I like preparation.
I like to have a plan.
I like to-do lists.
I like responsibility.
I like consistence.
I like schedules.
I like reliability.
I have realized the past few days, the past few weeks, how much liking those things tends to backfire on me. How liking to have it all together, have things my way, have things happen the quickest and have things happen in the manner that makes the most sense to me is more of a pain then it is worth anything at all.
Ironically, those two little paragraphs were drafted on my blog as I shut down my computer last night not knowing how to complete the post I began. And God, in his typical ways, knew that these thoughts had to stick around. So, He made sure to not let them leave me. I opened up my Kindle for my nightly dose of reading and began reading the chapter I left off at in the book I'm reading. In the past, it had nothing to do with this thought I had last night. But since God is funny, from the start I could tell it was going to have a direct relation to these thoughts.
It was entitled 'guaranteed uncertainty.'
Oh, how that thought alone makes me cringe.
The chapter in the book went on to explain that uncertainty forces us to depend on God, not on ourselves, not on other people, not on circumstances. It explained how faith does not reduce uncertainty but embraces it. That being spiritually mature means less about having the future all figured out and more about a consistent reliance and sensitivity to the Spirit of God. It mentioned that following Christ is a relinquishment of control.
Um, say whattttttt?
Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.
If I wasn't laying down in bed, I would have fallen to my knees. This sentence just shook me. It shook my whole world, if that's possible.
Following Jesus means the way I like to handle things, control things, and know things, just won't work. Point blank. And it's funny how I can read the Gospels and find so many direct correlations to my life in there, things that I want to apply and live out, things I need to work on, things I feel convictions about, but this exact application never has stood out to me. Frankly, I never thought God would have an issue with me liking to be what I would often consider 'responsible, reliable, consistent, and dependable.' I thought it was all good, but while these are indeed qualities I like and admire about myself, sometimes they do close in on my walk with the Lord and on my life. At some point, I have to let things go. Don't we all? I have to just let things be wrong, go wrong, let people screw up, give myself room to screw up. Let things not go my way. Let group projects end up crappy or let someone else in group projects take the reigns and end up doing something brilliant, just not necessarily fitting what I would have imagined. At some point I have to let people plan things a way I am not fond of. Let other people drive. Let my to-do list go. Let preparation hold a back seat to living in the moment and embracing the things that are thrown at me that I can't allot for.
My life needs to stop being a constant pursuit of me trying to look like I have it all together, like I have it all figured out... and it needs to start pointing to the fact that I follow the one that DOES. That does have all this mumbo-jumbo figured out way before I could ever even attempt to.
When I put the Gospels (and the Bible in general, for that matter) in context of this conviction, it becomes pretty clear to me that NONE of the people God used cared about being in control. None. And if they did in the beginning, they didn't once God stirred in their hearts. They didn't have a timeline of when they wanted certain things to happen in life, they didn't have all their years of schooling mapped out and their plan after that to be all set in stone, they didn't even attempt to make their life predictable in the form of lists and maps and spreadsheets (or whatever the Jesus-time equivalent would be). They just let it be. They let God plan and do all the work, and they just listened. They just followed Him day by day. Sure, our life in this time and place is naturally more complex, but don't we often just make it far more complex then it even needs to be?
If Jesus came up to me tomorrow and asked me to follow Him and leave everything behind, including my desire to plan things and know things and control things (because that inherently would be a part of it)... would I? I am beginning to see that even if He doesn't knock on my door tomorrow and ask that question, that question is still necessary every single day to follow Him. I can't do things 'my way', be my own god in some ways, figuring it all out on my own. I can't try and do all this while I am trying to follow the God that wants to be all of that FOR us... and deserves to be... and not to mention, is a whole freaking lot better at it then I am, that's for sure.
Following Christ is a relinquishment of control.
It is voluntarily ceasing to keep our grips on what we think our life should look like, feel like, be like. It is letting our grip go on our expectations, our wishes, our hopes, our lists, our plans, even our dreams for ourselves at times. It is replacing all of that with what God has for us. It is letting go of control in exchange for letting God have all of it. It is open hands and open hearts. It is doing things HIS way because we want to, not because we are forced to. It is trust in the trials and more satisfaction and happiness and peace in the little joys that life brings to us. It is freedom.
