Hm. These past couple days have been a whirlwind. Thinking, processing, resting, and working really really hard to achieve balance in my life. To be where I want to be. To not settle. To not give up. To give more and to see myself everyday more and more as I believe Christ sees me.
It is an interesting process. Not easy, but not as hard as I thought it to be either.
You see, in the time before I came to know the Lord I was in the depths of brokenness, there was no light at the end of the tunnel I was walking into, just more and more darkness. I was stuck in a world where the only way I viewed myself was in the lens of being over-critical and unloving.
Then I met Jesus.
He was nothing like me. His Word thrived off of throwing away a judgmental attitude and embracing loving-kindness and grace. Sure, I had tried to practice those things towards others, even before I was a Believer, but I hadn't tried once to practice those things on myself.
One of the biggest lies I believe we are sometimes fed is that everything we do as Christians is fulfilled by acting a certain way towards others. Being loving to your neighbor, turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, practicing humility, honoring your parents, and giving towards others. While it is true that people should come before ourselves ultimately, if we neglect ourselves we have lost grip of who Jesus was and is.
Jesus practiced loving-kindness, grace, and compassion on himself just as much as He did to others.
I am trying to learn to do the same.
I am trying to rid my life of lies that I have been fed and have fed myself as well, and change my perspective completely. Jesus is teaching me that its okay to give myself grace, and actually, I should give myself an ample amount because I am human and perfection isn't tangible nor beneficial. Jesus is teaching me that in order to love others fully, I have to love myself and know myself. Jesus is teaching me that underneath a girl that is her own worst critic is a girl that is just trying to believe that she is enough. In learning to 'be enough' for myself, I am seeing that I am, whether I see it all the time or not, enough for others and enough for Jesus.
Today I am thankful for creative inspiration, pushing myself hard at the gym, cute (and really cheap) containers at Ikea, really yummy homemade salad dressing, perfect weather, laughing during ab workouts with my roommate, homework that excites me, catching up with friends across the world, new journals, feeling confident, and for today marking two months of choosing to no longer allow stress and anxiety in my life. I am blessed.
