THE END OF A CONSTANT

You see, I came to college knowing nothing about what would hit me. (Do we ever?) I thought it would be a fun four years of change and maturity and fun and learning. I had no idea what I was in for.

I had no idea that my pursuit of education would turn into a pursuit of loving people better then I loved getting good grades. I had no idea that my pursuit of maturity would turn into a pursuit of being a better leader. I had no idea that my desire to study abroad would turn into serving (not studying) during a two month long trip to Tanzania. I had no idea that my desire to learn would result in learning more about myself then I have ever learned from a textbook. I had no clue what was coming.

However, amidst all of this change and growth during these incredible two and a half years, there has been one thing that has changed everything.

Alpha.

I was immediately put into an alpha group the first night I moved in to college. I had no idea what that even meant, nor what impact this group would have on my life... this whole program would have on my life. My alpha leader transformed my freshmen year, she showed me what it looked like to follow Christ, to have true freedom, she believed in me at times far more then I believed in myself, she was intentional and real with me, and whenever I needed someone to brighten my day it was always her that did it. She was so good at it too. It was her belief in me and the community that she created that inspired me to apply to be in her position. So I did.

The best Alpha Leader ever... but really.

And then I got it.

And I had absolutely no idea what was coming for me. I had never felt like a real leader in life before, getting that position was the first step toward my journey. The group of freshmen that I got blessed to lead taught me, as cliche as it sounds, to be a leader. They allowed me to be myself and to lead out of the essence of my character. They went along with my crazy ideas (going to Roscoes for our last meeting, pinatas, crazy games, eating a ridiculous amount of dessert every meeting) and they celebrated the beauty of life with me so well. They showered me with love and encouragement and supported me just as much as I sought to support them.

My Alpha Group. The incredible group of people I got to lead.

My alpha leader got the position where she would be leading alpha leaders, and all the irony in the world landed me in her best friend's group, who likewise got the position. The night I found out who I would be led by in this season, I knew I was going to get the leader I got. I knew that in some way, I needed this girl in my life. I have never been so glad I was right in my entire life.

My beautiful Alpha Coordinator (left) and Alpha Leader (right).

My alpha coordinator transformed my sophomore year, she showed me what a woman of God looks like, she showed me the power of vulnerability in leadership, she was the first person I'd call when I needed someone, the first person I wanted to share exciting news with, she was strength when I was struggling, and she was the incredible wisdom that no one else in my life could give to me. She knew me better then I could ever have fathomed someone could in just months of knowing me. She was quite literally Christ's hands and feet in my life.

The group of leaders that surrounded me under her leadership taught me more about community then I have ever learned, they were the people that I laughed hardest with and the people that I preferred to be with over anyone else in life. They believed in me and they fostered in me a leader that finally, began to believe in herself. It was my alpha coordinator's belief in me and the community that surrounded me that inspired me to apply for my leader's position. So I did.

Reunion of my Alpha Coordinator Group, October 2012.

As luck would have it, and definitely as some miracle would have it, I got it.

The night I got the position was roughly one year ago. I remember the tears, the screams, the shock. I remember the crazy stream of praying because I never expected for the e-mail to congratulate me instead of turn me down. I had more emotions in one night then I could even handle. Then it hit me the fears I had, the challenges I knew I would face, but that people believed in me. I knew in my heart I could do it and I did not doubt God's hand in this all.

This past year of leading leaders has taught me leaps and bounds about life and what I want out of it. I realized the power of leading out of brokenness instead of out of my strength. I realized that being real and vulnerable with the people you are leading pays off, having it all together is more of a lie then it would ever be a blessing to those that you lead. I saw the extent that God wants to use me and the big things that He chooses to do with my life and my words. I realized that I can do nothing in it of my own strength, but God sure can do crazy things through me. I realized that life is meaningless if you are not loving those around you, and loving them well. I have overcome more fears then I can count on my fingers. I have experienced more hurt then I have in a long while. But I have experienced more joy and had more breakthroughs then I could ever list. I have learned the meaning of grace, given it out a lot, and been blow away by God's sovereignty amidst that. I have been broken but I have been mended well and all the more beautifully. I have seen how God changes things, redeems things, and heals things that are only in His power to do.

The group of people that lead alongside me the past year have blown my mind and enriched my heart in a multitude of ways. They have filled me up when I was running on empty, they have taken my burdens as their own, and they have loved me so well. I gained five girls that I know are there for me from here on and a handful of incredibly influential men of God that continue to bless my life, and will much past sharing the same leadership title. They have shown me how twelve incredibly diverse individuals can come together for one common purpose, to pour into people that in turn show the entire freshmen class at this university who Jesus is. They have taught me how no one leadership style is supreme, there is power in leading in different ways. They have shown me Christ and they have encouraged the living daylights out of me.

2012 Staff and Alpha Coordinators

The group that I was blessed to lead taught me and tangibly showed me selfless, sacrificial love. They challenged me to love harder, to enjoy life more, and to listen closer because of the way that they lived it themselves. They allowed me to be their rocks even when they know very well how imperfect and broken I am myself. They also were endlessly willing to be my rock whenever I needed them. They have entrusted me with their prayers and their hearts, and they have prayed for me and been willing to hear my own heart as well. They gave me grace, made me laugh at my worst moments, and gave me tears of joy often. They have believed in me relentlessly and encouraged me with all the encouragement I could ever need. They have inspired me with the way that they are so incredibly intentional with each other and love each other where they are at daily. They have taught me, just as I once said in a devotional to them, that I am enough, in my rawest, realest form. It was their belief in me and the community that they continue to create to this day and to this second, that has inspired me... that has changed my entire life.

So blessed by this group of eleven people.

I sit here on November 30th, 2012 with the new found realization that I am no longer a part of the Alpha Program. I am no longer an alphie, no longer an alpha leader, no longer an alpha coordinator. I am no longer on a student leadership contract and for the first time in two and a half years, I am no longer under a technical leadership position at all.

The weirdest realization.

As much as I feel today marks the technical end of a constant throughout my life since I entered college, I cannot for one second lack any amount of thankfulness for where I am at in my life. I was blessed by a program that gave me some of my best friends, that gave me some of the most influential leaders I will ever have in my life, that allowed me to experience God in beautiful ways, that allowed me to learn to believe in myself in ways I never did before. As much as I can think all day long that this is the end of a peak in my life, I know that God has many more peaks to come, He is using this merely to prepare me all the more. Thank you Jesus for so many blessings, for endless love and for choosing to use me, even in all of my brokenness. You are good and you are so faithful.