Today I went to class all day, made my own (really tasty) lunch and stopped at Target in between classes, came home and took a two hour long (really great) nap because I was on the verge of extreme unhappy mode, got dinner with a friend and vented about frustrations (really needed for both of us- being real and vulnerable rules), did homework for a few hours and just finished taking a little quick run (11pm runs rule as well).
The thing is... the to-do list of things I have this week is long, to say the least. And the stresses of life seem to be toppling in on me. There are a lot of things I could have done other then what I ended up doing. In my mind, as busy as I was today, I still have a lot to do and I could have used my time better. As normal of a phrase as that seems, I realized tonight how often that is my conclusion of the day.
I could have done more.
I could have used my time wiser.
I could have been more efficient.
I could have served and poured into more people.
I could have this, I could have that.
The problem in all of this became clear to me tonight: in the list of people that are hard on me, I am number one. I am my own worst critic. I am often closer to being my own worst enemy then I am a fan of who I am in Christ. I am often a perfectionist. I am often hard on myself to the point of being highly unrealistic. I am never content with where I am, always striving to be more and to do more. I often don't allow myself to really feel emotions, I bottle them up, or I vent and then disclose them permanently in fear of people seeing my weaknesses as I see them. I am in some weird parallel of being an emotional person and yet fearing emotions as well. But at the end of the day, the reality is I can never just be where I am at. And the sad part is, in that, I gyp myself of enjoying life exactly how it is, where I am at. I gyp myself of rest and peace and satisfaction and joy. I am too busy trying to beat myself, to be better, that it seems I am chasing after a shadow that will never disappear.
Life is not a game of being better in the world's standards. I will fail. We will fail.
We will never succeed.
The conclusion of the unsuccessful nature of my day also oddly enough, led me to the conclusion that I actually allowed myself to be where I was at today. On one hand, my extremely self-critical nature was telling myself I did not do enough. On the other hand and inside my convictions tonight, I realized I did do enough today. Today was the kind of days the people like me need more often.
Today I needed to have a real talk about life with someone, so I did that to the glory of God. I needed to rest, so I slept to the glory of God (shoot, that's fun!) I needed to get homework done, so I did what I could without heaping bounds of stress on my shoulders. Then I allowed myself to stop and not be hard on myself. I enjoyed the quick trip to Target and making a delicious lunch for myself while going on Pinterest. I also enjoyed the run to end my day and the worship music that spoke to my soul during it. Today I did what I needed to do to be full of the emotions I have very much so missed. The good emotions. Today, God beautifully met me where I was at, and I met myself where I was at also. Often, I forget that second part.
Even though today I was not in the greatest mood of my lifetime, nor was I the happiest nor was I at the joy-level I am usually accustomed to. The beauty of what today was, was that I allowed myself to be right where I was at.
I too often don't allow myself that out of life.
