragement I could ever need. They have inspired me with the way that they are so incredibly intentional with each other and love each other where they are at daily. They have taught me, just as I once said in a devotional to them, that I am enough, in my rawest, realest form. It was their belief in me and the community that they continue to create to this day and to this second, that has inspired me... that has changed my entire life.

So blessed by this group of eleven people.

I sit here on November 30th, 2012 with the new found realization that I am no longer a part of the Alpha Program. I am no longer an alphie, no longer an alpha leader, no longer an alpha coordinator. I am no longer on a student leadership contract and for the first time in two and a half years, I am no longer under a technical leadership position at all.

The weirdest realization.

As much as I feel today marks the technical end of a constant throughout my life since I entered college, I cannot for one second lack any amount of thankfulness for where I am at in my life. I was blessed by a program that gave me some of my best friends, that gave me some of the most influential leaders I will ever have in my life, that allowed me to experience God in beautiful ways, that allowed me to learn to believe in myself in ways I never did before. As much as I can think all day long that this is the end of a peak in my life, I know that God has many more peaks to come, He is using this merely to prepare me all the more. Thank you Jesus for so many blessings, for endless love and for choosing to use me, even in all of my brokenness. You are good and you are so faithful.