The title says it all.
My senior year of college I find myself sitting in my favorite spot on campus on a Tuesday evening, drinking a hot cup of Starbucks chai tea giving perspective, advice and any wisdom and discernment I can muster up, for a freshmen I was blessed with the opportunity to mentor. The fact that I get to do that weekly blows my mind and humbles me to an extent that I could never fully express in words.
Anywho, mid-way through many conversations as my head was spinning and my thoughts were churning, I realized the irony in it all. I am a mere four years older then this beautiful woman of God and yet it seems the same things that I advise her to seek and live out, I myself am having trouble doing the same in. My heart felt weirdly conflicted as the things I felt led to reassure her in and remind her of, were things I don't often remind myself of. Or I don't often believe.
While it was honestly just frustrating in the beginning, it was surprisingly liberating once I processed it all a bit. The beauty in sharing thoughts that you could use yourself is that you see the reality of what changes need to be made in your life. What things you need to work on or pray through in order to truly practice what you preach. Even to see truths that you rarely lived our before because you rarely realized you lacked. From giving advice and then flipping the script on myself I was able to see how I need to do something about it.
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Don't compare friendships. They don't deserve it and neither do you. A one year friendship won't look like a ten year friendship, and that's okay. There is beauty in both of them. Stop trying to force-feed deep relationships, they'll happen. There's something to be said for a friendship that's lasted 8 years, grown through grief and joys and trials and big life decisions. There is also something to be said for friendships that are instantaneously strong and make you feel like you've known the other person forever (when in reality, it's only been a year).
Know what you deserve. Period. Point blank. Not only with men, but in life, in careers, in friendships, in roommates. I can't count on my fingers the number of times in the past that I charged $20 for a design project that most any designer on planet Earth would have charged five times the price for. Also, I can't count the number of times I lacked the bravery to stand up for myself when I should have. Grace does not necessarily equate with getting walked all over.
Speak up. The tongue has the power of life and death, and sometimes it brings life to you to speak things in to existence or to bring up something thats hard on your heart, it's not always just for the other person. In that stems one of the hardest truths that I wrestle with and just blatently suck at living out: confrontation is necessary sometimes. And it doesn't have to look messy or mean and it doesn't always have to be hurtful. Speaking the truth in love is Biblical, and it's something I'm trying to live out lately for sure.
Say yes. But learn how to say no too. You are not racking up God's favor or earning God's love by doing a bunch of things. Just because you are busier or your calender is more full than everyone else's around you, doesn't mean you are somehow pleasing God more. And this is coming from a chick that knows how to lay on the commitments. Commitments amount to so little if you have no time to put into them. Choose what you say yes to wisely.
Learn what's soul care for you. And do it often. This year, soul care meant reading every night before I went to bed, cooking fancy dinners for myself, and watching movies. Next year, I'm striving to try new coffee shops, design for myself for fun (instead of always just designing for clients), and to take morning gym classes to start the day off right. Whether it's bubble baths or art projects or going to shows or museums or writing poetry or spending quality time with friends- do it. It's not selfish. And it's too often forgotten under the pile of 'things to do.'
Give yourself space to not know. We are foolish if we think we are human robots that have to have all the answers. You don't have to have a life plan always. You don't have to be a human encyclopedia. You don't have to have a well-rehearsed answer when people ask you questions about who you are or what you want to do next in life. You aren't God, aka chill. Enjoy life a little.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
ONE HANDWRITTEN PAGE
This afternoon, as I was going through all the stuff I have in boxes from my apartment, I stumbled upon a journal of prayers and ramblings from this past school year. It didn't take long before I was blown away by the prayers God has answered in a years time. Sentence after sentence of my heart spilling I shook my head in disbelief. God heard it all. The innermost prayers of my heart, my closest and deepest desires for others, He answered. He answered them through circumstances, people, through programs and jobs and through miracles and divine appointments. Jesus was there. He was there through this year, when I felt Him so near and when I didn't feel Him at all.
Sometimes it takes something like that. A journal, an old note to myself, an old blog post or prayer list, for me to realize that, indeed, things have changed. God has changed things. God has done things, moved things around, shifted things up a bit. God is not static, and sometimes it takes a reminder like those to realize that.
However, the story shifts here.
Then I got to this one page.
The page of affirmations. Ironically, it brought both the biggest smiles and it brought out some deeply hidden hurts. Views and thoughts and beliefs I really did think were true about people, that were eventually just shattered to pieces. All lies. A page filled with lies I held as truths. I wanted to rip it out because I know it will somehow burn me every time I go back in that book. A book of goodness, that had but one page of lies. I wanted to scream. But ironically, the only person I really wanted to scream at was myself.
This page was rough.
I struggled reading it because more then anything else, I know that I used to set myself up to get hurt by others. In many ways, I set myself up to get hurt by 'me' too. In months since that realization, things have changed in my heart and in my life leaps and bounds. But then, I was filled with lies. Satan's playground was my head and my perspective on myself. I wasn't enough. The best version of me wasn't good enough, and reading that page was a reminder that while somebody else viewed me that way, I viewed myself that way too. I don't know which felt worse.
I didn't guard and protect my heart or my feelings, at all. Not in this friendship. Not in past friendships or relationships. Not really, ever. I didn't know how to. My mindset was so skewed and so confused that I didn't even see it as 'off' or wrong, at all. To me, my heart and my feelings weren't worthy of much at all.
You see, I used to put myself in a box. A box that kept me hidden from who I could be. I was this girl that never believed I was 'good' at much of anything. The box disguised my inner-most thoughts and perceptions about myself. It was a box filled with lots of clothes and makeup and hair dye and nail polish, but the box still kept me in. Unable to change, unable to grow, unable to realize how truly wrong I was. In my head, I wasn't good enough, and no ones affirmations could change that. My thoughts stuck in my head like superglue, others thoughts faded quickly. I didn't view myself as deserving of strong friendships, as worthy of a relationship in which I was actually good enough for someone. To put it simply, no matter who I pinned myself up against to compare the best version of me to, they always won. No matter who they were, I was inferior. Always.
Who knew that a note that was so short, a hearts ramblings that were so easy to write and speak, could have a backlash this great and depth this far down.
While I wanted to rip this page out from my journal and forget it ever existed, it makes even more sense for me to leave it.
I am good enough.
My perception of myself changed
once my heart found comfort
in my lack of ability and power
and God's overabundance of it.
I may not be worthy
of the gracious gifts God grants me,
but I am worthy of good things.
I am a daughter of the King.
Sometimes it takes something like that. A journal, an old note to myself, an old blog post or prayer list, for me to realize that, indeed, things have changed. God has changed things. God has done things, moved things around, shifted things up a bit. God is not static, and sometimes it takes a reminder like those to realize that.
However, the story shifts here.
Then I got to this one page.
The page of affirmations. Ironically, it brought both the biggest smiles and it brought out some deeply hidden hurts. Views and thoughts and beliefs I really did think were true about people, that were eventually just shattered to pieces. All lies. A page filled with lies I held as truths. I wanted to rip it out because I know it will somehow burn me every time I go back in that book. A book of goodness, that had but one page of lies. I wanted to scream. But ironically, the only person I really wanted to scream at was myself.
This page was rough.
I struggled reading it because more then anything else, I know that I used to set myself up to get hurt by others. In many ways, I set myself up to get hurt by 'me' too. In months since that realization, things have changed in my heart and in my life leaps and bounds. But then, I was filled with lies. Satan's playground was my head and my perspective on myself. I wasn't enough. The best version of me wasn't good enough, and reading that page was a reminder that while somebody else viewed me that way, I viewed myself that way too. I don't know which felt worse.
I didn't guard and protect my heart or my feelings, at all. Not in this friendship. Not in past friendships or relationships. Not really, ever. I didn't know how to. My mindset was so skewed and so confused that I didn't even see it as 'off' or wrong, at all. To me, my heart and my feelings weren't worthy of much at all.
You see, I used to put myself in a box. A box that kept me hidden from who I could be. I was this girl that never believed I was 'good' at much of anything. The box disguised my inner-most thoughts and perceptions about myself. It was a box filled with lots of clothes and makeup and hair dye and nail polish, but the box still kept me in. Unable to change, unable to grow, unable to realize how truly wrong I was. In my head, I wasn't good enough, and no ones affirmations could change that. My thoughts stuck in my head like superglue, others thoughts faded quickly. I didn't view myself as deserving of strong friendships, as worthy of a relationship in which I was actually good enough for someone. To put it simply, no matter who I pinned myself up against to compare the best version of me to, they always won. No matter who they were, I was inferior. Always.
Who knew that a note that was so short, a hearts ramblings that were so easy to write and speak, could have a backlash this great and depth this far down.
While I wanted to rip this page out from my journal and forget it ever existed, it makes even more sense for me to leave it.
I am good enough.
My perception of myself changed
once my heart found comfort
in my lack of ability and power
and God's overabundance of it.
I may not be worthy
of the gracious gifts God grants me,
but I am worthy of good things.
I am a daughter of the King.
Take that, you page in my journal.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
JESUS AND PAJAMAS
There is one moment of everyday that I look forward to.
The moment I get home from a long day, desperate for comfort and security and familiarity, longing for peace admist a hectic life and for something that will bring me a little extra joy: the moment I put on my pajamas. If there is any reason I can point to that I am grateful for being a women, it's the thing we all share in common: we look forward to the moment we get home and can take off our makeup and our bra, put our hair up, and put on clothes that speak to comfort more then they speak of trends.
However, there is another moment that I yearn for like no other, that I look forward to and am filled by, in ways that I can't even express in words. The moments of complete surrender, complete worship, complete devotion to Jesus.
The two are more related then you may think.
Tonight I spent quality time with Jesus. You know how coffee dates with a wise person you admire end up making you feel so loved, full of joy, hope, peace, and wisdom? That's how quality time with Jesus makes me feel. I felt like Jesus was as close as the person next to me, close enough to touch, close enough that my singing loudly turned to quiet whispers because He was so near and I knew He heard me loud and clear, even at my quietest. I not only felt Jesus near, I know that He was near. This was my pajama moment before the actual 'pajama moment' even happened.
Quality time worshiping Jesus made me feel uninhibited, unrestricted, that I didn't have to contain or belittle who I am, my joy, my fervor, my enthusiasm, I could sing loudly or whisper softly and dance, I could jump or I could kneel, I could cry tears of joy or tears of longing for more and more of Him. I was free. I felt home. I felt comfort. I felt less concerned with me and more concerned with Him.
The week before finals means the most crazy busy schedule possible. It means non-stop, less rest, less sleep, more work, and a longer to-do list for even after the crazy schedule ends. But this moment with Jesus took all that away, no burdens, no worries, just freedom.
Today was the day that everything kept going wrong and I wondered why the heck bad days are so bad and can't be spread out over good days at all. Like really. There was more things that went wrong then I can count on my fingers, there was changed plans, ruined plans, and frustrations that drove me crazy. However it didn't steal my joy, miraculously enough. And at the end of it all was pajamas and Jesus the entire way through.
Comfort. Familiarity. Vulnerability. Freedom. Open arms.
Even in the worst of moments, I am reminded that I always have Jesus.
And I also have a couple good pairs of pajamas to choose from.
The moment I get home from a long day, desperate for comfort and security and familiarity, longing for peace admist a hectic life and for something that will bring me a little extra joy: the moment I put on my pajamas. If there is any reason I can point to that I am grateful for being a women, it's the thing we all share in common: we look forward to the moment we get home and can take off our makeup and our bra, put our hair up, and put on clothes that speak to comfort more then they speak of trends.
However, there is another moment that I yearn for like no other, that I look forward to and am filled by, in ways that I can't even express in words. The moments of complete surrender, complete worship, complete devotion to Jesus.
The two are more related then you may think.
Tonight I spent quality time with Jesus. You know how coffee dates with a wise person you admire end up making you feel so loved, full of joy, hope, peace, and wisdom? That's how quality time with Jesus makes me feel. I felt like Jesus was as close as the person next to me, close enough to touch, close enough that my singing loudly turned to quiet whispers because He was so near and I knew He heard me loud and clear, even at my quietest. I not only felt Jesus near, I know that He was near. This was my pajama moment before the actual 'pajama moment' even happened.
Quality time worshiping Jesus made me feel uninhibited, unrestricted, that I didn't have to contain or belittle who I am, my joy, my fervor, my enthusiasm, I could sing loudly or whisper softly and dance, I could jump or I could kneel, I could cry tears of joy or tears of longing for more and more of Him. I was free. I felt home. I felt comfort. I felt less concerned with me and more concerned with Him.
The week before finals means the most crazy busy schedule possible. It means non-stop, less rest, less sleep, more work, and a longer to-do list for even after the crazy schedule ends. But this moment with Jesus took all that away, no burdens, no worries, just freedom.
Today was the day that everything kept going wrong and I wondered why the heck bad days are so bad and can't be spread out over good days at all. Like really. There was more things that went wrong then I can count on my fingers, there was changed plans, ruined plans, and frustrations that drove me crazy. However it didn't steal my joy, miraculously enough. And at the end of it all was pajamas and Jesus the entire way through.
Comfort. Familiarity. Vulnerability. Freedom. Open arms.
Even in the worst of moments, I am reminded that I always have Jesus.
And I also have a couple good pairs of pajamas to choose from.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
JESUS ISN'T LIKE ME
Hm. These past couple days have been a whirlwind. Thinking, processing, resting, and working really really hard to achieve balance in my life. To be where I want to be. To not settle. To not give up. To give more and to see myself everyday more and more as I believe Christ sees me.
It is an interesting process. Not easy, but not as hard as I thought it to be either.
You see, in the time before I came to know the Lord I was in the depths of brokenness, there was no light at the end of the tunnel I was walking into, just more and more darkness. I was stuck in a world where the only way I viewed myself was in the lens of being over-critical and unloving.
Then I met Jesus.
He was nothing like me. His Word thrived off of throwing away a judgmental attitude and embracing loving-kindness and grace. Sure, I had tried to practice those things towards others, even before I was a Believer, but I hadn't tried once to practice those things on myself.
One of the biggest lies I believe we are sometimes fed is that everything we do as Christians is fulfilled by acting a certain way towards others. Being loving to your neighbor, turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, practicing humility, honoring your parents, and giving towards others. While it is true that people should come before ourselves ultimately, if we neglect ourselves we have lost grip of who Jesus was and is.
Jesus practiced loving-kindness, grace, and compassion on himself just as much as He did to others.
I am trying to learn to do the same.
I am trying to rid my life of lies that I have been fed and have fed myself as well, and change my perspective completely. Jesus is teaching me that its okay to give myself grace, and actually, I should give myself an ample amount because I am human and perfection isn't tangible nor beneficial. Jesus is teaching me that in order to love others fully, I have to love myself and know myself. Jesus is teaching me that underneath a girl that is her own worst critic is a girl that is just trying to believe that she is enough. In learning to 'be enough' for myself, I am seeing that I am, whether I see it all the time or not, enough for others and enough for Jesus.
Today I am thankful for creative inspiration, pushing myself hard at the gym, cute (and really cheap) containers at Ikea, really yummy homemade salad dressing, perfect weather, laughing during ab workouts with my roommate, homework that excites me, catching up with friends across the world, new journals, feeling confident, and for today marking two months of choosing to no longer allow stress and anxiety in my life. I am blessed.
It is an interesting process. Not easy, but not as hard as I thought it to be either.
You see, in the time before I came to know the Lord I was in the depths of brokenness, there was no light at the end of the tunnel I was walking into, just more and more darkness. I was stuck in a world where the only way I viewed myself was in the lens of being over-critical and unloving.
Then I met Jesus.
He was nothing like me. His Word thrived off of throwing away a judgmental attitude and embracing loving-kindness and grace. Sure, I had tried to practice those things towards others, even before I was a Believer, but I hadn't tried once to practice those things on myself.
One of the biggest lies I believe we are sometimes fed is that everything we do as Christians is fulfilled by acting a certain way towards others. Being loving to your neighbor, turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, practicing humility, honoring your parents, and giving towards others. While it is true that people should come before ourselves ultimately, if we neglect ourselves we have lost grip of who Jesus was and is.
Jesus practiced loving-kindness, grace, and compassion on himself just as much as He did to others.
I am trying to learn to do the same.
I am trying to rid my life of lies that I have been fed and have fed myself as well, and change my perspective completely. Jesus is teaching me that its okay to give myself grace, and actually, I should give myself an ample amount because I am human and perfection isn't tangible nor beneficial. Jesus is teaching me that in order to love others fully, I have to love myself and know myself. Jesus is teaching me that underneath a girl that is her own worst critic is a girl that is just trying to believe that she is enough. In learning to 'be enough' for myself, I am seeing that I am, whether I see it all the time or not, enough for others and enough for Jesus.
Today I am thankful for creative inspiration, pushing myself hard at the gym, cute (and really cheap) containers at Ikea, really yummy homemade salad dressing, perfect weather, laughing during ab workouts with my roommate, homework that excites me, catching up with friends across the world, new journals, feeling confident, and for today marking two months of choosing to no longer allow stress and anxiety in my life. I am blessed.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
THIS ONE SEASON (TRUST + APPRECIATING SINGLENESS)
In the midst of my friends engagement today, my best friend getting married, and relationships and marriage surrounding me seemingly everywhere, I have had profound peace and joy and excitement about this season in my life. Like, a peace and excitement that only comes from the Lord, because Lord knows at times I am so antsy for Him to bring me the man of God He has for me.
This season I used to see as being interim.
As being the in-between period between a season of being in a leadership position that rocked my world, blessed me beyond words, and changed my life completely and a season to come of God knows what. I saw this season as purposeless before I entered into it. I was confused as to why God would want me to have purely school for a semester, interning all the time, design jobs like crazy, and homework up the ying-yang. But God is good. And sovereign. And His purpose is there even when I don't see it. There is purpose in this season. There is purpose in the homework, in the long hours, in the eye pain from staring at a computer screen for so long... it all has a purpose.
No matter if it seems like most people are able to see a bigger picture of getting married (and who they are getting married to) and having children- there is purpose in me not seeing that right now.
There is a reason why I am single. There is a reason why I don't have my whole life planned out (actually I have none of it planned out, not even next semester). There is a reason that my summer plans are up in the air. There is a reason that I know no reasons for things that happened and things still to come. Whether its to trust God, whether its to feel freedom that you can't feel when plans consume your life, whatever the reason is, I trust that God has one.
I used to focus so much on all the lives around me that are experiencing things I don't have and instead, I have learned to focus my attention on my own life. All the blessings. All the goodness. All the reasons I am where I am and not where other people are. I realized I can't base this 'timeline' of my life off of other peoples timelines. That's unrealistic and strange, quite frankly.
I can't base my happiness on what other people have that I am lacking.
It sounds obvious, but I sometimes I think maybe its not so obvious.
In the church marriage is thrown around like it's no big deal. Like.... what? I guess I don't understand when I think about it. But somewhere in the midst of it I have begun to believe that getting engaged and married not long after you exit teenage-hood is normal. If I am 30 and single, life will go on and life will still be so good and I will remain so, so thankful. I can't get caught up in what's all around me and forget that I am where I need to be right now.
Singleness has a lot of good things to it. A LOT. I forget it sometimes. I want what other people have. But also, if I had what other people had, in many senses, I think I would want to be where I am at right now. I might be jealous of the life I have right now. Truly. I am seeing all the blessings and throwing away all the junk that shouldn't hold as much power as it sometimes does. And it feels good.
I know that I am right in the palm of God's hands and I am experiencing God in beautiful ways every single day, why would I want someone else's life when my life is so full and so joy-filled?
In this season I never expected to learn and see all I have so far. I have learned what its like to trust in God and trust that freedom is real and possible. I have learned what wholeness and mending feels like, and that it takes time and doesn't mean I lack cracks and imperfections altogether. I have realized that pushing aside my passions and giftings does nothing for me, there is a reason God hands us talents and the reason is to use them. This is maybe just a season of using them and building my confidence as an artist and trusting there is purpose in that. I have learned that I am good enough for Jesus, that lesson seems to be a reoccurring theme and reminded in my life. I have learned more about singleness from being in a crappy relationship then I ever learned from actually being single, and that's a disguised blessing in so many ways. I have learned and grown and been creatively stimulated daily in this season that I once thought was an awkward in-between. What I once thought would lack purpose, is filled with purpose at every angle and to every end. There is power in me being here, while it seems the rest of the world around me is somewhere else. I need to be here. And here feels pretty good.
No matter what everyone else thinks about it or no matter where everyone else is, God's given me some good reminders that there is purpose always.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
This season I used to see as being interim.
As being the in-between period between a season of being in a leadership position that rocked my world, blessed me beyond words, and changed my life completely and a season to come of God knows what. I saw this season as purposeless before I entered into it. I was confused as to why God would want me to have purely school for a semester, interning all the time, design jobs like crazy, and homework up the ying-yang. But God is good. And sovereign. And His purpose is there even when I don't see it. There is purpose in this season. There is purpose in the homework, in the long hours, in the eye pain from staring at a computer screen for so long... it all has a purpose.
No matter if it seems like most people are able to see a bigger picture of getting married (and who they are getting married to) and having children- there is purpose in me not seeing that right now.
There is a reason why I am single. There is a reason why I don't have my whole life planned out (actually I have none of it planned out, not even next semester). There is a reason that my summer plans are up in the air. There is a reason that I know no reasons for things that happened and things still to come. Whether its to trust God, whether its to feel freedom that you can't feel when plans consume your life, whatever the reason is, I trust that God has one.
I used to focus so much on all the lives around me that are experiencing things I don't have and instead, I have learned to focus my attention on my own life. All the blessings. All the goodness. All the reasons I am where I am and not where other people are. I realized I can't base this 'timeline' of my life off of other peoples timelines. That's unrealistic and strange, quite frankly.
I can't base my happiness on what other people have that I am lacking.
It sounds obvious, but I sometimes I think maybe its not so obvious.
In the church marriage is thrown around like it's no big deal. Like.... what? I guess I don't understand when I think about it. But somewhere in the midst of it I have begun to believe that getting engaged and married not long after you exit teenage-hood is normal. If I am 30 and single, life will go on and life will still be so good and I will remain so, so thankful. I can't get caught up in what's all around me and forget that I am where I need to be right now.
Singleness has a lot of good things to it. A LOT. I forget it sometimes. I want what other people have. But also, if I had what other people had, in many senses, I think I would want to be where I am at right now. I might be jealous of the life I have right now. Truly. I am seeing all the blessings and throwing away all the junk that shouldn't hold as much power as it sometimes does. And it feels good.
I know that I am right in the palm of God's hands and I am experiencing God in beautiful ways every single day, why would I want someone else's life when my life is so full and so joy-filled?
In this season I never expected to learn and see all I have so far. I have learned what its like to trust in God and trust that freedom is real and possible. I have learned what wholeness and mending feels like, and that it takes time and doesn't mean I lack cracks and imperfections altogether. I have realized that pushing aside my passions and giftings does nothing for me, there is a reason God hands us talents and the reason is to use them. This is maybe just a season of using them and building my confidence as an artist and trusting there is purpose in that. I have learned that I am good enough for Jesus, that lesson seems to be a reoccurring theme and reminded in my life. I have learned more about singleness from being in a crappy relationship then I ever learned from actually being single, and that's a disguised blessing in so many ways. I have learned and grown and been creatively stimulated daily in this season that I once thought was an awkward in-between. What I once thought would lack purpose, is filled with purpose at every angle and to every end. There is power in me being here, while it seems the rest of the world around me is somewhere else. I need to be here. And here feels pretty good.
No matter what everyone else thinks about it or no matter where everyone else is, God's given me some good reminders that there is purpose always.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
There is a purpose.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
THE LIE I ONCE BELIEVED
The question is... what traits define us?
The ones that others say encapsulate our lives?
The ones that we say depict our lives?
Or the ones that God proclaims to be truth?
After a deep conversation with friends yesterday on this, I went home running the conversation through my head. I realized how often I am stuck in a bubble of things that other people view me to be. As much as affirmations and encouragement is phenomenal, sometimes I sit back and see a common theme. I see myself as A, B, or C and am left wondering if that is all there is to me. Then, as much as I consciously probably never realized it, most of the time I actually start to believe what other people say. I take the affirmations and view them as my strengths. Then I look at all the things I wish people said about me but don't, and sometimes actually believe I lack those qualities altogether.
Then of course, there are tests after tests done to try and make us figure out the things we are good at, our passions, our strengths, what defines us. I see a common theme emerging. We let everyone and everything else tell us who we are, and we are left not even figuring out who we are ourselves.
What a shame.
What a shame that I would rather spend my time and my days with music blaring, people around me talking, tv shows on, the radio going, and on and on and on. What a shame that I can't actually sit with my own thoughts for longer then ten minutes or just sit and figure out where I'm at and what I need.
In an attempt to be community based, to be extraverted, to be outgoing, we have left ourselves neglected in a sense. Other people define us more then we choose what we want our own life and our own heart to look like.
When I began to follow Jesus I was not loving.
Or so I thought. I am still lost in translation when it comes to figuring out if I really lacked the ability to love people well or if the couple people that told me I was unloving made such a dent in my perception of myself that I actually believed it to be truth. But nonetheless, I believed for years, truly and wholeheartedly, that I just was not a loving person. God has created all these people around me that were loving and I just began to believe I was not created that way. I was opinionated, I said what I believed, I was stubborn occasionally and I had yet to learn what it felt like to walk in other shoes. So in light of all of that, in the eyes of those that I let hold weight in my life, it led them to view me as unloving.
It sucked.
For years as I struggled to find Jesus and find myself too, I felt I lacked the one 'quality' that Jesus clearly and repeatedly emphasized for His followers to have. That was one of the hardest loops to jump through in my walk with God. I felt that the things people put on me and led me to believe about myself were things that somehow God put on me too. God never told me that I was unloving though and the minute I stopped letting people's affirmations and judgements make or break my perception of myself, was the minute everything changed.
I am not unloving. The Holy Spirit enables my heart to forgive and love in ways that doesn't make sense to even me sometimes. Love is also not an innate characteristic or quality, it's a choice. A mindset that you have to put on every single day that pushes you and guides you to view others as better then yourself. If I continued on believing I was unloving, I think one day I truly would have been wholeheartedly unloving.
People's opinions cannot make or break who we believe ourselves to be.
If they do, our lives will be a tangled mess of other's peoples judgements.
Affirmations are great, just don't neglect the things you don't get affirmed in and view them as entirely not present in your life. Personality tests are great, but your personality and strengths are more then a internet test can present to you. Friends opinions are great, but God's opinion is better and holds infinitely more weight.
The ones that others say encapsulate our lives?
The ones that we say depict our lives?
Or the ones that God proclaims to be truth?
After a deep conversation with friends yesterday on this, I went home running the conversation through my head. I realized how often I am stuck in a bubble of things that other people view me to be. As much as affirmations and encouragement is phenomenal, sometimes I sit back and see a common theme. I see myself as A, B, or C and am left wondering if that is all there is to me. Then, as much as I consciously probably never realized it, most of the time I actually start to believe what other people say. I take the affirmations and view them as my strengths. Then I look at all the things I wish people said about me but don't, and sometimes actually believe I lack those qualities altogether.
Then of course, there are tests after tests done to try and make us figure out the things we are good at, our passions, our strengths, what defines us. I see a common theme emerging. We let everyone and everything else tell us who we are, and we are left not even figuring out who we are ourselves.
What a shame.
What a shame that I would rather spend my time and my days with music blaring, people around me talking, tv shows on, the radio going, and on and on and on. What a shame that I can't actually sit with my own thoughts for longer then ten minutes or just sit and figure out where I'm at and what I need.
In an attempt to be community based, to be extraverted, to be outgoing, we have left ourselves neglected in a sense. Other people define us more then we choose what we want our own life and our own heart to look like.
When I began to follow Jesus I was not loving.
Or so I thought. I am still lost in translation when it comes to figuring out if I really lacked the ability to love people well or if the couple people that told me I was unloving made such a dent in my perception of myself that I actually believed it to be truth. But nonetheless, I believed for years, truly and wholeheartedly, that I just was not a loving person. God has created all these people around me that were loving and I just began to believe I was not created that way. I was opinionated, I said what I believed, I was stubborn occasionally and I had yet to learn what it felt like to walk in other shoes. So in light of all of that, in the eyes of those that I let hold weight in my life, it led them to view me as unloving.
It sucked.
For years as I struggled to find Jesus and find myself too, I felt I lacked the one 'quality' that Jesus clearly and repeatedly emphasized for His followers to have. That was one of the hardest loops to jump through in my walk with God. I felt that the things people put on me and led me to believe about myself were things that somehow God put on me too. God never told me that I was unloving though and the minute I stopped letting people's affirmations and judgements make or break my perception of myself, was the minute everything changed.
I am not unloving. The Holy Spirit enables my heart to forgive and love in ways that doesn't make sense to even me sometimes. Love is also not an innate characteristic or quality, it's a choice. A mindset that you have to put on every single day that pushes you and guides you to view others as better then yourself. If I continued on believing I was unloving, I think one day I truly would have been wholeheartedly unloving.
People's opinions cannot make or break who we believe ourselves to be.
If they do, our lives will be a tangled mess of other's peoples judgements.
Affirmations are great, just don't neglect the things you don't get affirmed in and view them as entirely not present in your life. Personality tests are great, but your personality and strengths are more then a internet test can present to you. Friends opinions are great, but God's opinion is better and holds infinitely more weight.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE MOSES
"He loves you.
Three words that,
fully appreciated,
have the power to set your life
on fire for Him.
God doesn't want you
to be Moses, friend.
to be Moses, friend.
He wants you to be you
loving Him."
loving Him."
Sometimes we forget.
Or at least I do.
I forget that God's love is not conditional. Sometimes I forget that God sees my heart, in the most vulnerable, intimidating way, but also in the most beautiful, revealing kind of a way. When you put your heart and soul into loving God and serving Him, the little things sort of fade away. We often cling to the little things, the past, our faults, the personality traits we wish we could change in ourselves, the imperfections in relationships we have, or whatever it may be. I am realizing that if I worry about all the little parts of my life, about getting everything perfect, getting everything right, I will surely drive myself mad (and everyone around me mad for that matter).
The Christian walk is not about being the perfect person. Sounds overused, but really. How often do we subconsciously think that we are striving towards perfection. Perfection as the world sees it though I don't believe is perfection as God sees it at all. Perfection is a never ending game in which we will without question lose. If we strive toward perfection, we will indeed fail again and again, and in the end, perfection will be our God instead of the King of Kings being the one we serve. Perfection, as it turns out, I feel like is more about us then it is about serving Jesus. Perfection is about the reputation, the exterior, what people think about our life or our walk with God. Serving God in humility, in brokenness, acknowledging our faults and failures and seeking Christ knowing that we don't have it all together- I feel like that's what we yearn for, even though sometimes it is all covered up in this attempt to be perfect.
It isn't about being Moses or Paul or whoever you look at in the Bible as being the person that had it all together. It also isn't about being the friend or sibling or leader in your life that you view as having a perfect life either. Please, for the sake of your sanity and walk with God, throw away the subconscious mindset of trying to be more like anyone on this Earth. Try and be more like Jesus, and be okay with seeking to be more of the person God created you to be. Try being more like you. There is a reason you are the way that you are, refine it and embrace it, enjoy it and love it, stop picking you apart.
God doesn't want you to be Moses. He wants you to just be you. What a relief, huh?
[Quote by Angie Smith in Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole]
Saturday, December 22, 2012
MY OWN WORDS BEING USED AGAINST ME
Point blank: rejection sucks. It sucks when in some ways you reject yourself, you try and prove yourself to be not enough in some way, shape, or form. It sucks when you feel rejected or that you are not enough by your own family. It sucks when you feel rejected in a friendship. And it sucks when you get rejected in a relationship.
Earlier tonight I was driving back from a bachelorette party for two engaged friends, my heart was split in half. Half of my heart screaming 'I want that Lord, I want that so bad' and the other half of my heart breathing a sigh of relief that all those things married people have to worry about I won't have to even think about for God knows how long. But I think that the worst lie that was thrown in my face after talking to God about my desire in a lot of ways to be in their shoes, was the lie that I am not enough and that is why I am not in a relationship, let alone engaged. The thought 'I am not enough' is indeed a lie. And I don't know about you, but it has tormented me in more ways then one. The thought of it alone can bring tears to my eyes because of the hold and power it has had in my life. There has definitely been times where I feel the whole world is just screaming 'Megan you're just not good enough' or 'Megan you're just not smart enough' or 'Megan you're just not pretty enough.' If there is one line that breaks me down and wrecks my heart it is the thought of not being enough. I like to feel worth and value and I like to feel loved and cherished, the thought of not being enough rips that to shreds.
All the irony in the world though is behind me caring about whether or not other people view me as 'enough.' Because #1, I know it is a lie. And #2, I once did a devotional on it that had more people then I can count on my fingers thanking me for speaking something into existence that they truly needed (blew my mind).
It's sad how sometimes our flesh likes to mislead us, away from the truth that our heart knows and into, in many ways, Satan's territory. Tonight I am reminding myself that I am enough because Jesus says so.
No relationship on this Earth, no matter how great it is, can give me the type of reassurance and worth that Jesus gives me. Plain and simple. People opinions, as heavy and burdening as they can sometimes be, actually hold no power. How often do I focus on being enough in the world's eyes and not how I just really desire to be enough in God's eyes. And I am. I am enough in God's eyes because I love him and want His Will, I want to bring glory to His name, I want to bring the Kingdom to this Earth. The petty things don't hold weight like they do on this Earth. If looks or intelligence or being enough for some boy is going to hold weight, then clearly we need to redirect our eyes on what matters to the Lord.
When I set my eyes on the idea that I am not enough, Satan wins. And Satan, you may not win. You are a loser and you will lose in the end anyways.
“Stop determining your worth and value by what other people say. Be determined by what the Word of God says.”
Joyce Meyer
Earlier tonight I was driving back from a bachelorette party for two engaged friends, my heart was split in half. Half of my heart screaming 'I want that Lord, I want that so bad' and the other half of my heart breathing a sigh of relief that all those things married people have to worry about I won't have to even think about for God knows how long. But I think that the worst lie that was thrown in my face after talking to God about my desire in a lot of ways to be in their shoes, was the lie that I am not enough and that is why I am not in a relationship, let alone engaged. The thought 'I am not enough' is indeed a lie. And I don't know about you, but it has tormented me in more ways then one. The thought of it alone can bring tears to my eyes because of the hold and power it has had in my life. There has definitely been times where I feel the whole world is just screaming 'Megan you're just not good enough' or 'Megan you're just not smart enough' or 'Megan you're just not pretty enough.' If there is one line that breaks me down and wrecks my heart it is the thought of not being enough. I like to feel worth and value and I like to feel loved and cherished, the thought of not being enough rips that to shreds.
All the irony in the world though is behind me caring about whether or not other people view me as 'enough.' Because #1, I know it is a lie. And #2, I once did a devotional on it that had more people then I can count on my fingers thanking me for speaking something into existence that they truly needed (blew my mind).
It's sad how sometimes our flesh likes to mislead us, away from the truth that our heart knows and into, in many ways, Satan's territory. Tonight I am reminding myself that I am enough because Jesus says so.
No relationship on this Earth, no matter how great it is, can give me the type of reassurance and worth that Jesus gives me. Plain and simple. People opinions, as heavy and burdening as they can sometimes be, actually hold no power. How often do I focus on being enough in the world's eyes and not how I just really desire to be enough in God's eyes. And I am. I am enough in God's eyes because I love him and want His Will, I want to bring glory to His name, I want to bring the Kingdom to this Earth. The petty things don't hold weight like they do on this Earth. If looks or intelligence or being enough for some boy is going to hold weight, then clearly we need to redirect our eyes on what matters to the Lord.
When I set my eyes on the idea that I am not enough, Satan wins. And Satan, you may not win. You are a loser and you will lose in the end anyways.
“Stop determining your worth and value by what other people say. Be determined by what the Word of God says.”
Joyce Meyer
Friday, November 30, 2012
THE END OF A CONSTANT
You see, I came to college knowing nothing about what would hit me. (Do we ever?) I thought it would be a fun four years of change and maturity and fun and learning. I had no idea what I was in for.
I had no idea that my pursuit of education would turn into a pursuit of loving people better then I loved getting good grades. I had no idea that my pursuit of maturity would turn into a pursuit of being a better leader. I had no idea that my desire to study abroad would turn into serving (not studying) during a two month long trip to Tanzania. I had no idea that my desire to learn would result in learning more about myself then I have ever learned from a textbook. I had no clue what was coming.
However, amidst all of this change and growth during these incredible two and a half years, there has been one thing that has changed everything.
Alpha.
I was immediately put into an alpha group the first night I moved in to college. I had no idea what that even meant, nor what impact this group would have on my life... this whole program would have on my life. My alpha leader transformed my freshmen year, she showed me what it looked like to follow Christ, to have true freedom, she believed in me at times far more then I believed in myself, she was intentional and real with me, and whenever I needed someone to brighten my day it was always her that did it. She was so good at it too. It was her belief in me and the community that she created that inspired me to apply to be in her position. So I did.
And then I got it.
And I had absolutely no idea what was coming for me. I had never felt like a real leader in life before, getting that position was the first step toward my journey. The group of freshmen that I got blessed to lead taught me, as cliche as it sounds, to be a leader. They allowed me to be myself and to lead out of the essence of my character. They went along with my crazy ideas (going to Roscoes for our last meeting, pinatas, crazy games, eating a ridiculous amount of dessert every meeting) and they celebrated the beauty of life with me so well. They showered me with love and encouragement and supported me just as much as I sought to support them.
My alpha leader got the position where she would be leading alpha leaders, and all the irony in the world landed me in her best friend's group, who likewise got the position. The night I found out who I would be led by in this season, I knew I was going to get the leader I got. I knew that in some way, I needed this girl in my life. I have never been so glad I was right in my entire life.
My alpha coordinator transformed my sophomore year, she showed me what a woman of God looks like, she showed me the power of vulnerability in leadership, she was the first person I'd call when I needed someone, the first person I wanted to share exciting news with, she was strength when I was struggling, and she was the incredible wisdom that no one else in my life could give to me. She knew me better then I could ever have fathomed someone could in just months of knowing me. She was quite literally Christ's hands and feet in my life.
The group of leaders that surrounded me under her leadership taught me more about community then I have ever learned, they were the people that I laughed hardest with and the people that I preferred to be with over anyone else in life. They believed in me and they fostered in me a leader that finally, began to believe in herself. It was my alpha coordinator's belief in me and the community that surrounded me that inspired me to apply for my leader's position. So I did.
As luck would have it, and definitely as some miracle would have it, I got it.
The night I got the position was roughly one year ago. I remember the tears, the screams, the shock. I remember the crazy stream of praying because I never expected for the e-mail to congratulate me instead of turn me down. I had more emotions in one night then I could even handle. Then it hit me the fears I had, the challenges I knew I would face, but that people believed in me. I knew in my heart I could do it and I did not doubt God's hand in this all.
This past year of leading leaders has taught me leaps and bounds about life and what I want out of it. I realized the power of leading out of brokenness instead of out of my strength. I realized that being real and vulnerable with the people you are leading pays off, having it all together is more of a lie then it would ever be a blessing to those that you lead. I saw the extent that God wants to use me and the big things that He chooses to do with my life and my words. I realized that I can do nothing in it of my own strength, but God sure can do crazy things through me. I realized that life is meaningless if you are not loving those around you, and loving them well. I have overcome more fears then I can count on my fingers. I have experienced more hurt then I have in a long while. But I have experienced more joy and had more breakthroughs then I could ever list. I have learned the meaning of grace, given it out a lot, and been blow away by God's sovereignty amidst that. I have been broken but I have been mended well and all the more beautifully. I have seen how God changes things, redeems things, and heals things that are only in His power to do.
The group of people that lead alongside me the past year have blown my mind and enriched my heart in a multitude of ways. They have filled me up when I was running on empty, they have taken my burdens as their own, and they have loved me so well. I gained five girls that I know are there for me from here on and a handful of incredibly influential men of God that continue to bless my life, and will much past sharing the same leadership title. They have shown me how twelve incredibly diverse individuals can come together for one common purpose, to pour into people that in turn show the entire freshmen class at this university who Jesus is. They have taught me how no one leadership style is supreme, there is power in leading in different ways. They have shown me Christ and they have encouraged the living daylights out of me.
The group that I was blessed to lead taught me and tangibly showed me selfless, sacrificial love. They challenged me to love harder, to enjoy life more, and to listen closer because of the way that they lived it themselves. They allowed me to be their rocks even when they know very well how imperfect and broken I am myself. They also were endlessly willing to be my rock whenever I needed them. They have entrusted me with their prayers and their hearts, and they have prayed for me and been willing to hear my own heart as well. They gave me grace, made me laugh at my worst moments, and gave me tears of joy often. They have believed in me relentlessly and encouraged me with all the encouragement I could ever need. They have inspired me with the way that they are so incredibly intentional with each other and love each other where they are at daily. They have taught me, just as I once said in a devotional to them, that I am enough, in my rawest, realest form. It was their belief in me and the community that they continue to create to this day and to this second, that has inspired me... that has changed my entire life.
I sit here on November 30th, 2012 with the new found realization that I am no longer a part of the Alpha Program. I am no longer an alphie, no longer an alpha leader, no longer an alpha coordinator. I am no longer on a student leadership contract and for the first time in two and a half years, I am no longer under a technical leadership position at all.
The weirdest realization.
As much as I feel today marks the technical end of a constant throughout my life since I entered college, I cannot for one second lack any amount of thankfulness for where I am at in my life. I was blessed by a program that gave me some of my best friends, that gave me some of the most influential leaders I will ever have in my life, that allowed me to experience God in beautiful ways, that allowed me to learn to believe in myself in ways I never did before. As much as I can think all day long that this is the end of a peak in my life, I know that God has many more peaks to come, He is using this merely to prepare me all the more. Thank you Jesus for so many blessings, for endless love and for choosing to use me, even in all of my brokenness. You are good and you are so faithful.
I had no idea that my pursuit of education would turn into a pursuit of loving people better then I loved getting good grades. I had no idea that my pursuit of maturity would turn into a pursuit of being a better leader. I had no idea that my desire to study abroad would turn into serving (not studying) during a two month long trip to Tanzania. I had no idea that my desire to learn would result in learning more about myself then I have ever learned from a textbook. I had no clue what was coming.
However, amidst all of this change and growth during these incredible two and a half years, there has been one thing that has changed everything.
Alpha.
I was immediately put into an alpha group the first night I moved in to college. I had no idea what that even meant, nor what impact this group would have on my life... this whole program would have on my life. My alpha leader transformed my freshmen year, she showed me what it looked like to follow Christ, to have true freedom, she believed in me at times far more then I believed in myself, she was intentional and real with me, and whenever I needed someone to brighten my day it was always her that did it. She was so good at it too. It was her belief in me and the community that she created that inspired me to apply to be in her position. So I did.
 |
| The best Alpha Leader ever... but really. |
And I had absolutely no idea what was coming for me. I had never felt like a real leader in life before, getting that position was the first step toward my journey. The group of freshmen that I got blessed to lead taught me, as cliche as it sounds, to be a leader. They allowed me to be myself and to lead out of the essence of my character. They went along with my crazy ideas (going to Roscoes for our last meeting, pinatas, crazy games, eating a ridiculous amount of dessert every meeting) and they celebrated the beauty of life with me so well. They showered me with love and encouragement and supported me just as much as I sought to support them.
 |
| My Alpha Group. The incredible group of people I got to lead. |
 |
| My beautiful Alpha Coordinator (left) and Alpha Leader (right). |
The group of leaders that surrounded me under her leadership taught me more about community then I have ever learned, they were the people that I laughed hardest with and the people that I preferred to be with over anyone else in life. They believed in me and they fostered in me a leader that finally, began to believe in herself. It was my alpha coordinator's belief in me and the community that surrounded me that inspired me to apply for my leader's position. So I did.
 |
| Reunion of my Alpha Coordinator Group, October 2012. |
The night I got the position was roughly one year ago. I remember the tears, the screams, the shock. I remember the crazy stream of praying because I never expected for the e-mail to congratulate me instead of turn me down. I had more emotions in one night then I could even handle. Then it hit me the fears I had, the challenges I knew I would face, but that people believed in me. I knew in my heart I could do it and I did not doubt God's hand in this all.
This past year of leading leaders has taught me leaps and bounds about life and what I want out of it. I realized the power of leading out of brokenness instead of out of my strength. I realized that being real and vulnerable with the people you are leading pays off, having it all together is more of a lie then it would ever be a blessing to those that you lead. I saw the extent that God wants to use me and the big things that He chooses to do with my life and my words. I realized that I can do nothing in it of my own strength, but God sure can do crazy things through me. I realized that life is meaningless if you are not loving those around you, and loving them well. I have overcome more fears then I can count on my fingers. I have experienced more hurt then I have in a long while. But I have experienced more joy and had more breakthroughs then I could ever list. I have learned the meaning of grace, given it out a lot, and been blow away by God's sovereignty amidst that. I have been broken but I have been mended well and all the more beautifully. I have seen how God changes things, redeems things, and heals things that are only in His power to do.
The group of people that lead alongside me the past year have blown my mind and enriched my heart in a multitude of ways. They have filled me up when I was running on empty, they have taken my burdens as their own, and they have loved me so well. I gained five girls that I know are there for me from here on and a handful of incredibly influential men of God that continue to bless my life, and will much past sharing the same leadership title. They have shown me how twelve incredibly diverse individuals can come together for one common purpose, to pour into people that in turn show the entire freshmen class at this university who Jesus is. They have taught me how no one leadership style is supreme, there is power in leading in different ways. They have shown me Christ and they have encouraged the living daylights out of me.
 |
| 2012 Staff and Alpha Coordinators |
 |
| So blessed by this group of eleven people. |
The weirdest realization.
As much as I feel today marks the technical end of a constant throughout my life since I entered college, I cannot for one second lack any amount of thankfulness for where I am at in my life. I was blessed by a program that gave me some of my best friends, that gave me some of the most influential leaders I will ever have in my life, that allowed me to experience God in beautiful ways, that allowed me to learn to believe in myself in ways I never did before. As much as I can think all day long that this is the end of a peak in my life, I know that God has many more peaks to come, He is using this merely to prepare me all the more. Thank you Jesus for so many blessings, for endless love and for choosing to use me, even in all of my brokenness. You are good and you are so faithful.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A WEIRD QUESTION
The other day I was interviewing someone for a leadership position and for some reason felt led to ask a specific question. Definitely not the typical interview question, came from left field perhaps.
"Do you believe in yourself?"
The question made the girl tilt her head in confusion and ask for clarification.
Who knew a question so simple could seem to be so difficult to understand.
I understood why it was confused, no one asks that question these days.
Everyone you get interviewed by seems to care more about the letter of recommendations, what other people have to say about you, then what you say about yourself.
I read a quote by Joyce Meyer today that said "80% of people's problems are about how they feel about themselves." I think Joyce Meyer would have understood my question quite well. The biggest thing that stands between people and their dreams, goals, and whatever big plans God has for them, is quite often, usually just themselves.
It is funny how we need an army of people to affirm us how great we are, or how smart we are, or how pretty we are, or funny we are, or how great of a leader we are, or how loving we are, and we can't just rest content that we are enough. Just as we are.
It is a never ending game of trying to be better for other people, even as much as they affirm us, we will never feel we are good enough until we affirm ourselves. Crazy idea huh? The idea of our own opinions of ourselves holding as much weight as other peoples? The idea that who God says we are would soak up in our minds so much so that it would become our own perception of ourselves. The day we actually believe and trust in who God tells us we are, is the day the whole world opens up.
I believe that the Holy Spirit living inside of us is what makes us allowed to believe in ourselves to a level that seems ridiculous. We can believe we are capable of Kingdom things, we are capable of loving people like Christ loves us, we can believe our lives are worth something more then making a lot of money and producing more humans for the Earth's population. We can believe in the power that lies in a human beings life, because the same God that created you is the very power that works through you.
"Do you believe in yourself?"
The question made the girl tilt her head in confusion and ask for clarification.
Who knew a question so simple could seem to be so difficult to understand.
I understood why it was confused, no one asks that question these days.
Everyone you get interviewed by seems to care more about the letter of recommendations, what other people have to say about you, then what you say about yourself.
I read a quote by Joyce Meyer today that said "80% of people's problems are about how they feel about themselves." I think Joyce Meyer would have understood my question quite well. The biggest thing that stands between people and their dreams, goals, and whatever big plans God has for them, is quite often, usually just themselves.
It is funny how we need an army of people to affirm us how great we are, or how smart we are, or how pretty we are, or funny we are, or how great of a leader we are, or how loving we are, and we can't just rest content that we are enough. Just as we are.
It is a never ending game of trying to be better for other people, even as much as they affirm us, we will never feel we are good enough until we affirm ourselves. Crazy idea huh? The idea of our own opinions of ourselves holding as much weight as other peoples? The idea that who God says we are would soak up in our minds so much so that it would become our own perception of ourselves. The day we actually believe and trust in who God tells us we are, is the day the whole world opens up.
I believe that the Holy Spirit living inside of us is what makes us allowed to believe in ourselves to a level that seems ridiculous. We can believe we are capable of Kingdom things, we are capable of loving people like Christ loves us, we can believe our lives are worth something more then making a lot of money and producing more humans for the Earth's population. We can believe in the power that lies in a human beings life, because the same God that created you is the very power that works through you.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A DECLARATION
I am happy.
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
Spending the past four days at home has literally rocked my world. In ways I never imagined. I am left puzzled and confused on how good I feel compared to the past month of my life. I have found beauty in the things that used to seem so ugly and horrible. I have gotten to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have counted my blessings and they have overflown, much over the hardships.
I have gotten to journal, listen to worship music in the peace and quiet of my own room, read the Word, and seek the Lord intentionally everyday. It has been beautiful. It has been God and I, no interruptions. None.
While the word 'broken heart' may be strong, I feel like anything I had close to it, God has mended. God has fixed what someone broke, hallelujah. He is always so willing to fix what the world tears apart. He wants our heart, He wants to pursue us, He wants to woo us and shower love on us. He wants us to attempt to adore Him as unceasingly He adores us. Woah. My heart now doesn't hurt because of some dumb boy, it hurts because of the times I didn't wake up in downright awe of all God has given me and in awe of how He views me as His beloved. If that doesn't make me fall to my knees, I don't know what can. He loves me with a crazy powerful, relentless kind of a love. He loves me the way the world never could.
I have found that home is not only refuge and rejuvenation but it is truth. It is the place where God met me nearly seven years ago and began to break my heart and mend my heart all at the same time. He made me into one of His. This is the room I prayed in for a lot of the things I now possess. This is the house I first sought the Lord in on my own. This is the room I gave up a lot of dreams for myself and allowed God to open my heart to His dreams for me. This is the place I made hard life decisions, lost friendships, mended friendships, this is the place I figured out hard news and heard good news, this is the place eighteen years of my life were spent. This place holds history. This is the bed I wept on and prayed one day I would be good enough for someone. I am realizing I got that wish to the infinite degree, just not in the way I wanted in that moment. I wanted to be good enough for some boy, I laugh at that now. I now feel peace in the fact that I am okay with not being good enough for a boy, if in my entire life boy after boy breaks my heart, my heart is still somehow very much so whole because of Christ. I am good enough for Him. And He is enough for me.
I am declaring peace over running lines over and over in my head of things I wish I did differently. I am declaring hope over believing in shallow lies. I am declaring endurance and steadfastness over conforming to self-ridicule and doubt. I am declaring sacrificial love and grace even when sometimes it gets misused and I grow weary of giving it. I am declaring trust even with the constant reminder that it can be broken. I am declaring patience over having all the answers. I am declaring joy because I just want it bad, plain and simple.
I am declaring that life is good because Jesus is good to me. So good to me.
When God created humans he saw us and saw that it was very good.
I want to be as satisfied with the life I have been handed as God was with giving me this life.
I am blessed.
Too blessed.
"Every day I wake up and thank God for another day. It's not a big ceremony. It's just something I do to calm my soul. I am a blessed person and I feel it's important to acknowledge that fact."
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