THE OLD + THE NEW

My summer thus far has been filled with late night Bible studies, solo worship seshes, and diy projects when my creative brain is being stirred at 1am. It has consisted of Illustrator, InDesign and Photoshop constantly being opened on my computer because the design opportunities are being thrown at me (and I am able to say yes to them all). It has been filled with my friends becoming fiance's and my best friend becoming a bride, it has been enriched by nights with my parents eating popcorn and ice cream and watching old movies in the living room of the only childhood home I've ever had. I have made the garage into my favorite spot, spray painting thrifted items and staining things until my hearts content. My room has been a mess consistently because I have favored spontaneous outings with my friends and art over cleanliness (and its a beautiful thing).

My room and many other rooms in my house are invaded by boxes ready for August to hit so they can be opened and moved back into my normal life and routine and home an hour away, at school. But for now, my life here seems purposeful, restful, and beautiful.

This summer has marked the first time, excluding school breaks, that I have been at home long-term since high school. (And we all know how much change goes on during three years of college... a whole freaking truck load of it.) Going into my senior year of college, it seems intentional that this would be the last time I get to truly embrace home before I graduate and begin life physically apart from all that represents my childhood. It has been a soul-searching few weeks. Full of figuring out my callings in life, enjoying my giftings in life, and appreciating all that I have in this home, in this town, and with the people who have known me forever.

As much as there is beauty in the new; there is beauty in new friendships, in change, in new homes and new experiences. I think often, I find myself favoring it over the old. And I am beginning to realize that makes no sense.

There is immense purpose and beauty in the old. In friendships that have endured for more years then you can count on your fingers at once, in the little bedroom that has always been yours as long as you have lived, there is beauty in the neighbors that have seen you go from a child to an adult, there is beauty in spending time on the street you learned to ride a bike on, there is beauty in Sunday mornings at church in the place you were baptized at over five years ago. There is beauty in reuniting with mentors that you haven't seen for ages that dramatically influenced your walk with God, there is beauty in running errands with old friends that can equally embrace silence as they can embrace words.

Sometimes, in some ways, it is easier to throw off your past and embrace all that is good and new that comes into your life. I know that attempt and pursuit well. Strategically avoiding people I used to know at the gym and hiding from old classmates in Target, I know it well, trust me. I like my life, as it is, a new clean-slate without the baggage of rebellious years.

But if we throw off our past and forget the purpose that God wove into it so intentionally, then we leave out a big chunk of the puzzle that God intended for.

Sure, old friendships come with more junk, with more hurt and more struggles but they also come with endurance, they come with a deep understanding of each other that only time can bring you, they come with a solid foundation, they come with a sisterhood and mutual understanding that can't be formed overnight.

Sure, old stomping grounds come with painful memories, they come with old emotions that may come back to haunt you, they come with junk. But they also come with an extraordinary amount of overcoming, they come with joy and happy memories, they come with purpose because you had to go through stuff to get you to where you are at today.

The new will eventually be old, and you can't just throw off everything vintage and rusty and antique in your life because you don't want to deal with it. You can't forget the beauty that comes with the old. Hold onto it. Remember how God used it all for His purpose.

Remember how you needed that to get you to this.

THE 1AM BIBLE STUDY

This summer I am trying to work through books in the Bible that I never fully grasped, those that (simply said) are blank, underline-less, circle-less, and more apparently, note-less, in my Bible. The books that ruin me and convict me and speak to me look like I took class notes all in the margins. The book of Daniel though, stood like an empty canvas. Waiting for God to teach me things, tell me things, open my eyes up, and show me more of His heart.

And that He did.

My 1AM bible study realization (which are becoming quite frequent these summer nights) is that sometimes you don't get it right on the first try. Sometimes your humanity sucks you up and your flesh rules you instead of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, unfortunately, you don't listen, sometimes you go back to old, comfortable, familiar ways, sometimes you forget convictions, sometimes you choose the easy route. Sometimes, as humans, we screw up. But it doesn't mean God runs out of giving you chances. This is the thing I never really can grasp in my faith.

I can't grasp it because it isn't like me. It is so counter-cultural, it makes no sense to the world, and sometimes when I dissent it, it makes no sense to me either (ha). When people in my life suck the life out of me, when I feel like I am giving someone a million chances and things never change, my inclination is to just let that relationship go. And selfishly, life is easier without those people.

But grace means holding on.
And God holds on.

Through the first six chapters of Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzar is the prime example of God's grace and divine mercy. Grace and mercy that don't just end when God 'feels like it.' God holds on to Him, but God doesn't make it an easy road when Nebuchadnezzar chose his flesh instead of choosing God.

Nebuchadnezzar's life makes it almost painfully clear that God gives us chances. But His life also shows that the chances may become more painful, the trials may be harder, the refining to get you to be like gold may be rougher, but He doesn't stop with his mercy and grace just because you go back to old ways. He gives chances. He gives a way back to living in Him, He gives a way back to His throne.

God gives chances.

I love that one of the most powerful and unique things about God is that He doesn't give up. We humans throw in the towel when giving out grace drains us, but then there's God's ways. God finds satisfaction in the fact that in the end, all the glory is His. He gives out grace and in the end, His grace shouts from our lives. All the glory is His in the end, because He gives us something that we can't do ourselves, that we can't give ourselves, that we as humans, simply cannot do like He can.

FOOLISHNESS + FREEDOM

The other day as I was reading I stumbled on something that sparked my interest. A Hebrew word for praise, "halal." While in some cases it means to shine or to celebrate, it also often means "clamorously foolish."

Hm.

Clamorously foolish?
Worship?

Of course, clamorously at first just sounded like a cool word and meant nothing to me, so I looked up that word for more context. I came across the definition of "insistently demanding attention" or "marked by loud outcry."

In other words: a Hebrew word for 'praise' and 'worship,' halal, means a kind of foolishness that demands attention, that is very apparently loud and seemingly intensely passionate. If that word were to be put in human form I could bet that person would not be hiding in the background, they would not be steering clear from making decisions that others would mark as crazy, it would not mean a fearful life that attempts to always avoid opposition, it would not mean holding back, living in comfort and safety, or living in some self-constructed bubble.

Clamorously foolish means praising God. It means worshiping our creator.

Clamorously foolish means doing things for His Kingdom that don't make sense to some people, doing things that may mark you as crazy in some people's eyes but brilliantly obedient and healthily crazy in God's. It means being fearless, being free from restraint and self-doubt. It means singing louder, worshiping freer, risking more, trusting more, living more. It means being one of those rare people that doesn't revolve their life around pleasing everybody else. It means revolving your life around praising God and pleasing Him.

I could take a lesson in living out halal.