I used to say yes to everything.
Maybe, sometimes, somedays, I even still do.
A chronic people-pleaser by birth... aren't we all?
I think its the trap we fall into as humans. We are so consumed with making everybody else happy that we ourselves end up last on the list of people to please. We may have good intentions, maybe even the best of intentions, but at least I know that when my life is done and over with, I don't want to end up with the anthem of my life being "I lived to please every one else."
Eventually, trying to please everybody else felt more and more like pride then it did selflessness. I didn't want my reputation to be tarnished. I wanted people to know that anything they needed I could do, I could be there for them no matter what the cost and no matter what the scenario. I wanted to feel reliable in the highest sense. I thought that saying no to opportunities meant neglecting them. I thought that saying no to a project meant that I didn't want to do it or to help the person out. I thought that saying no to an event meant that I would be thought less of or just miss out altogether. I thought that every 'no' was offensive, I thought that every time I said 'no' was me giving the wrong answer. I fell into this trap, this rut that was hard to get out of. I just knew that I needed to get out of it until it turned into a grave and I no longer had a way to get out at all.
I am realizing even in the midst of an overload of homework and projects to do, people to pour into and a long list of people I should call and catch up with, places I should be, chores that should get done, and cleaning that should have happened a long time ago, I am human. I think and create and dream and can walk and can rejoice and can dance and can sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs. I am alive. I am living and breathing and have life abundantly in Christ. Isn't that alone something to celebrate?
I realized while trying to say yes and please everybody else I forgot to say yes to the desires of my heart. I realized that I am sometimes so focused on praying for Christ to give me the desires deep within my heart that I forget many other little desires lie on the very surface of my heart and I can easily allow myself to have them. Many of them are within reach. I just say no to them because I am consumed with saying yes to everybody else.
I am learning day after day to say yes though.
To say yes to treating myself to frozen yogurt just because I like it. To say yes to painting at 2AM because I am feeling creative. To say yes to going home for the weekend and lighting the mass amounts of candles in my room just because I know if I don't they'll get dusty. To say yes to making a fancy dinner just for myself because I love to cook but don't want to wait for a man to have a reason to cook big, delicious meals. To say yes to staying up late laughing and singing old 90s songs with my roommates, because I want to enjoy a full life even if that means acting like a child sometimes. To say yes to cute underwear not because I have anyone that will see them, but because I don't want to wait until I am married to wear Victoria Secret. To say yes to a spontaneous outing even when I planned on doing homework for the night, because its the spontaneous things I'll remember, not the nights alone with homework and Ben and Jerrys. To say yes to the little things. To squeeze all that I can out of my life.
In saying no to other people, I have also learned to say yes to myself. 'No' is becoming easier to say and saying 'yes' to life and joy and trust is becoming easier as well. I feel as though my life no longer points to stress and an anxious heart, instead, it points to freedom.
If I am given the gift of life, I don't for one second want it to go to waste. I am given this life and I wake up everyday knowing it is a blessing. I want to live this blessing with all that is in me, I don't want to live merely trying to please people.
Life is good. It is abundant.
And it is fuller then full (especially with adding the word 'no' to my vocabulary).
