I braced myself for the waiting period.
I braced myself for my fears overriding my end goal, my pursuit, my dream.
I braced myself for the period of time in which I prepare for 'bigger things.'
I braced myself for settling, for the mundane, for the ordinary.
Because for a little bit, all my overanalyzing pointed toward that.
I was thinking about settling for a future of comfort and cubicles because I was fearful that I needed to wait and be equipped. I needed to wait and have everyones approval. I needed to wait until it was comfortable, until I would no longer let anyone down. I needed to wait until the weddings stopped so I never had to tell a friend I couldn't be in theirs. I needed to wait until all the opportunities stopped so I never had to say no. I needed to wait until I got the go ahead.
But what if that day never came.
The past month(ish), I would read the Gospel and instead of focusing on what Jesus did with the years of his life it mentioned, I thought about the thirty years it didn't mention.
I wrote a blog post about it. I even bought a book about it. A book that was literally about the years in Jesus' life that they didn't talk about. I thought as I read this thing I was being shown how maybe I need to wait a while to be used by God in huge, massive ways. I felt unworthy to be used right away, so I thought this was a fair concept. I didn't even stop to think about how much that makes absolutely zero sense. None. None at all.
I was decieved to think that the point was not mentioned in the book. Although, funny thing is, I've never read a novel where the climax wasn't mentioned, the plot was left out, and the important event was never in there.
The point of the Gospel is what's in there. If Jesus cared about me knowing about those thirty years of His life He woulda told me about them. But He didn't.
The point of the Gospel is Jesus. What He did and How He did it. How He loved people, why He loved people, what happened when He loved people. The point is to do the same. Maybe not in the same manner, but with the same end goal.
I had the same end goal, and I pushed it away because I felt I wasn't good enough to be used. I had to be ready. I had to be good enough. Familiar story right? If only Moses, Paul, Peter, and every single person in the Bible could be here so we could sit and share our common bond.
I don't need a waiting period.
You don't either.
We don't need to sit on out butts and stare at a TV screen every night after our 9-5 job waiting for the moment we are equipped enough to be used.
We don't need to wait until we are 'ready...' (what does that even look like?)
We will never be equipped.
It doesn't take being equipped, it takes being willing.
If we stopped thinking it was about being ready and equipped and prepared and adequate then we would never get anything done at all. The point is that we are not ready, but we are willing. We are not equipped, but the Holy Spirit in us is. We are not prepared but Jesus had our destiny in the palm of His hands and being prepared would ruin all the fun of it. We are never going to be adequate, but God never uses those that see themselves as adequate anyways.
I'm sick of making the Gospel so complicated. It's really a lot more simple then I make things sometimes. Love God. Know God. And just do the thing your heart tells you to do and don't let the world hold you back. Who wants to be at the end of their life wishing they did the thing they wanted to do most all those years. Not me. I also don't want to be in Heaven for eternity wishing I did that thing either. I don't want fears to define me. I don't want misconceptions to rule my life. I want Jesus to define me, and His Word to lead my life.
I just never want to have to ask "what if."
I want to live that "what if."
