The truth is: most of the time, I think that I honestly know what's best for me. I pray and pray and pray but often in the back of my head are these thoughts and ideas that most of the time I think come from God and not from me.
The problem is: some of the time, they do come from me. Some of the time, those thoughts are not what's best for me, even if I think with all my heart and mind that they are. Some of the time, I am sadly mistaken. Some of the time, it is not God that breaks my heart but it's me breaking my own heart, thinking that I know what's best for me.
Over a year ago I got an email saying that I was chosen as one of twelve... one of six girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. I applied because I was pushed to by leaders that I trusted and looked up to, but most of the time I didn't really want the position at all. So this little voice in the back of my head began to whisper 'you're not gonna get this position. you aren't meant for this. you aren't going to be good at this. you aren't equipped. you aren't enough. you're meant to do something else." So I believed it. Even the moment before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or 'no,' I prayed with my roommate trying to convince her all of the reasons that this position was just not cut out for me.
Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation soon there after that pushing myself to do something that I felt not good enough for might just be the best thing for me. I met the group of 11 that would be leading alongside me about a week later or so, and peace flooded my mind.
I thought I knew what was best for me and I surely didn't.
Looking back, I laugh. I shake my head and will proudly claim I didn't know what was best for me. The voices were wrong, my prayers were headed in the wrong direction because of it, but in the end, I leapt out in faith and just as much as God caught me, the 11 people I lead and the 11 people that were leaders alongside me caught me too.
Some of the time I don't know what's best for me.
Yesterday I opened an email saying that I was chosen as one of six... one of three girls... to lead a group of sophomores. I never planned on this. Never. (Sound familiar?) I applied because I felt the little voice in the back of my head saying that I need to be a freshmen RA. Most of the time I claimed if I didn't get that exact position, I didn't want it at all. The little voice told me that I wouldn't be good at any other position, that no other position would fill me, no other position would give me such an ability to change lives. I believed it. Even the moment right before I read the email that would determine if it was a 'yes' or a 'no,' I prayed for the only thing I was used to praying for. Freshmen. I felt that if I didn't get them, the position was just not cut out for me.
Then I read the email. I got what I didn't ask for. I got a position I never planned on. I got the very thing I felt unequipped, unprepared and frankly, just not good enough for. I prayed and prayed, and felt confirmation after an hour long conversation with my mentor, that pushing myself to do something that I felt not passionate enough about, might just be the best thing for me.
I thought I knew what was best for me and I am sure, ask me in six months from now, I'll laugh and shake my head.
The problem with holding tightly to something, is that once we have to let go of it, we are so used to clinging on so tightly with all of our might, that we don't know what hit us. Our hands tremble from releasing our own plans. Letting go hurts. Embracing a plan we didn't think would be put in front of us hurts equally. But if life is about us, if life is about never feeling hurt or pain, then we have a thing or two to learn about living.
Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we have to walk in the fact that we were wrong. And sometimes, plans that change end up being the only plan we could have imagined living.
As we plan and analyze and map out our lives, God probably laughs and shakes His head.
If Jesus was right there in front of me I'd give Him a couple extra high fives and a huge smile for giving me what I didn't want... and then taking seemingly no time to make it really clear that He is right and I am wrong. Wrong yet again.
Here's to laying down my plan at the feet of Jesus, Him lifting the burden off of me of trying to figure out what's best, and letting Him do all the ridiculously brillant behind-the-scenes work.
"There may be things going on inside of us that we do not understand. But when we finally arrive at the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along."
