BEEN TALKIN' ABOUT THE WAY THINGS CHANGE

This morning, when the clock struck midnight, I held two of my dearest friends hands in the most cliché (yet totally necessary way) in a restaurant that we ran into right before it hit the New Year. We didn't want to be driving aimlessly on the freeway when one of the biggest years of our lives began, duh.

So here we were, making friends with our fun waitress, counting down the seconds until 2014.

If our lives were a movie, Rivers and Roads by the Head and the Heart would start playing silently in the background and our seventeen years of formal education would flash before our eyes. But our lives are clearly not some cheesy chick-flick with hunky male counterparts. So here we were ringing in the New Year in an average restaurant with far more than average friends, accepting that New Years is always a weird anticlimactic-sort-of new day.

We also accepted the strange reality that in a year from now, we could, quite literally, be anywhere in the world. Doing anything in the world, alongside anyone. We could spend New Years Eve with friends we know now, with each other, or with people we have yet to even introduce ourselves to. We could be in California, we could be in another country or another continent. We could have our dream job and be in love with our new post-grad adultish life, or we could be struggling, realizing that post-grad life is hard and strange and new all at once.

Our lives are so up in the air, it's weird.

As I sat with my girls ringing in the New Year, we talked about something I never really fully processed yet: we have always known the next step. And this year, that next "obvious" step, well, it vanishes. And it'll never really come back.

There are no obvious steps anymore. Traveling or Grad school or a job, no obvious step. A firm job, a non-profit job, a retail job, no obvious step. Move away, stay local, nothing set in stone, nothing clear.

These are our lives now. With the knowledge that we have to go make a living for ourselves, we can do whatever we choose. Other than the fact that money is stressful (ha), it's liberating to have that weird next step disappear once and for all.

I used to find comfort in being able to say what my plan for the next semester was, or the next school year. It was always revolved around school, a safe ground to fall upon, a step that had to be taken to finish my education. I knew what commitments I had in store for me, I knew who my roommates would be, where I might travel, what ways I felt on my heart to serve. There was little room for anything to really shock me when it came to where my life was headed personally and academically, I had it all mapped out.

In that moment, 12:10AM or whatever time it was, it really hit me: the map ends here.
Like this weird make-believe map we've relied on for so long... it no longer exists.

As much as we hope that wherever we end up after graduation turns into a home so that we no longer long for the bedroom we grew up in and the hometown we've always known, we can't really make any guarentees.

That seems to be the state of my life right now: no guarantees. I have nothing set in stone, other then the fact that I want to follow Jesus and end up right where He wants me to live and serve and love. I mean I have puny plans, plans that could translate into a lot of different jobs (all of which I cannot predict right now.) But for the most part, my future is as unsure as it ever could be, and as it ever has been.

While I may have no idea where I'll be... I know, I JUST KNOW, it's going to be good.

And it's going to be fun, daingett.

WHAT THE HECK IS RELINQUISHMENT

I like to know.
I like preparation.
I like to have a plan.
I like to-do lists.
I like responsibility.
I like consistence.
I like schedules.
I like reliability.

I have realized the past few days, the past few weeks, how much liking those things tends to backfire on me. How liking to have it all together, have things my way, have things happen the quickest and have things happen in the manner that makes the most sense to me is more of a pain then it is worth anything at all. 

Ironically, those two little paragraphs were drafted on my blog as I shut down my computer last night not knowing how to complete the post I began. And God, in his typical ways, knew that these thoughts had to stick around. So, He made sure to not let them leave me. I opened up my Kindle for my nightly dose of reading and began reading the chapter I left off at in the book I'm reading. In the past, it had nothing to do with this thought I had last night. But since God is funny, from the start I could tell it was going to have a direct relation to these thoughts.

It was entitled 'guaranteed uncertainty.'

Oh, how that thought alone makes me cringe.

The chapter in the book went on to explain that uncertainty forces us to depend on God, not on ourselves, not on other people, not on circumstances. It explained how faith does not reduce uncertainty but embraces it. That being spiritually mature means less about having the future all figured out and more about a consistent reliance and sensitivity to the Spirit of God. It mentioned that following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

Um, say whattttttt?

Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

If I wasn't laying down in bed, I would have fallen to my knees. This sentence just shook me. It shook my whole world, if that's possible.

Following Jesus means the way I like to handle things, control things, and know things, just won't work. Point blank. And it's funny how I can read the Gospels and find so many direct correlations to my life in there, things that I want to apply and live out, things I need to work on, things I feel convictions about, but this exact application never has stood out to me. Frankly, I never thought God would have an issue with me liking to be what I would often consider 'responsible, reliable, consistent, and dependable.' I thought it was all good, but while these are indeed qualities I like and admire about myself, sometimes they do close in on my walk with the Lord and on my life. At some point, I have to let things go. Don't we all? I have to just let things be wrong, go wrong, let people screw up, give myself room to screw up. Let things not go my way. Let group projects end up crappy or let someone else in group projects take the reigns and end up doing something brilliant, just not necessarily fitting what I would have imagined. At some point I have to let people plan things a way I am not fond of. Let other people drive. Let my to-do list go. Let preparation hold a back seat to living in the moment and embracing the things that are thrown at me that I can't allot for.

My life needs to stop being a constant pursuit of me trying to look like I have it all together, like I have it all figured out... and it needs to start pointing to the fact that I follow the one that DOES. That does have all this mumbo-jumbo figured out way before I could ever even attempt to.

When I put the Gospels (and the Bible in general, for that matter) in context of this conviction, it becomes pretty clear to me that NONE of the people God used cared about being in control. None. And if they did in the beginning, they didn't once God stirred in their hearts. They didn't have a timeline of when they wanted certain things to happen in life, they didn't have all their years of schooling mapped out and their plan after that to be all set in stone, they didn't even attempt to make their life predictable in the form of lists and maps and spreadsheets (or whatever the Jesus-time equivalent would be). They just let it be. They let God plan and do all the work, and they just listened. They just followed Him day by day. Sure, our life in this time and place is naturally more complex, but don't we often just make it far more complex then it even needs to be?

If Jesus came up to me tomorrow and asked me to follow Him and leave everything behind, including my desire to plan things and know things and control things (because that inherently would be a part of it)... would I? I am beginning to see that even if He doesn't knock on my door tomorrow and ask that question, that question is still necessary every single day to follow Him. I can't do things 'my way', be my own god in some ways, figuring it all out on my own. I can't try and do all this while I am trying to follow the God that wants to be all of that FOR us... and deserves to be... and not to mention, is a whole freaking lot better at it then I am, that's for sure.

Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.

It is voluntarily ceasing to keep our grips on what we think our life should look like, feel like, be like. It is letting our grip go on our expectations, our wishes, our hopes, our lists, our plans, even our dreams for ourselves at times. It is replacing all of that with what God has for us. It is letting go of control in exchange for letting God have all of it. It is open hands and open hearts. It is doing things HIS way because we want to, not because we are forced to. It is trust in the trials and more satisfaction and happiness and peace in the little joys that life brings to us. It is freedom.

I CAN NEVER BE READY

I braced myself for the waiting period.
I braced myself for my fears overriding my end goal, my pursuit, my dream.
I braced myself for the period of time in which I prepare for 'bigger things.'
I braced myself for settling, for the mundane, for the ordinary.

Because for a little bit, all my overanalyzing pointed toward that.
I was thinking about settling for a future of comfort and cubicles because I was fearful that I needed to wait and be equipped. I needed to wait and have everyones approval. I needed to wait until it was comfortable, until I would no longer let anyone down. I needed to wait until the weddings stopped so I never had to tell a friend I couldn't be in theirs. I needed to wait until all the opportunities stopped so I never had to say no. I needed to wait until I got the go ahead.

But what if that day never came.

The past month(ish), I would read the Gospel and instead of focusing on what Jesus did with the years of his life it mentioned, I thought about the thirty years it didn't mention.

I wrote a blog post about it. I even bought a book about it. A book that was literally about the years in Jesus' life that they didn't talk about. I thought as I read this thing I was being shown how maybe I need to wait a while to be used by God in huge, massive ways. I felt unworthy to be used right away, so I thought this was a fair concept. I didn't even stop to think about how much that makes absolutely zero sense. None. None at all.

I was decieved to think that the point was not mentioned in the book. Although, funny thing is, I've never read a novel where the climax wasn't mentioned, the plot was left out, and the important event was never in there.

The point of the Gospel is what's in there. If Jesus cared about me knowing about those thirty years of His life He woulda told me about them. But He didn't.

The point of the Gospel is Jesus. What He did and How He did it. How He loved people, why He loved people, what happened when He loved people. The point is to do the same. Maybe not in the same manner, but with the same end goal.

I had the same end goal, and I pushed it away because I felt I wasn't good enough to be used. I had to be ready. I had to be good enough. Familiar story right? If only Moses, Paul, Peter, and every single person in the Bible could be here so we could sit and share our common bond.

I don't need a waiting period.
You don't either.
We don't need to sit on out butts and stare at a TV screen every night after our 9-5 job waiting for the moment we are equipped enough to be used.
We don't need to wait until we are 'ready...' (what does that even look like?)
We will never be equipped.
It doesn't take being equipped, it takes being willing.

If we stopped thinking it was about being ready and equipped and prepared and adequate then we would never get anything done at all. The point is that we are not ready, but we are willing. We are not equipped, but the Holy Spirit in us is. We are not prepared but Jesus had our destiny in the palm of His hands and being prepared would ruin all the fun of it. We are never going to be adequate, but God never uses those that see themselves as adequate anyways.

I'm sick of making the Gospel so complicated. It's really a lot more simple then I make things sometimes. Love God. Know God. And just do the thing your heart tells you to do and don't let the world hold you back. Who wants to be at the end of their life wishing they did the thing they wanted to do most all those years. Not me. I also don't want to be in Heaven for eternity wishing I did that thing either. I don't want fears to define me. I don't want misconceptions to rule my life. I want Jesus to define me, and His Word to lead my life.

I just never want to have to ask "what if."
I want to live that "what if."

I NEVER PLANNED ON THIS

The truth is: most of the time, I think that I honestly know what's best for me. I pray and pray and pray but often in the back of my head are these thoughts and ideas that most of the time I think come from God and not from me.

The problem is: some of the time, they do come from me. Some of the time, those thoughts are not what's best for me, even if I think with all my heart and mind that they are. Some of the time, I am sadly mistaken. Some of the time, it is not God that breaks my heart but it's me breaking my own heart, thinking that I know what's best for me.

Over a year ago I got an email saying that I was chosen as one of twelve... one of six girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. I applied because I was pushed to by leaders that I trusted and looked up to, but most of the time I didn't really want the position at all. So this little voice in the back of my head began to whisper 'you're not gonna get this position. you aren't meant for this. you aren't going to be good at this. you aren't equipped. you aren't enough. you're meant to do something else." So I believed it. Even the moment before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or 'no,' I prayed with my roommate trying to convince her all of the reasons that this position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation soon there after that pushing myself to do something that I felt not good enough for might just be the best thing for me. I met the group of 11 that would be leading alongside me about a week later or so, and peace flooded my mind.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I surely didn't.

Looking back, I laugh. I shake my head and will proudly claim I didn't know what was best for me. The voices were wrong, my prayers were headed in the wrong direction because of it, but in the end, I leapt out in faith and just as much as God caught me, the 11 people I lead and the 11 people that were leaders alongside me caught me too.

Some of the time I don't know what's best for me.

Yesterday I opened an email saying that I was chosen as one of six... one of three girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. (Sound familiar?) I applied because I felt the little voice in the back of my head saying that I need to be a freshmen RA. Most of the time I claimed if I didn't get that exact position, I didn't want it at all. The little voice told me that I wouldn't be good at any other position, that no other position would fill me, no other position would give me such an ability to change lives. I believed it. Even the moment right before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or a 'no,' I prayed for the only thing I was used to praying for. Freshmen. I felt that if I didn't get them, the position was just not cut out for me.

Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation after an hour long conversation with my mentor, that pushing myself to do something that I felt not passionate enough about, might just be the best thing for me.

I thought I knew what was best for me and I am sure, ask me in six months from now, I'll laugh and shake my head.

The problem with holding tightly to something, is that once we have to let go of it, we are so used to clinging on so tightly with all of our might, that we don't know what hit us. Our hands tremble from releasing our own plans. Letting go hurts. Embracing a plan we didn't think would be put in front of us hurts equally. But if life is about us, if life is about never feeling hurt or pain, then we have a thing or two to learn about living.

Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we have to walk in the fact that we were wrong. And sometimes, plans that change end up being the only plan we could have imagined living.

As we plan and analyze and map out our lives, God probably laughs and shakes His head.

If Jesus was right there in front of me I'd give Him a couple extra high fives and a huge smile for giving me what I didn't want... and then taking seemingly no time to make it really clear that He is right and I am wrong. Wrong yet again.

Here's to laying down my plan at the feet of Jesus, Him lifting the burden off of me of trying to figure out what's best, and letting Him do all the ridiculously brillant behind-the-scenes work.

"There may be things going on inside of us that we do not understand. But when we finally arrive at the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along."

A RESOLUTION + SOME SACRIFICES

The fact of the matter is, the world is not ending tomorrow. At least, I don't believe so and I urge my mom to stop watching crazy doomsday shows and entertaining the idea in the slightest. However, all the hype about it got me thinking... what if my life really did end sometime soon? What if today or tomorrow or the next day was my final day on Earth? What would I be known for, what would I have accomplished, what would my life stand for when it all comes down to it?

It made me question whether or not I am making the most of my life. I know that is a huge loaded question, but really. Seriously. Am I living the life I want to be remembered by? If I were to write down the qualities and characteristics that I wanted people to know about me by the time my life ended on this earth, would they actually be said of me today, right in this moment?

Lets be real. It makes me nervous when I try and search my own heart for what screams like a loudspeaker out of my life. What speaks loud, what sins envelop my life, what passions define me, what drives me, what gives me worth and meaning, what fills up my time? Is my life really about the things that I want them to be about? Woah. Talk about a life that needs some times to be changed, nothing is put into perspective until those questions literally circle my mind.

I used to always hear the statement that the things that define you are the things that you spend your time doing, the things you spend your time thinking about, and the things you spend your money on. In that case, my life is not what I want it to be about on all three accounts. Truth be told, I am not living the life I want to be living and the only thing I can point to blame is my flesh and Satan. I listen to my flesh when it tells me that I need a new dress or need more clothes when I already have more then my closet full and more then enough to clothe me to begin with. I listen to my flesh when it tells me to go on social networking websites instead of spend intentional time with God or with other human beings. I listen to the flesh when I think about what food I am craving and want to go buy for dinner, when I run lines through my mind of things I want to say to people instead of just trust God and leave conversations to come in His hands, I listen to my flesh when I think more about myself then I do about other people and about ultimately, glorifying God above everything. I realize, when I think about all I want to change in my life, how much I truly do not have it all together as much as I think I do sometimes.

The typical Christian cop-out is that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It's true. We all sin, and perfection (thankfully) is not required for us to follow Jesus. But the thing is, I want grace and mercy to cover over my life because of God's goodness not because it's a cover up for living according to my flesh. I don't want his grace to be a cop-out. I want his grace and forgiveness to be an added bonus.

I know that it is a little early to make a New Years Resolution, but I am making one. However, I am praying it doesn't stop there. I am making a Life Resolution. (Cliche I know.) I am cleaning out all the junk in my life. Although my room is currently messy (let's be real, I still have to unpack), my heart feels freedom finally. Freedom because I am vowing to no longer just have these ideas of how my life can depict Christ more, but I am living those ideas. I am doing, not just thinking and praying. I think a big mistake that I often make is that we must always pray and seek God in everything. I agree to that entirely, but sometimes we place the acting upon those prayers and desires last. Instead of just doing something... and then seeking God amidst that and through it all. The biggest mistake we can make is to push aside convictions with the justification that 'I'll just pray about it.' Some things have answers, and they are written right in the book God gifted to us. Some things have clearer answers then we would like to think.

So, I am giving up the excess in my life. With the things that I feel in some way, shape or form define me. I think that if I am striving to represent Christ, I can't represent the world. There is no middle ground I can or should fall upon. It is either all about Him or it isn't about Him at all.

I want people to view me as a person that made her life about other people. A girl that cared more about blessing people with anything they needed then she did about blessing herself with temporary, fleeting things. I want people to view me as loving and selfless not as blinded or selfish. I want people to see Christ's joy inside of me and know that it cannot be found in this world. I want people to view me as clothed with grace and humility more then I want them to view me as clothed with cute outfits. I want people to know me through intentional conversations, coffee dates, and long Skype calls, not through social networking, or even through this blog. I want people to be impacted by Christ's working through me. I want people to come to me when they are at their most broken, I want to be the first person people call. I want to be a life changer that in turn changes the world as people know it. I want to actually believe what the Word says is true... Here me out: I know that the Word is true... but I want to live it in such a way that points to the fact that I believe it with all of my being. I want to live with sacrifices that point to Jesus, I want to live a life that isn't easy but it's good and full because of Jesus. I want to live pouring out blessings on others that in turn, points to Jesus, I want to live in a way that doesn't make sense to this world. Yes, I really just want my life to point to Jesus. And if it is not 100% undoubatably doing that to the people around me, and if I can't be content where I am at in my walk with God. Then things have got to change.

Here's to change, here's to convictions, here's to a new life of freedom. Starting now.
Whatever it takes, Lord. Whatever it takes.

"You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are." 
Joyce Meyer

PLANS, HOPES + HEARTBREAK

To put everything you hold highly at the feet of Jesus is no small task.
It is a really really hard task. It is a task that makes me roll my eyes at myself and my own imperfections. Nothing can make me more astonished at how much farther I want to go in my faith, then realizing the things I haven't entirely let go of. The things I still want control of, I still prioritize, I still cling on to.

"You can't have the blessings God has for you 
until you let go of the things you have clutching in your hands."

Tonight I sat in a chapel that took everything I didn't know I was feeling and needing to hear and slammed it right in my face. I knew I needed to go to that chapel tonight and even canceled plans because of it. Then I ended up realizing every reason why I was there. Blew my mind.

So, the story of Abraham and his son Isaac is no small feat. Abraham was willing to give up the thing that he held the most dear to him, his son, because he knew that God knew best. He was willing to give up what he valued most, because he counted it all as loss compared to knowing God. Talk about an Old Testament story with huge relevance today. God will grant us more then we could ever imagine, plan, or deserve if we are willing to lay the things we value most at His feet, for Him to take or to leave as He desires.

So tonight, I laid it all down.
All of it.
I opened my hands and my heart broke.
My heart literally hurt.
But I knew it was worth it.

I abandoned my flesh, my humanely instincts and gratification, I gave up what is desirable and understood by this world to gain what is smiled at by God. Because as much as people around me may think I am crazy, I know what has been proven to be true to me. Jesus. And craziness is a small price to pay for serving a great God.

I laid future plans at the feet of Jesus.
I laid a desire for a husband and a family at the feet of Jesus.
I laid the little things I hold dear, the big hopes I have, and even the little hopes I keep.
I laid anything that grips my thoughts and I haven't been entirely able to let go of.

Because if I know anything about anything, it's that it is worth it. He's worth it.

AM I DESERVING

I often find myself looking at what I don't have instead of what I do have. Especially recently. You get given something, then it is taken away and you are left with the lie that you somehow 'deserved' that blessing and don't deserve for it to be taken away. Once things are given to us in life, things we really want, we cling onto them and don't allow our hands to let go.

Deserving things is a far fetched lie. A lie I often buy into. Whoever said we deserve squat is severely deceived. Every single thing on Earth is a thing we never deserved in the first place.

The second my mind swaps its natural way of thinking and starts viewing blessings just as they are, undeserved blessings. That is the second my whole perspective on my life changes.

Loss and pain and hurt lead way to us falling into ruts of uncertainty, doubt, confusion, and bitterness. But those emotions fall fast when we realize the fullness and goodness that often eventually comes from hardships and trials. We don't deserve a life that is easy and lacking loss and heartbreak and let downs. Actually, I think often the life we get is a whole lot more full and filled then we ever earned.

If we want to compare ourself against the deserving, Jesus was deserving. And He did not receive even a small ounce of what He should have.

Jesus gives us inherently more then we could ever deserve, ask for, need, or earn.

COMFORT, POWER + OTHER LIES

We like to wish that we had a choice. We like to wish that the universe is at our dispense, in the palm of our hands instead of our creators. We like to plan and schedule and build up this calendar and eventually, this life that revolves around a to-do list and plans that typically change. We like to know what is going to happen next. We like to be in control and shiver when we lack it. In short, we like to play God. Even if we aren't admitting it, we are surely doing it.

We do everything in our power to not admit this though. Especially as Christians. We proclaim "God is in control" and "everything happens for a reason" but I look around and rarely think people truly believe that... at least no one's living it.

I am realizing day by day in a school consisting of people proclaiming to be Christians that we live in a box of comfort and are often engulfed in walls we ourselves create. We don't let people in, we want what we want, and usually that is an easy, comfortable life. We don't like to trust, we don't like to put things in other people's hands.

The thing about Jesus though that boggles my mind and still stuns me, is He never did that. He put His trust in those that He knew would break it. He loved those that did not love Him back. And as much as that is said a million times, I think the second that sets into our little human minds, it would astonish us and draw us to our knees. He LOVED sacrificially and endlessly those that did not love him either of those ways. He gave what He knew He would not receive. He put himself out there, when He knew He would gain nothing in return. He did it because if He didn't, what view would we have of how God loves us? The worst, skewed perspective.

The thing is though: He did not do this without reason or purpose. He did this so we could do the same.

We are called to put our choices aside to some extent, to put the things we clench in the hands of God who created them in the first place, to rip up our lives plans and let God mold and shape them, and to let go of the constant fear of letting someone be in control other then ourselves.

The longer we are trying to be in control, the more we will be controlled by this world and not the goodness and truth of the Gospel.


And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28