At the end of last week I returned from a ten-day backpacking trip
that was required as part of the training to be a Resident Advisor at my
university (the position that I have stepped into for this year.) To
say that this trip was transformational and eye-opening, ridiculously
stretching and hard, extremely joy-filled and fun, and just straight-up incredible,
would be the understatement of the century. Ten days was all it took to
completely change mindsets, challenges and struggles, and perceptions I
held for far too long.
There is, frankly, a million
different directions that I could go off into about things that I was
shown, answers God gave me, encouragement God spoke to me, and
truth-bombs that others spoke into my life that will surely never fade.
But there was one truth that I was faced with on Day 1 that rocked my
experience and broke me down to the core so that all I could face was
who I was, who God is to me, and the place God's people have in my life.
The
morning we left I woke up at 3AM to take my final shower, go pre-trip
the huge commercial van I was going to drive up there, and be ready to
leave by 4AM. Once we left a few thoughts crossed my mind, the main one
being 'Why did I volunteer to drive the van? Why didn't I know I was going to leave so early?' After six or so hours of driving, my teammates got hours of solid nap-time and there I was.... drained. I was already
exhausted and we hadn't even started yet. To make matters 10x better, I
was now I was given the knowledge that the first day we got there was
going to be our longest and hardest day of backpacking. We got to the
wilderness, put on our packs that were literally as heavy as a toddler
and nearly as large as me, and began our 6-mile hike to get to our first
day's destination by nightfall. Throw in the worst stomach ache,
nausea, and dizziness imaginable half-way through the hike... and that
was me on day one. I was mentally beat, physically struggling
beyond what I can even express in words, and I had no clue how I was
going to live through this trip. I questioned a lot, doubted myself a
ton, and called myself weak more then I ever had viewed myself as weak
in my lifetime.
On day one I was forced to rely on others.
And that's hard for a girl that thrives on independence and loves to do
it all on her own. I was forced to cling to girls that I had just met because I couldn't do
that day on my own. I had no choice but to cry on the first day, even
though I swore I would do all it took to never cry on this trip. Day one
I faced lies that were spoken into my life of not being good enough, or
strong enough... of being weak, of being too this or too that. Day one I
had to lean on people and lean on God even more so.
Day one said both a lot and very little about what the rest of the trip had in store for me.
About
five days or so into the trip I was stuck back again in the position of
being forced to rely on others and incapable of doing it all on my own.
I screwed up my right ankle and was in a lot of physical pain as I
tried to navigate huge rocks and tall inclines. I am not the
person that ever sprains or hurts herself physically in ways like this,
so it was almost laughable that the time I am in the wilderness for ten
days I mess up my ankle. The rest of the trip the hikes consisted of me
being consistently in the back because of my ankle. It took longer for
me because I didn't want to risk going fast and hurting myself worse. I had to go slow. I had to ask others to help me down when the hill was steep or the rocks were too far apart. I had to grab out for hands that offered to help.
It
started out as frustrating but by the end of the trip it was
liberating. I felt like I defeated the part of my prideful heart that
cares about being first or best or fastest or most recognized. I was last and I was injured and I was slow
and during the infamous run at the end of the trip, I was physically
unable to run the 9 miles that most of my team ran, I had to run the
smallest increment... 3 miles. In my heart, I felt like 'unrecognized' was stamped on my forehead.
And it was freaking beautiful.
It
was beautiful to realize firsthand that there is so much more power and
hope and grace and love in reaching out to the person that's last then
there ever is in pridefully trying to be first or best just to pat
yourself on the back. I got yet another clear picture of the beauty of
people being put far before your own desires or expectations. I realized
that yes, God does indeed use pain to bring about strength. I saw how
strength is made most beautiful when its evened out by a healthy dose of
weakness and vulnerability.
So I'll be that girl that now allows herself to be inconvenienced for the sake of others. Because it changes things.
It changes a lot. Putting yourself aside for the sake of someone else
doesn't just bless others, it directly points to Jesus Christ, who did
that in the most perfect, unimaginable way.
