THIS MOMENT + THE MOMENT I HAVEN'T GOTTEN YET

I am good at dreaming big. I am good at coming up with extravagant ideas to execute later in life or when God gives me the go-ahead. I am good at planning for down the road. I am good at dreams of changing the world. Those dreams come often and easily. I am good at imagining up my family coming to know Christ. I feel confident in my visions and bigger pictures, bigger hopes. I tend to have BIG, big dreams that the world sometimes laughs at and doesn't 'get.'

I can do all of that.

What I can't seem to do most of the time is the little things in the moments I'm given right now. And the reality is, a person's life is a culmination of their days, not their days that have yet to come.

I don't always know how to make the most of one day, in Simi Valley, in America, when it seems there is so little that can be accomplished and transformed in suburbia. I am not good at dreaming dreams that transform the moments right now.

This seems to mark a frustrating tension. There is so much beauty in impacting and magnifying these moments right now. I forget that the day to day, average life can be just as powerful and God-glorifying then my going out and trying my attempt at changing the nations. And who says that sharing the love of Jesus to someone who has forgotten it or hasn't been reminded of it in a rich city like my hometown, isn't as God-honoring as showing the love of Jesus to a little child in Africa that is sick with HIV? Both point to Jesus. Both point to being used by God where we find ourselves in that moment.

What a privilege that we have grace from God, and that Jesus understands that some days scream KINGDOM COME and some days scream JOY IN THE MUNDANE, and both of those point to Him.

I am laying down the burden that every single day of my life has to be filled with miraculous transformation and visible answered prayers and crazy visions and me trying to be the most perfect version of myself.

Following Jesus day by day, dreaming those big dreams but realizing the power in this moment, right here- I am beginning to see and know that that is enough for Him.

THIRTY YEARS

Today I got coffee with a friend and had perhaps the most needed and eye-opening conversation possible. It was actually astonishing how relevant and powerful talking with her was. I went home and took notes (for real). It was like hearing direct words from Jesus, her voice was simply the vessel. Wow, thank you LORD.

We talked about the constant struggle to be present and live in the now (the now surely seems mundane and repetitive sometimes). We discussed how confusing it is and frustrating it is to keep waiting and seeking a big moment, when you are living in the midst of little moments that end up being missed as a result. We talked about how we have this skewed perception that God's Will and His Plans are at Point B and we are still at Point A waiting to get through the in-between to finally get there. We miss (or forget or don't realize) that God's Will is in us, and among us, and around us and it doesn't take getting to another season or point in life to reach that. God has that for me now. Woah.

She then mentioned the fact that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30.

Then it all clicked. I truly feel like in that moment, everything in my life made sense. A burden had been lifted and I felt like the sea lacking clarity and purpose in my life had been parted (or even vanished for that matter).

Jesus spent the years of His life that aren't mentioned in the Bible doing the same mundane, repetitive things that we do sometimes. He spent those years honoring his parents, probably having play dates as a kid, sleeping, eating, getting educated, pursuing a job, working, building relationships, traveling, and going to church.

Jesus spent thirty years getting to live out life and endure hardships (ex: His dad's passing) in order to know where humans are coming from. He walked the walk before He began to talk the talk I suppose.

He may have seen some crazy miracles, but He also may not have. He may have changed a million lives, but at that point maybe He hadn't gotten even close to yet. It took thirty freaking years though. Thirty years of Jesus being patient. Thirty years of Jesus learning. Thirty years of Jesus loving those around Him. Thirty years of Him becoming even more intimate with God the Father perhaps. Thirty years of Him learning the problems humans face.

Every single one of those years had a purpose that brought Him to where He needed to be.

Jesus then, kinda looks like me right now. Going through the repetitive, mundane, enduring the small things and waiting for God to hand you the big thing you are yearning for. Jesus waited though. He lived in the now, was blessed by the now and needed all those years to prepare Him for where God was going to bring Him.

Every single day and seasons and year has incredible purpose. Even if we don't see it.

If you don't feel like you are being used as much as you think you should be, rest assure, Jesus maybe didn't feel like that either in those years. But know one thing, God's got you. He's got you. And instead of viewing it as useless seasons of waiting or preparing, view it as purposeful seasons of serving in the ordinary things and making the Kingdom known in the day-to-day. Who says that isn't just as powerful as loving orphans in Africa? Make the Kingdom known in the lives of people who have lost a grip on that because of life's many distractions and love without ceasing in this world where love like that is hard to come by.

"It was because Jesus faithfully performed the smallest duties that the greatest task in all the world was given him."

A HEADLAMP + A FLASHBACK

Last night I opened up the top drawer in my desk before going to bed, found an old headlamp and proceeded to use it as my nightlight while reading the Word in my bed.

Tears welded up in my eyes when I began and I could not seem to focus on the words.

All I could think about was being thousands of miles away from home, dirty and tired and aware of all my brokenness, in an old bunk bed surrounded by a mosquito net and lots of mosquitos with my headlamp on reading the Word.

It was a weird parallel, to say the least.

It reminded me of how differently we experience God when He is all that we have. As I laid there in my bed last night the Word wasn't as vibrant as it usually always is. I felt dull and my life felt mundane. When I was in Africa in that same circumstance, the Word felt the farthest thing from vibrant and my life felt the furthest thing from dull and mundane.

The Word holds such power and life, always. But it's interesting that when we need it the most it makes the most sense. It is brought alive and made so much more real the second we are defeated, broken, tired, hungry, heartbroken, suffering, when we feel alone or neglected or unworthy- the Word is so real in those moments.

I want to always need the Word. I want to rely on it and yearn for it and be fulfilled by the Word alone.

I want it to always be that way and I am frustrated the moments it isn't.

Lord, speak to me.

NEGLECTING YOUR HEARTS WORDS

I think that the hardest battle I have ever faced is the one that has never left me. The battle of my heart speaking things that my mind doesn't want to absorb or agree with. My heart is intimate with Jesus. My mind is often distracted by what makes sense to the world; more specifically, mostly, what makes sense to my parents.

You see, I can dream big all day long, I can wish that I had the guts to live out what's on my heart, but often I push those thoughts aside beside truthfully, perhaps I live my life for my parents a lot more then I'd like to believe. I do what makes sense to the world a lot more then I wish I did. I neglect what the Holy Spirit and my heart tell me, because in my head I got here from my parents, I owe them something. I forget, I am here ultimately because of God. I forget sometimes that my only goal in life is to love God, to know God, and to love people so that they would see Him in me and be driven to do the same. I forget, I forget, I forget... how sad.

Today I am trying to speak truth into the lies I believe. The lie that it's wrong of me to have a crazy life that doesn't make sense to nonbelievers. I think, the humanity in me is scared to have a life that the world scoffs at, I know that our lives as Christians shouldn't make sense to the world, but sometimes the thought of that is bizarre.

Today I am thankful that God has some crazy plan that I shouldn't even attempt to comprehend. God is God. I'll let Him do His job and I'll work on mine: obedience.

Lord, I trust you, where you call me I will go. I am yours.