"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."
This past summer, much to my surprise, I ended up doing a ropes course.
Anyone that knows anything about me, knows that heights are a crippling fear of mine. As in, you don't want to see me when I am faced with that fear and you better hope I'm not wearing makeup because it'll be ruined. My body turns into an anxious mess and my flesh overrides any optimism or confidence and simply destroys any positivity or joy I have.
I did not plan on doing anything on the ropes course in the beginning. But I also didn't want to look like a fool. I wanted to get something out of the day and I knew I wouldn't unless I put myself out there and faced my biggest fear. While all my friends did the huge, crazy ropes courses, my goal of the day was to finish just one portion of the course... but that thought alone tormented me. It took me probably over an hour to get up the nerve to even begin the course. But the second I got a couple feet off the air and began the course I was a mess. Like, I'm talking... a mess. You would have thought someone died. I could not stop the tears and my heart was going a hundred miles an hour.
I never willingly succumb myself to anything to do with heights. I was confused in that moment on why I chose to do something that scared the bajeebees out of me.
Once I climbed to the point I needed to, I got on the log and faced the challenge. The goal was to walk across the log without anything to hold onto except the rope you were connected to for safety. As my friends were below me cheering me on, I still could not control my emotions. I was embarrassed, clearly, but in that moment I truly didn't think I could do it. There was no way. My body was compulsively shaking, my mind was telling me to get down, and that left zero room for the Holy Spirit to give me any sort of confidence at all. Fear surrounded me, engulfed me, filled my thoughts, and controlled me.
"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."
If I ever need a reminder of how crappy fear feels and how much it can control us, I go back to that moment.
It took me a while. Who knows how long I was up there. But eventually, I closed my eyes and just prayed. Then I wiped my tears, calmed myself down as much as I could, and walked across. Slow and steady, reminding myself of the truths in the Gospel. It was like I flipped a switch, and everything had changed. It was miraculous. I silenced the fear, silenced Satan, and tuned my ears only to hear the Holy Spirit. The only thing I remember telling myself was 'Jesus believes in you.' I told myself Jesus believed in me so many times as I was walking I began to actually believe in myself as well.
Once I got down my friends said how astonishing it was the second my mindset changed from listening to lies to listening to truth. My whole demeanor changed entirely.
"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."
In the end, I did the course again. Crazy I know. The second time was much quicker and the second time I actually felt brave. Instead of telling myself of how Jesus believed in me though I replaced it with me whispering confident proclamations about myself. 'You got this', 'you're brave', 'I believe in you.' It was one of the best full-circle moments I've had in my life. I may not have succeeded in the worlds standards the first time, but I think (I hope, I pray) I made God smile.
"Strip everything away, 'til all I have is you."
Today, I was listening to the song Pursuit by Jesus Culture when this lyric just clicked. I've heard this song a million times, I play it on repeat almost daily, but never have I had it blow my mind like it did. If any line can encompass this past year of my life, it's this one. I have faced fears that clearly engulfed me, desires of my heart I didn't realize were so strong, and faults and failures that Jesus has refined and changed in incredible ways. I see this year as a year of complete transformation, in more ways then I think I even realize right now.
I let go of things that defined me in ways I didn't want to be defined. I allowed myself vulnerability, I allowed myself to mess up and to even, to a certain extent, regret things. I allowed myself space to learn and grow and love and lose and surrender. I listened and put myself in others shoes. I forgave when it didn't make sense and moved forward when that seemed to be the only option. I let go of my own plans and I embraced the plans God has for me, even though much of it (if not all of it) remains a mystery to me still. I led and I allowed others to lead me. I pursued my dreams and I let go of some of them. I listened to the hardest life stories and testimonies I've ever heard and I reflected a lot on who I am and who I want to be. I served until I was run dry and then I relied on God to keep serving even more. I did a lot of things I never planned to and I was humbled daily to be used by God despite all my imperfections.
This year I became less and less, Jesus became more and more, and in that, I am becoming more and more of who I was created to be.
This year I am proud of who I am. I am thankful that at the end of the day I have Christ always to fall back on and I am thankful that at the end of the day, I have myself too. I believe that Christ is refining me and molding me and for that, I have confidence. I know that His work in me is not yet completed and it will be perfected in the end. I am the most joyful girl to know that this next year I will be better and stronger (and yet weaker) because of how God will work in my life.
I remember being on that log high up in the air, facing my biggest fear and realizing that in the end, it wasn't even that scary. No matter what this next year throws at me, I am assured and confident that it won't even be that scary in the end. No matter what I face, Jesus faces it next to me, He was on that log up in the air whispering truths into my ear after all. In the Holy Spirit I indeed have confidence.
Here's to 2013.
