I hate that we get into a habit of using that word to justify not having time for people. We use it as justification of not putting our all into something we committed to, we use it to cover up being sleepy and not being present, we use it as an excuse, and a miserable one at that. We sometimes say it to get people's pity. We say it when it's valid, we say it when it's not valid at all, we throw it around because we are college students and if we aren't 'busy' enough to use it as a frequent adjective in our life, then we somehow aren't committed enough.
But the current state of my life, to be quite frank, is the closest thing to 'busy' as it gets. I have time for people, but not always for myself. I have enough gusto and determination to put my all into the things I commit to, but I don't always feel like my all is good enough (for my own standards at least). I am sleepy, but I cover it up with caffeine and nap once a day minimum (real talk: today I had two naps).
I mention that my life is crazy once in a while, probably just because it's quite obvious to anyone that knows me that I have a lot on my plate this year. But at the end of the day, I lay in my bed and realize that while I may have this season of my life organized obsessively on my MacBook, the season after May 6th, 2014 is empty. Empty. As in, since the first time in... well, ever, I don't have a plan.
Yeah, so the queen of post-it notes, handwriting that looks like a typeface, multiple planners and a color-coded computer calendar, the girl that has every organizational app to exist, that girl finally doesn't have a plan mapped out to lean back on.
All I have is Jesus. And all I know is I need to be here.
I need to open my hands during worship with a new perception of what it means to have hands open to what He gives and takes away. I need His plan more than I need mine. I need to learn trust even though I don't know if I will ever achieve it fully. I need to wait on the Lord. I want the kind of heart and mindset that only comes with not having answers and trusting God to have them instead. I need to be present here more then I need to be pumped up for the next thing to come. I need this new prayer life I've found, prayers of the rawest honesty and vulnerability, I need more 2AM prayers with tears more frequent than words, I need reliance on Him. Because to be honest, the times I get this kind of reliance and dependence on Jesus are usually when life is overwhelmed by sickness or death or pain, but here's the thing... I want reliance on Him when life is good too.
I read in a book today that 'sometimes we look so hard for clarity that we completely miss out on the fact that a great deal of the wilderness and beauty of life is in the unknown.'
Today the future looks pretty unknown for the girl that's attempted to figure out a lot of answers in advanced. But the present is more tangible and full and life-giving and beautifully close to busy than I have ever known. And it's good. I am rejoicing in not having answers of what's to come because I know I have plenty of answers in where God has me right now.
And frankly, I am one happy chick to be exactly where I am at.
This season means living among the coolest residents that make me love life more and cherish laughter on the daily, this season means reading every free chance I get, drenching myself in worship music between classes, celebrating the last year of college with spontaneous adventures as much as humanly possible, this season means lots of weddings and lots of reminding myself of the joys of singleness, this season means lunch dates with people daily and weekend dinner dates with myself and Hulu, this season means catching up with the eleven juniors that have my heart and mentoring the coolest freshman I know. This season means red lipstick because I can, a nose hoop because I want to feel edgy sometimes, it means hair in a big bun most of the time because I'd rather sleep then do anything with it. This season means craft projects on weekends, singing at the top of my lungs to Ben Rector when no ones home, and hour long phone conversations with my friends in different places and very different seasons of life. This season means slurpees because I feel like it, naps because I love them, and chai tea lattes and homemade meals all the time. This season means late nights, early mornings, and afternoons smothered in design projects and running into people that a year from now, I won't ever 'run into' at all. This season means cherishing every 'last' I experience and reminiscing over all the good firsts.
This season is good, seeking to be present amidst it is beautiful, and I'm rebelling against my mindset of planning by having no plan of where to go from here at all. Call me crazy, or frankly just irresponsible, but I love it.
Even if for this day, or this week, or for this month, I don't care about what happens after May 7th.
I choose today.
